11 Things You Didn't Know About Me

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  1. I am a midwestern girl, born and raised. Originally from Indiana, I grew up in a smallish town in the midwest surrounded by corn fields and mom-and-pop shops. To be perfectly honest, I miss those days.

  2. I have a sibling. I know this seems like a non-topic, but the majority of my interests and passions come from having an older brother that is both my polar-opposite and childhood partner-in-crime. We grew up having very different personalities. I would say I was the rebellious one, and he was the “good one” but in life maybe some days the role was reversed. He is an uber creative person with natural athletic ability, while I find myself mildly creative with absolutely no coordination to speak of, he’s always inspired me to explore art and film and we share a love of pop culture.

  3. I have always struggled with “fitting in” and nothing has changed. As a young person, I found that my fashion and personal interests shifted a lot and it made it very hard to fit into one specific crowd or group. I had great friends with individual personalities that all traveled in their own cliques and I kind of just floated between all of those groups. As an adult, I find my life to be very similar. I haven’t really ever settled into a group as a grown up.

  4. I am looking forward to turning 40. Yeah, that shit doesn’t scare me. Age is just a number and to be honest, I have learned so much in my 30’s that I am looking forward to what 40 has to bring.

  5. I’d rather be a single mom. I don’t know what it’s like to raise a child in a household with another person, and to be honest, I never will. I don’t want to remarry, or live with a partner again so being a single parent actually works for me. I have no idea how married people do it all and keep a relationship. It seems so much harder to me.

  6. I have a Masters Degree. I found out that I was pregnant with my son during the first semester of my journey into earning a Masters of Science in Environmental Policy and Sustainability Management from the New School in New York City. I only took one semester off to have my baby and doubled up the rest of the semesters to graduate on time and with honors. (I pat myself on the back for that one from time to time.)

  7. I’m a resale junkie. My newest passion is “slow fashion” and sustainable, ethical clothing and utilizing resale to create wardrobes that reflect both personality and are good for the environment.

  8. Skincare is my hobby. I love it and I always have. As a plus size girl, I grew up thinking poorly about my body but I have always felt confident about my skin. To this day,I fell like it is my best feature and I love the science behind skincare and anti-aging. I am constantly trying new things and going back to “old school” remedies. Saturday nights you can find me indulging in self-care with a facemarks, hair mask and a good detox bath.

  9. John Cusack is my celebrity crush. I just love everything about him.

  10. I am a loner. I don’t workout at the gym in groups because I am legit terrified of embarrassing myself. (Phew, I said it.) I would love to try more group classes but I stick to running and weightlifting and sometimes swimming laps, but the thought of a group class shakes me to my core. It’s something I hope to change in 2020.

  11. I hate to drive. Like, HATE it. If I could use teleportation, I would. Driving gives me the most anxiety EVER!

Truth Bomb: 7 Ways to Feel Sexier In The Skin You're In

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Yeah, I said it…you can feel SEXY in the skin you’re in. I am a firm believer that you don’t need to be perfect (whatever that is) to be sexy. Confidence is what matters most. It’s how we carry ourselves that is most attractive. Sexy is a vibe, not a number on the scale or an immaculately contoured cheekbone. Admittedly, I’ve struggled with self-confidence in the past. A series of failed relationships and less than worthy partners will do that to even the baddest bitch, but I found my way back to my inner-Beyonce. I may not have all of my shit together but I sure as hell look like it. Show me someone who has it totally together…I’ll wait.

Just kidding. Keep reading.

It’s not my milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard…it’s my ability to prioritize myself on my long list of responsibilities. The more attention I give myself the more confident I feel. The more confident I feel the more attention I receive. Weird, huh? Being a single mother can be overwhelming at times and any parent doing their thing will admit that they have lost themselves once or twice (or more) in the minutia of school lunches and laundry, diaper changing and nightly bedtime routines. My advice: quit that shit. You’re worthy of taking a top spot on your to-do list.

Here are my seven tried and true ways to bring your sexy back:

  1. Give yourself a glow up. Buff away that blah feeling with a sugar scrub and give yourself that post-vacation-without-the-debt golden goddess feel with a little self tanner. Looking good naked isn’t for anyone else but YOU!

  2. Rethink your underthings. Ok, hunny. Now that your skin is poppin’ and you’ve got that glow, take a look in that underwear drawer, Granny panties for days? Busted up old drawls aren’t going to ignite any burning desires. Do yourself a solid and get yourself something pretty to put on that bangin’ body. I don’t care if you like a g-string or a tight tank and boxers. You do you. I’m a huge fan of Adore Me. They seem to have something for everyone and all body types.

  3. Declutter your surroundings and find a place that is just for you. Children and partners can’t take over every aspect of your life. Toys all over the place? Get a “fuck it bucket” to store them out of the way. You’ve got to find a place that is just for you and it can’t be full of everyone else life, it needs to be available to remind you that YOU are important and special.

  4. Get dressed. Save the sweat pants and crappy t-shirts for cleaning days. Get up and get dressed. Whether you work in an office, wear a uniform or are a stay at home type, getting dressed with pride can boost that self confidence. You don’t need to spend a lot look good. Try shopping resale items on Poshmark to find or refine that signature style! Use my code WENDY_MEYER for a discount.

  5. Make sense of scents. From an earthy lavender essential oil to my go-to perfume, I always make sure that I smell good. There’s no denying that a certain smell can trigger emotion, so go with your mood. Remember a little bit goes a long way. you don’t want the whole room to smell you when you walk in, just the person closest to you.

  6. Find your holy grail. By that I mean, find that pair of jeans that makes your ass look amazing, or that LBD that makes you say “dayum I look good.” Remember: feeling sexy in you’re clothes is about how YOU feel.

  7. Have some sexy inspo. We all have someone we look up to. That’s attraction. You’re attracted to their confidence, their joie de vivre. These days I’m all about Lizzo in the headphones. I can’t think of a sexier, more confident women. Whoever you look up to just remember that YOU are THAT bitch. You are just as beautiful and just as worthy of your own self adoration and love. So do something about it.

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Truth Bomb: When Will We Stop Failing These Kids?

Well, here we are.  The 18th mass shooting since January 1st, 17 people dead, many of them children who had their whole lives ahead of them.  What is wrong with this picture? These kids should be going to school to learn, to socialize, to grow and to make their dreams become reality. They shouldn't be shot in their classrooms.  They should be planning dances and picking out colleges, not running from bullets or stepping over dead classmates and teachers.  What has become of society that this is where we are and what our children deal with? We are raising a generation of kids with PTSD.  It's a vicious cycle of mental illness that we are creating, as if puberty and regular growing pains of the mind and the heart aren't difficult enough.  Listen, at some point your gun arguments and rights to bare arms is infringing on these kids rights to an education and peaceful existence, is it not? I haven't heard an argument yet that explains why these children should have to wake up everyday afraid of guns in their schools.  

As a parent, I am angry and terrified.  As a family we have had to protect our son from predators in schools, bullying and now I have to worry that my five year old son will grow up thinking his learning intuition doubles as a war zone.  WTF?? How is this fair to these kids? It's not.  We are so wrapped up in politics that we are failing to realize that these kids will demand change and they aren't going to back down, so we need to step up and support them.  This isn't about conservative or liberal, this isn't an argument on walls or bans, this is a sign that we have a gun issue AND a mental health issue in this country that keeps getting worse and worse and we have yet do to anything about either one of these problems because we are too busy creating memes that offend the masses or sending social media messages of empty and meaningless condolences for families burying their babies, when what they really need is ACTION.  

I will tell you who is going to change the world.  It's these 14 year old kids who are fed up with adults not defending them and I for one want to support them in any way possible.  Yes, maybe I am just one mother, but parents are powerful and when we ban together and we can be unstoppable. So isn't it time we do so for our children?  I know we all worry about how to pay the bills.  Some of you may even worry about how to pay for your next meals or put clothes on your kid's backs, but the one thing we rely on is that when we send our children to school they will be safe.  That security has been chipped away to it's bare bones and now we are left with sending these kids to school and worrying that we will get a text or a call that the school received a bomb threat (which has happened to us more than once at a pre-school) or that a crazed person shot up the school.  

When does this stop? How does this stop? I don't have the answers right now, but you best believe that I will be active in finding solutions. 

What did you worry about when you were 14?

I can't imagine it was that a mass shooter would murder you and your friends in your classroom.  

*This is my two cents.  Honestly, it isn't up for debate.  I am entitled to my feelings and my opinions and my right as a parent to seek change for a better education for all children.  

Truth Bomb: Why Our Modern Framily Goes to Pride

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Recently our family participated in our fourth annual Orlando Come Out With Pride parade and celebration.  Our entire family, including my almost-five-year-old son.  To us, this is an exciting and much anticipated family event that we look forward to every year.  We wear rainbows, and catch beads, and give hugs and blow kisses to all of the beautiful people walking in the parade and chant "LOVE IS LOVE" at the top of our lungs for hours on end.  It's fantastic. In past years my son was definitely more interested in playing in the grassy lawn with the other little kids, but this year he was engaged, asking a lot of questions, dancing, finding shoulders to sit on, giving high fives to Drag Queens and waving a rainbow flag up and down the streets with a smile and light in his eyes.  It's that light that inspires me to write this for you. 

Children have an innate sense of happiness and love.  So it is our choice to show him that ALL types of love and those expressions of love are natural and normal.  We want the kind of child who isn't afraid to be a caring person with compassion who can act on his feelings.  Whoever he becomes is totally fine with us.  We cannot dictate the person our son will grow up to be in this world, but we can offer him unconditional love and support. We can dictate the environment he grows up in and show him love through actions and not just words. That is who we have chosen to be as parents.  We do have lengthy discussions about whatever questions he has.  This year he asked his father why everyone was smiling and so happy and his father explained that they were all very joyful about celebrating LOVE.  Our boy immediately said with, "I LOVE this!" You could visibly see how excited he was to share in that feeling of joy.  It is in those moments that we, as his parents, brush our shoulders off a bit and high five one another, because thats a sign we are doing something right.  Parenting win! 

We don't look at it as "exposing" him to anything.  I don't find that complimentary at all. In fact, this is an insult beyond measure. To imply that we "expose" makes it sounds as if we are putting him into danger, or forcing him to be around something negative.  We simply choose to let our son be part of our lives.  We introduce him to our friends and colleagues who are positive influences in our own lives.  We try to make new friends all the time, and in turn give him a wide social network of people.  The expression "it takes a village" is very true.  I want my son be given the opportunity to know many different kinds of people and for him to make connections to those people based on how he feels.  I want to raise a son who is around strong men with character and manners, social conscious, ethics, and honor.  I want my son to see strong women who have drive and passion, who are to be seen as equal to him and to be respected.  I want my son to use the language of love and not to play into the social "norms" and callous disregard for others. This isn't who we want our children to be.  We want them to hold on to their natural sense of warmth toward people.  

I also want my son to see that families come in all forms.  I want him to be proud of his family, albeit not the "norm" of the "typical" family we are a strong unit and parent him with the same morals and ethics as any other...just from two households.  He had the opportunity at Pride to see families of all kinds and to support families of all kinds. He loves to play with all of the kids that show up and trust me, Orlando Pride is all about kids and families.  Every year we see the same kiddos and B loves making new friends, he talks to grown ups and just like any other little boy if hand him a flag and he will wave that thing with all of his might. We are fortunate enough to have some very cool hosts every year that really enjoy seeing our son's presence at Pride.  Just like we ask that acceptance from our community, we return that encouragement and support. 

Pride to us is about so much more than rainbows and glitter and parades.  Its about having the opportunity to allow our son to be a citizen of the world that he, and his generation of children, will mold and shape and change and better through their own life experiences and the compassion that they have cultivated by learning inclusivity and appreciation for all types of people.  We need that more than ever these days.  

One Love.  

Truth Bomb: How I Sometimes Suck At Life, And I'm Learning to Be OK with It

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I am going to just go ahead and say it...  I suck at life sometimes. Of course I could list the personal failures in my life, such as: a tanked marriage, train wreck relationships, career goals taken a backseat to being a mother, collapsed fitness goals... I have failed at it all and yet, here I am, still standing, still trying and still handling it all day by day. 

Being a parent means failing at something daily.  We don't like to admit it, but I am just putting it all out there.  I fail at parenting ALL THE TIME.  Burned the cookies, washed a red sock with the white laundry, packed the wrong stuff in the school bag, missed the bus...any of that sound familiar? Some days are better than others and some days are epic failures that take it all to another level.  I have tried so hard for years to look and act like I have it all together. Most of my friends would look at me and say I can handle anything, but I can't.  I mess up all the time.  It isn't because I don't try. I do. I try really hard to have it all organized...except when I don't have it all organized and it all falls to shit.  Being a single parent and having my son go between two houses means trying to balance it all and make it look easy.  It's not.  Most of the time I feel like one of those circus acts that spins those plates on the sticks and makes them all balance in the air...and then they fall and crash to the floor, breaking into a million pieces.  I have the calendar, group texts, e-mails, newsletters, note from the teachers, Daddy's schedule, Step Mom's schedule, Grandma's schedule, a house to keep organized, a business and dreams I attempt to keep going, a dog to keep from neglecting and some fish that I'm surprised haven't ended up in a toilet funeral, making sure kiddos things gets from one house to the other and making sure that everyone is some version of happy all the time.  

Are we over scheduled? NO! We don't do after school activities or extracurriculars.  If we did I think I would feel like he wasn't getting enough family time between the two houses.  So, there's fail number one.  He isn't playing sports or going to piano lessons or learning Mandarin any time soon.  Another fail? We barely ever make it to birthdays or playdates.  All these parties are on the weekends.  The weekends are difficult. I don't think people really understand that on the weekends we are doing our best to get time with the kiddo that is solely ours and uninterrupted.   Is it selfish that we don't go to every single birthday party we are invited to? Yes. I want my time with him and I want his Dad to have time with him to be able to do the things we enjoy. Is it a complete fail on my part to make more time to do the parties and the playdate stuff? Yes.  I am probably depriving him of having a full and active social life, but he's 4 and he has his whole life for that.  These are the fails that we have chosen and as a family decided to NOT prescribe to the idea that we have to do everything that everyone else's family does all the time.  Some fails are completely accidental and inevitable given the nature of our two-household-parenitng lifestyle. I have read an e-mail wrong, or missed a room meeting, or find an invitation lost in the SPAM folder or stuck to the back of a school project I have discarded into the pile of random drawing and workbook pages. No big deal, right? NO!! When this type of fail happens, the involuntary screw up, it devastates me.  I don't know why.  It's not like I missed anything so important in his life that he would be changed forever.  It's the little things.  But the little things are what kills me the most.  It's those times when I just pull over into the parking lot and cry into my hands and think, "How am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life? I am awful at this.  Why can't I just get it together?!" It's in those moments when I feel alone and overwhelmed and incompetent.  Let me just say this:  I am not alone.  I have help.  I am competent. That being said, the loneliness and inadequate feelings still linger there in my head and in my heart.  It's just a fact.  The reality of trying to keep it together for everyone all the time is that when I screw up, I feel it to my core. It's like a punch to the gut or a swift kick to the crotch.  

Most of the time the guilt of failure is not because I am disappointed in myself, but in the fact that I don't want to let down everyone else who is counting on me. I am supposed to be the one who leads this family. I am supposed to be the one to be the HBIC, the captain, the ringleader and the lady boss.  When it all goes wrong, I blame myself.  It can be a very difficult place to dig myself out of sometimes, but it's reality.  Confession: A lot of us are just deceiving the world when we put out this filtered, picture perfect image, when we know it's very rarely ever picture perfect. The difference is that I am learning to be OK with being the hot mess express sometimes.   

I'm learning to be OK with sucking at life sometimes.  I'm honest about it.  I tell the people around me when I am feeling like a complete screw up.  I am not the only mother on the planet that feels like a dipshit sometimes. I don't have to be perfect.  I don't need to have it all together, or to even pretend like I know what it looks like to have it all together. I am learning that the mistakes that I make and being fallible is lesson I want my son to learn. Perfection is not real.  I want him to be honest and be accepting of his greatness, as well as his faults. I know, I know...Its a process. We don't all just wakeup one day and say "F#%$ it! This is me, world!"

Real talk: I struggle with accepting myself everyday, but I have also learned to forgive myself.  Without that forgiveness the weight of trying to be everything to everyone all the time would swallow me whole.  Embracing who we are as complex people with likes and dislikes, skills and deficiencies, moments of superhero-like grandeur and times of absolutely soul-crushing embarrassment makes life a lot more interesting than the faux filtered Instagram worthy ideal of perfect we set ourselves up to believe in.  

Truth Bomb: Modern Framily and How we Make It Work

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"You all get along?" -Everyone all the time

"You go on vacations together? And how does that work?"- Everyone on social media

Trust me when I tell you that I have heard my fair share of comments and seen plenty of awkward facial expressions when I describe the close relationship I have with my son's father and step-mom.  Let me just preface this all by saying, we get it.  It's weird.  Most relationships that end don't end well.  If you have a child together that just adds some fuel to the fire.  Here's a fun little twist...lets add another adult into the mix.  It's only natural to be a bit put off by all of the gross niceness that my family displays, but honestly its other people's preconceived notations that make it weird.  We live in a society where we just expect one another to be assholes and bicker and fight to the tenth degree over every little thing. We satirize it, we make movies and sitcoms about it, but that isn't REALITY.  

As a child of divorce, I can honestly tell you that it takes a lot of calculated choices to raise kids in a co-parenting situation. My parents fought over everything.  Money, birthdays, holidays, weekends, relationships....EVERYTHING. Every momentous moment in my life held tremendous amount of anxiety and stress for me because I was afraid of how my parents would react to being in the same room with one another.  Hollywood movie magic makes that shit look funny, but when you're 11 and your parents get into a screaming argument at camp in front of everyone it can make you seriously question any and all parties sanity. It also makes you question whether or not actually HAVING moments in life where family would come together is worth it.  I think it led me to be the kind of person that never really wanted to be in the spotlight and never have attention drawn to me. Inevitably they would all the in the same room to see me and it would end in some sort of verbal altercation of epic proportions.  

In our framily, we have chosen the path less followed.  It doesn't come easy.  We ARE exes for a reason, people!  Duh.  BUT, we also have a lot invested in each other's happiness, health and wellbeing...OUR child.  Oh, yeah.  That's right.  Theres a kid involved. I think sometimes adults fail to remember that it isn't about US its about the CHILDREN.  Sometimes when I try to communicate with people about raising my son in a blended family they can't seem to realize that the end goal is to raise a well-adjusted person who feels a close connection with all of the people who love him in this world.  As his mother, I would like to provide him with the best opportunity to be a good, kind and decent MAN.  That is why he has a close bond with his father.  That is why I have embraced his step-mother as another advocate and confidant that provide a shoulder to cry on and a perspective in life to learn from.  I mean, how many times have you sat around and thought..."gee, too many people love me." NEVER.  So why wouldn't I want my son to feel endless and boundless joy and love from people who actually care how he functions in the world?  Seems like a simple answer to me, we all want our children to feel loved.  

Beyond all of the obvious, there's another component to this whole situation that I feel like people have a hard time seeing.  We call ourselves the Modern FRAMILY.  That's to say that we are not only family but we are also FRIENDS.  We genuinely care for, respect and LIKE one another.  Has this always been the case? Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes, no.  We have been through it.  My son's father and I have been to the darkest of places and back together. To be honest, there has been pain and resentment.  There has been anger and frustration, fear and fury.  It took a lot of time and communication and CHANGE to get back into the light.  We both had to make CHOICES to change and we both had to resolve to put the past where it belongs and move forward for our child.  I am not saying it's easy.  I am not saying it's possible for everyone to accomplish even a tenth of the progress we have made.  I'm not saying that how we function as a family works for everyone, in every situation, but it can be a goal.  Often I catch myself imagining what it would be like to live in all of that drama, chaos and bitterness that my parents lived in and I think about how awful that would be.  Granted, their situation was different than ours.  Every story has two sides and the truth, after all.  Doesn't mean I want to repeat that life for myself or my son.  It means I learn from what the past presented me and grow forward.  We all need to play the hand of cards we are dealt.  Even if you're holding a shitty hand, put your game face on and just think about the moves you need to make to allow your child to come out ahead.  If you're willing to double down on happiness than my suggestion is to find a way to make the relationships in your life work.   

Real talk: As single parents, both us feel pretty good about the amount of free time we get, or our abilities to live balanced lives without complete burnout.  We get nights to go out, time to go to concerts, time to pursue goals and dream and careers and all without feeling alone.  We support each other and in that support, foster an environment where we can all spend time together and TRULY enjoy it.  Fun Fact: My son's Step-Mom and I often make time to go to dinner with my son or have a girls night out just the two of us. Theres a few reasons we make the choice to do this: One, we actually like each other, so thats cool.  It's nice to feel like we have our own friendship and connection outside of my ex. Two, it allows for my son to see a united front between all of us and shows him that I trust her, and therefore, so should he.  That's important because I want him to feel like she is there to disclose his emotions so that she, too, can be there to work through the hard times and the happy times when his Dad and I can't physically be there.  Like I said, you can't have too much love.  And three, my life is a lot easier knowing that I have someone to advocate to my ex for ME sometimes too.  Although we are very close, he is also him and I am also me.  She knows us both and knows how to talk to her partner in ways I just don't or can't  or sometime just won't, because we aren't a sitcom or a movie...we are real people with real emotions and real reactions to life sometimes and we all have our supreme dickhead moments...even me (or should I say, especially me? I don't know...don't answer that one.) 

I only have a few tips on how we made it happen and maybe they can help you, too:

1. Get over yourself.  YOUR issues are yours. You have to work those out.  Go to therapy  Talk it out. Find the root causes of your struggles and make the CHOICE to make your life better.  It frees up your heart to be more open to a fuller family dynamic.  

2. Talk to each other.  Don't text.  Sit down and talk to the co-parent and step parent.  Set boundaries.  Set expectations.  Allow them to express their anxieties.  Actually HEAR them and allow them to HEAR you.  Words are important but so is actually seeing someones facial expressions and body language.  You can often pick up more than you realize.  We do a monthly "parents only dinner." A lot gets discussed.  A lot of plans get formulated and a lot of resolutions are made during these dinners. We also laugh a lot and trade ridiculous stories of parenting, so that's a bonus.  

3. Make this core group of you and your child or children the top priority.  These are your people.  Holidays, birthdays, special occasions...these are the people that will be there with you and these are the people you should make the sole focus of these moments.  If you guys are cool, everyone else will follow suit.  

Yes, we do school events together.  Yes, we take the time to go to dinner alone and just as parents to catch up on what is going on with our son.  Yes, we try to go on little vacations and outings together.  Yes, sometimes it's just me and the step-momma. And YES, we all get along.  No, we aren't weird.  No, we aren't perfect.  Its hard work to parent.  It's hard work to co-parent.  But it's an easy decision to choose to create a family (or FRAMILY) for the betterment of our child. 

Truth Bomb: It's Not You, It's Me...and I'm OK With That

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There comes a point in your life when you have to stand up and take ownership of your baggage. So I will do that right here, today, for all of you.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I hurt people with my words and actions.  I don't handle every situation as diplomatically as I should.  And, here's the big one... I'm pretty fucked up.  It's not you, it's ME.  It's how I have survived the hurt, the betrayal, the pain that others before you have inflicted, the fact that many of my issues are that of my own bad decision making and all of these things are now just part of who I am, deep in my core.  I've tried to unpack the baggage, to put it away.  I've tried to sort the issues and burn the subscriptions to the crazy.  I've desperately tried (and failed) to run from if all and start over, but in the end they always find their way back to me.  But here's the other thing about all of this...I am tired of apologizing for it.  Does anyone really want to be unhappy, or lonely, or burdened like this? NO! At least I have the balls to own it all and wear it on my sleeve. 

Walls aren't built overnight, or haphazardly.  They are built over time and with deliberate care.  Each painful issue balanced ever so delicately upon the next and with careful consideration as to where they're placed.  Fitting together like a puzzle to create a barrier to the softest and most vulnerable parts of who I am and what is available to you.  When a part of that wall is prudently removed to let someone in or to open up to an experience it is done so with fear and anxiety.  It does happen.  It happens more often than it probably should, too.  Those are the moments in life when we learn the most about who we are and what we can handle.  If I am met with disappointment and conflict it's a given that the wall goes back up, but not without first knowing that I was better off having been assailable, ultimately hurt and having survived to be that much more aware of my faults. I can't stop living or loving or being a human being.  

I have never claimed to be perfect.  In fact, if you have met me or read this blog it's fair to say that I come off as self-deprecating, less than confident and awkward as hell. I don't always say the right things, and sometimes that's conceived as hurtful or mean.  It's not my intention, but I also don't exactly know how to convey the feelings I have inside of me.  I've never been great at that.  My older sibling was always the one with the moxie to say exactly what was on his mind. My own mother is outspoken and strong-willed and a no-nonsense type of person.  Not me.  I just shut my mouth and took what was coming at me.  In my thirty-something years I have learned to swallow A LOT OF BULLSHIT.  I have always had a tendency to let people walk all over me, to laugh off things that they say that actually hurt me. I've become a master at hiding the overly sensitive and detrimentally empathetic part of myself that feels every feeling with the intensity of a thousand suns, only to come across as hard and cold and cynical.  I did that to myself.  Its no one else's fault.  I created that coping mechanism, and I have never said it's the healthiest thing to do, nor has it always worked.  Some see right through the facade, to the person that I really am.  Some don't bother to look at all and move on.  Some are so used to it that they accept it, and me, and love me anyways.  It's the latter that literally gets me through most of my days.  For those people I am loyal, fiercely protective, love with every fiber of my being, and appreciate more than words could ever really describe, and even with all of that...sometimes I'm still an asshole.  

So there you have it.  I confess.  I'm not perfect, but I am trying to be better, do better and to get rid some of these heavy rocks in my pockets so the I can learn to float and feel free.  I won't accept "this is the best I can do" from myself.  I know that I can do better. But I am not here to offer an apology for who I am or what I have been through. This is not an admission of self loathing, in fact, it's the opposite.  This is an acknowledgment of things that I do or have done that I want to change and that have made great efforts to see beyond and try to move forward with patience and self-love..  I am not a bad person, I am a NORMAL person.  I am not a package that is damaged beyond repair, but one that is constantly trying to evolve and grow.  I am a flawed woman with kindness and caring to share.  There are a lot of things about me that I have learned to embrace and you should too: I'm a bad dancer, I only wear black, I barely ever brush my hair, I cry at animal videos on Facebook, I drive like an old woman, I am terrible at math and I overcook the rice eight times out of ten...I AM NOT PERFECT NOR DO I ASPIRE TO BE SOME VERSION OF THAT. I am who I am and I am worthy of love, acceptance, understanding and value. So, now that I have said all of this I can feel confident in moving forward...  Cue MJ's Man In The Mirror.  

 

 

Truth Bomb: Superheroes, Villains, and The Power Of Trusting Our Children

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Trust.  It's a key part of human interaction, but also one of the hardest parts about being a human.   Do we trust? Will we trust? How does one trust? What happens when trust is betrayed? What qualifies someone as trustworthy? Trust surrounds us, engulfs us in her deceptive arms and lulls us into submission as time passes on. She makes us feel safe and secure and gives us emotional freedom when we embrace her whole-heartedly.  She also shakes the shit out of us, can make us feel our most vulnerable, wakes us up from our slumber with a swift kick to the gut and destroys the dream, turning it rapidly into a nightmare. You see, trust...she's a fickle bitch.  

I can sit here and write about the countless breeches in trust I have run into in my 37 years.  Relationships, marriage, friendships, and so on and so forth.  Here's the REAL reason I'm writing about trust.  As a parent, I trusted people at a particular institution and that trust was torn apart.  Without revealing too many personal and intricate details, I will say this: When it comes to our child ANY and ALL trust that we have given is with a degree of hesitation and uncertainty at first, but slowly earned and appreciated...but if it is ever broken, be prepared to feel our wrath.

Recently our family was faced with a situation that fragmented and splintered all of the trust we had given.  Sending your child off into the world is hard enough, but when you have to do so knowing what an awful place it can be, it is even harder.  We trusted his safety and security, we trusted his spirit and his heart would be protected, we trusted his mind would be unburdened of all the harshness of the world and that we would be given a chance to flourish and thrive. We noticed a pattern of behavior in our son that indicated stress and anxiety.  We know him, we observed him and we TRUSTED him and his four-year-old communication and disclosures.  Stories can sound outlandish, but are rooted in TRUTH. As a family we addressed issues that we all noticed, and in the end we believed that the villains in our story heard our concerns and heeded our warnings.

They DID NOT.   They BROKE that trust into a million tiny pieces of anger and sadness. 

Our heads spun.  Our hearts sank.  Or bodies wretched in utter disbelief.  But never, not once, did we ever lose TRUST in OUR CHILD.  That's the thing with raising kids in today's world, if you aren't listening to your own kid and blindly trusting adults, you've got a problem.  In this particular instance we learned very quickly to shut up and listen.  Listen to every word our son said to us and every word he muttered to himself in his room.  To calm down and watch.  Watch every expression on his face and every move he made.  And we TRUST him.  Trust that he's saying what he needs to say and exploring his environment how he needs to explore it in relation to his feelings and experiences.  Those are his superhero powers.  He may not be invincible, or be able to fly from building to building, but does have words and actions that give him capabilities beyond the scope of what we all can imagine.  That is his way of telling HIS truth. 

PARENTS: I cannot express this enough...without that we would have never known to battle his villains and to make the moves that we did to protect him from a potentially life changing event.  Even though we can't possibly shield him from everyone and everything that intends do him harm in the future, it's today that we realized that placing trust in him and allowing the conversations between us be entrenched in sincere certainty that we are empowering him with the right to tell us anything without judgment or punishment, to allow him to communicate feelings that we will validate, and create an environment where he is free to express himself, has created a person who is not easily victimized or taken advantage of by someone he didn't trust.  It's our opinion that he was able to stand up for himself and that power makes untrustworthy people uncomfortable.  

This isn't a blog about advice.  This isn't a blog about telling anyone how they should parent their own children.  This isn't about me telling you that we do it all right and anyone else did anything all wrong.  This is me telling you all that we trusted our child and it allowed us to take on a potentially threatening situation with confidence, even before we knew all of the underlying issues.  We gave our child trust and we took away the trust of the adults in the situation.  We took away the power from the adult and gave it to our son. It was HE who did the right thing and so did every child in the same situation, each in their own way. Every parent trusted their child and the children trusted the parents and in that trust a dangerous situation was addressed.  These kids were the super heroes.  They stood up to their villains and they are the ones that saved us all from certain doom.  Behind every super hero is a parent that believed in them first, and it was then we realized we are actually doing something right.  

An Open Letter to My Own Heart By A Single Mother

To My Dearest Heart, 

It's been far too long since we have communicated.  Please allow me this opportunity to say all of the things I have been wanting to say in an effort to repair our relationship and move forward.  First, let me apologize.  I have damaged you beyond repair.  When I was young, I gave you freely to anyone who made you skip a beat.  While, at the time I thought that was a good thing, I now realize that you needed to be handled with care.  I gave you to those who would abuse you, hurt you, kick you around like a hacky-sack, and then hand you back to me all battered and bruised, only to do it all over again with the next one.  When you had finally had enough, I walled you off.  I froze you in carbonite and hung you on the wall and didn't let anyone in.  The only room you had was for my son and you filled yourself with that love and care and thought that was the only thing you ever needed.  It was a good thought, in theory.  We both know that's not reality, but we tried, right? You became hardened and tough, sarcastic and jaded about love and life and how you deserved to be treated.  Huge pieces of you were missing and I let you fill those voids with darkness and carbs.  I let you be incomplete, for fear that you wouldn't be able to handle any more.  But I was wrong. I'm older now, and I realize that you can handle warmth and love, care and you can be whole again.  And when I felt that readiness, I did it to you again.  I let you be free and wild and uninhibited.  I unfroze you from the carbonite and you were blinded.  You stumbled. You made reactionary, survivalist, and animalistic choices to not only reach out to another heart and hold it close but to feel yourself come back to life.  To pump and to sing and to bask in happiness.  My mistake was handing you off without boundaries.  Like a teenager on spring break all drunk with emotions and sloppily letting you swallow whatever emotional concoction that came your way.  Just like that, you were back in the same dark space, all bitter and angry. It's not your fault.  I should have been better with you.  More patient and kind, more forgiving of your innate need to love and to be loved, and more conscious of your fragility.   

Now, I know you need your time to recover.  And I know you need your space and healing, but I don't want you to retreat into the depths of loneliness and solitude, yet again.  You will learn to function, you will learn to be whole, however that manifests itself. This time I promise I will protect you, but let you make some decisions...with supervision.  I will allow you to my co-pilot and have some input on our reactions to life, but you can't drive this train solo anymore.  You're needed elsewhere.  My son needs you to be unburdened and open to receiving all the love he is putting out to you.  My friends need you to be available to share with them and not shut down. My family needs you to be present and aware.  The right one, whoever that is and wherever they are, need you to be ready and willing to put aside the past and move forward.  

So it is with great appreciation and gratitude to you, my heart, that I say today that you are my priority. I will make you, instead of them, the one I care for first and foremost.  I will be proud of your scars, and that fact that you healed.  I will be mindful of your empty spaces and remember that they don't have to be filled right away, or with any old thing that comes along.  I will remember that the ones that handle you with care and concern deserve for you to be open and loving, not hateful and reactionary.  Those are learned responses to the damage that I have done, everyone else you can forgive.  I will continue to repent and apologize to you until you can see past the stupidity of my carelessness.  You will be OK. Ill keep telling you that everyday until you feel it.  I'm not looking for anything more than OK, because thats too tall of an order for you...and I get that.  You're beautiful, important, give so much to others with no agenda or ulterior motives, and you never ask for anything in return.  

I can't wait for the moment that you feel whole again, feel loved and cared for, feel free to soar and sing again, but until then just know...I've got your back.  

Sincerely,

The rest of me

Truth Bomb: When you want to "Live, Laugh, Love" But...

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Live.  Laugh. Love.  Seems simple, right? Well, I'm sure for some people it is.  It sounds lovely.  Its a goal to aspire to, for sure.  But if you live with anxiety, its damn near impossible.  I just thought I would share some of my struggles with letting go and trying to live a "normal" life dealing with anxiety.  

Most people don't really know what it is, so heres how I see it.  Basically, anxiety is the desire to do something but with overwhelming feelings of uneasiness and worry.  Doesn't seem that bad, right? Everyone has moments of anxiety.  But some of us just battle this dragon daily. Trying new things? Nope. Going someplace where you don't know anyone? Nope. Talking to new people? AHHH!!! People with anxiety play over and over in their heads what they have said, how they said it, and if they said it in. way that made no sense at all. We hear what you said and we worry maybe you don't like us, we worry we may come off like we don't like you.  We're human, so of course we don't communicate perfectly all of the time and it kills us. We will stress out that we have said all the wrong things. So see what I mean? Trying to be happy is a legit daily struggle.  Anxiety pushes people away.  It isolates you.  It causes you to look like a complete asshole, but you're really just afraid to open up and be vulnerable in any and all situations.  It's not that we don't want real human interaction, but people with anxiety are afraid of what happens next. What happens if we catch feelings? Now what? What happens if we don't know whats going to happen? Seems crazy.  And it is. It feels like crazy. Its awful, but I think people need to understand the DESIRE to want to be different and easy going and not nervous is there.  We just need a little help calming our brains down a bit to loosen up and live a little.  

I don't know about most people, but I know where mine comes from.  Emotional Trauma.  I'd say finding out my husband was cheating on me for half of our three year marriage was the beginning of the anxious feelings.  Then, just to pile on to that, a chaotic relationship coupled with pregnancy and my partners struggle with his own depression and self medication during the scariest time of our lives probably didn't help ease my anxiety at all.  After I had my son I just knew I had that overwhelming sense of fear of the unknown.  Well, anyone with kids knows nothing is easy, everything is chaos and everything is terrifying for the first time.  Just to add to all of those "Mommy Anxiety" I had a horrible break-up, and the feelings of utter relationship failure and fear of being alone and a single-mother basically just broke me.  I felt like a shell of a person.  On the outside everything was smiles and sunshine, but on the inside it feels a lot like drowning but with no one holding you under.  Think, being stuck in a rip tide in the ocean. You're just swimming along and all of a sudden your bathing suit is being shoved up your ass and a boob is out and you're sucking in water by the gallon and you only have yourself to blame for all of it because you know you shouldn't have swam out so far with all of the red flags waving in the wind.  

The living part is hard, but doable.  I've worked on getting to know myself but it's still not enough.  The trauma is still there.  The anxiety still takes hold of me some days and steers the crazy train.  Not everyday, not every decision, but some and it sucks.  I'm not the best at making new "mom friends", taking my son to places with new people or crowds it tough, but I do it for him. He shouldn't live a sheltered life because I'm afraid of what is going to happen or might happen or probably won't happen but its just there I'm my head nagging me that it might happen.   And honestly once I do try something new it feels good and empowering and I make the effort to do it again and again and each time it gets easier. Its not that people with anxiety can't live happy, healthy, productive lives.  We just struggle with an inner dialogue that we are pretty sure no one else can relate to.  We can be happy.  We can chill the F*&% out and enjoy life.  But its difficult, thats all we need you to understand.  

The laughing part is easy, but it also masks the anxiety.  Its tricky like that.  I can laugh about it.  I can laugh about myself and I can always just make everything a joke.  Its one of my coping mechanisms.  If I make a joke of it, and laugh about it or how ridiculous I am being, it seems to ease other people and makes me break down some of my own walls and break that guarded cycle of always trying to protect myself from people getting too close.  Letting people in is ok if we are laughing. Under the jokes just know a part of me is screaming "just go back home to your couch and the Golden Girls marathon!!"  But if I'm there and we're cry-laughing about something totally hilarious that means I'm invested. I'm not fighting the urges to isolate and I'm enjoying the moments with you.  That's huge for me.  Know that.  

The loving part is the hardest.  It seems impossible, but I want it so badly. Not just any kind of love but the kind of love that challenges me to be better, do better and to not run away to the couch and the Golden Girls.  It's easy to love my son. But, real talk, I am a total "smother mother" but that's a whole different Blog Post.  Love for him comes from somewhere thats is untouched by any other person.  It comes from an unconditional connection to someone who I made and who makes me want more out of life.  It's the other love that scary and terrifying and constantly feel uneasy and unsure of myself and if I am capable of being complete again.  You see, after all that has happened to me a piece of me heart went missing and anxiety filled it.  Replacing that with the unconditional love of another feels like uncharted territory.  I've never had that before.  There's always been conditions, stipulations, requirements for me to be something.  The perfect wife or the rescuer, the caretaker or the one who holds it all together.  Really loving someone isn't placing conditions on them.  It's just the opposite.  It's loving who they are, good, bad, or ugly...and with me there feels like a lot more bad and ugly than good sometimes.  That's what pushes people away.  Anxiety can make all of the good emotions mix with all of the nervousness and when someone special takes your heart in their hands it feels like someone has put a lid on a bottle and shaken it up.  Those emotions are all over the place. The  thing that was holding you together all of this time, CONTROL, is suddenly out the window and your left just out there and exposed.  Don't get me wrong, thats a good thing.  Thats what life is about.  Finding that is what we all want. It just seems harder for me.  I'm trying.  All I can do is try.  Try to be open, to share those feelings or fear, try to remember that not everyone wants to hurt me, and try to put those feelings of worry and dormant hurt into the baggage and leave them at the door and walk through the threshold of a new life with new feelings of love that can replace the negative. As much as you may think that you've done that, that you've conquered that ...its not until you're really faced with reality that you can say "ok, let's do this." Its not that I'm not ready for love, a relationship or deep feelings for someone. I am.  I know I can do it and I know the person who lets me is the right one for me.  It's going to hurt, and be messy and be hard sometimes but if I don't let that happen then the anxiety wins...and I'm not a loser.  I don't like to let something like that beat me.  I won't let it.  I just have to trust and the right one will trust that I'm trusting them with it all.  

If we breakdown in front of you, thats because we finally feel like its all coming to a head and instead of sweeping those feelings under the rug we are letting them out.  We probably will communicate poorly during this because emotions aren't easily verbalized at this point.  Its just a all vomiting out and we're powerless to it all because we have stopped holding on with such a tight grip.  Its not a bad thing.  Its actually good. We won't do this for just anyone, we just don't show our cards like that.  It's ok.  Just be patient, when we can get let it out it just means we're closer and closer to leaving it all behind and giving you the whole person we want to be.   It's something we can't help feeling.  It's a part of us, and as much as I don't want it, its there and we're trying my best to deal with it all.  

It's so hard to put into words the way anxiety and emotional trauma can affect someone.  I hope this paints a picture of what it's like.  Not just for me but for the people who love me and are in my life.  They need to know it's not them.

I am swimming away from the rip tide, I've pulled my swim suit from my ass, and I am keeping my head above water... and to all of those people who love me as I am, you are my life preserver.

Birthday Truth Bomb: 37 to Zero and My Decision to Stop Living My Life By The Numbers

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Today is my birthday.  I'm Turing 37.  It's not a monumental birthday for most people, but it is for me.   Today I am owning up to something I have been thinking about for a LONG time and deciding not to live my life by the numbers anymore.  So, I am 37. What the hell does that even mean? Am I supposed to feel old? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled and contented to be 'middle aged?' I don't feel that way at all.  In fact I feel like my age is reversing! It's taken me 37 years to self actualize on some serious shit and today I feel like sharing it with all of you.  

I am happier than I was when I was 27.  That was the year I got married.  A horrible decision to try to hold on to an idea of what I thought a twenty-something was 'supposed to do.' Take it from me.  Don't let age dictate your actions.  Trust your gut. One divorce later and I can say I am much more appreciative of myself and who I am.  Now, that I really think about it 17 wasn't even that "happy."  Who is happy in high school? It's awful. I was awkward, and nerdy, and didn't fit in anywhere.  I was so ready to leave my small town to get away from all of the things I thought were holding me back and weighing me down that I just rushed through those teenage years.  I so desperately just wanted to be an adult. Now that I am an 'actual adult' things haven't really changed...mentally still feel 17! Dance in my underwear to TLC and think back on days when I was thinner, less wrinkled, unsure, unaware of my own power and I thank the universe I have had so many years to discover that all of that wonderful inside of me has always been there.  Always.  

I am single...as in "table for one please" and "one-ticket-to-the-latest-horrible- rom-com-'cause-I-don't-have-anyone-to-worry-about-complaining-through-the-whole-movie" single.  Sounds nice, right? Yeah.  It's ok for a while, but its been 4 years and I am still alone and I am starting to think I may be stuck like this, but I have to keep reminding myself that it took 10 years in miserable relationships to get to the point where I began to put myself first.  No rush.  Putting my own needs at the top of the priority list is what's most important these days.  

So here I am, looking in the mirror and this is what I see: 

I am 37, a size 16, run 5 miles 4 days a week, gave birth to 1 kid 4 years ago after 22 hours of labor. Now I am a single mom with some extra weight on her frame but can bench 115 pounds.  I have spent 20 years hiding in a 1 piece bathing suit and eating 1200 calories a day, less than 20 grams of carbs a day, to try to fit into a image that just isn't attainable because as much as I try I can barely get that number on the scale below 190.  I'm over it.  I am ready to be free of the numbers.  I feel young, I feel healthy, I feel motivated, and I feel grateful. Some places on my body may jiggle when I walk or dance and I may have a wrinkle or two when I smile, but I am finally smiling. I may eat a carb or have an actual meal and not feel guilty. I may have fewer friends but the ones I have are quality individuals who have helped carry me through 17 years of strife and struggle. And I may be flying solo on date nights, but I am worthy.  Worthy of happiness, of love, of kindness, of compliments, and of feeling as beautiful inside and out than anyone else.   For the first time in my life I can put on a 2 piece bathing suit, lift my hands to the sky and say "This is me! I am 37 and giving ZERO Fucks!"