Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: When WTF Becomes Your Norm

1. My child peed on his mask the other day and did not tell me until bedtime…

2. I am so sick of political conspiracy theory and these mudslinging ads that whenever they pop up, I have a Pavlovian response to get up and get into bed and hide.  

3. Is anyone else basically afraid to turn on the news? 

4. At what point is 2020 going to get less weird? Would that be between fire-tornadoes or the Fujiwara? 

5. Neon is back, and I am totally OK with it. This is coming from someone who has not had color in her wardrobe since the W Bush era.  

6. Remember, socializing without judging how close people are standing next to you? Ew, back up y'all.  

7. Bars have opened back up, just when I quit drinking.  

8. I have seen more "Wu-Tang Is Forever" yard signs than political yard signs lately, so there's a positive for ya.  

9. If Netflix binging were educational, I would have a Ph.D. in documentaries about other people's dumpster-fire lives.  

10. I have watched more YouTube videos on second grade Math than makeup tutorials or how to fix a sink, so that's new.  

Comment below and tell me how 2020 has gotten super weird for YOU! 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: 12 Types of Guys To Avoid While Dating

Consider this list a guide to the types of dudes you’ll encounter if you’re trying to date as a single mother.

Disclaimer: I speak from experience on all of these, but I am no expert…I am sure there are more types of assholes out there. I am also sure that there are some really wonderful guys out there with lots of amazing qualities to offer. They’re just not dating right now because they’re busy compiling a list of awful women.

1. Broke Guy: This is the guy who still owes your ass some money because he needed gas or some bullshit. He is also known as “lemme borrow forty-dollars just to get by ‘til I get paid” guy. He never gets paid and if he does he sure as fuck ain’t paying you back any time soon. This is also the guy the never pulls out his credit card to run the bar tab or offers to pay for dinner. Your wallet will thank you for not dating this guy. After the first time he’s late getting his money right you need to ghost him with the quickness. Trust me.

2. Emotional Basket Case Guy: This is the guy that always has something dramatic and negative going on in his life. The car breaks down, his boss is a dick, or any combination of sad-sack-of-shit excuses he comes up with to just be a completely negative bitch about life and he decides to unload all of this onto you, as if you don’t have enough of your own stuff going on. Girl, hard pass on this douche. The first sign of constant drama and you need to send this fish back into the sea. Trust me.

3. Captain Eggplant: This is the guy that seems cool, but is instantly a little too flirty, resulting in him sending you a series of unsolicited dick-pics while you're trying to run errands, clean or just generally live a non-penis-bombarded life. Note to self, fellas: Dicks are not photogenic.

4. Emotionally Unavailable Guy: I actually don’t mind this guy because I get him. It sucks to be burned and we’re all out here trying to find a good partner. Its super helpful if this dude is up-front about his issues. Sometimes they are not. Trust me.

5. DUI Guy: This is the guy who cannot pick you up for a date or has to Uber everywhere because his car will only start with one of those breathalyzer thingies. He only suggests dates to bars and sometimes even just shows up wasted for a date. Run fast in the other direction, ladies. Trust me.

6. Mr. Mindfuck: This piece-of-shit is the guy who you could fall for real fast. He says all the right things, the dates are great, the relationship is wonderful…until he starts to get insecure about himself and “loves you, but cannot commit to something serious.” If he L-Bombs you within the first month or two you need to think about that for a moment. Is that “normal”? Or is he getting his hooks into you before you’re both ready for that? Naturally, if break up with this guy he will keep coming back, but only when you’ve moved on or he can cosmically sense that you’re doing really well without him in your life. You’ll have to block him on all forms of social media, stop hanging out at your favorite places and ignore your shared friends. He will take any chance he can get to reconnect after some time away from you to mess with your head. This is the worst kind of guy. Trust me.

7. Master Ghoster: This is the guy you talk to for a while that falls off of the face of the earth. Take that as a good thing and move on. Trust me.

8. Cheater McLiarson: Master manipulator and a world class liar, this guy can hide cheating and lying for ages. Eventually we all get the feeling that this guy’s stories aren’t adding up and it turns you into the worst version of yourself…a raging, jealous lunatic. Best thing to do with this guy is to call him out, quit his sorry ass and never return…because Grandma always said that people don’t change, and she was right. Trust me.

9. Can’t Decide Guy: This is the guy that can’t decide if he wants a hook-up, a friendship, or a relationship. We are all adults here. Having a “friend with benefits” is totally OK. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a serious relationship, but enjoying a physical one. The problem arises when you are solid in your footing but this guy can’t make up his mind. If he can’t decide now, he never will. Don’t stay in stuck in the in-between because neither party want their feelings hurt. Trust me.

10. Mr. Easily Intimidated: This is the guy that you go on a date with and he is way too easily intimidated by your beauty, intelligence, confidence, sex appeal, or whatever, so he decides that he’s not right for you because he’s none of those things. No amount of constant reassuring, ego-massaging, confidence-boosting and convincing can make this work. He will always feel insecure and jealous on some level. Trust me.

11. Mr. Overly Confident: This is the guy that just posts gym selfies, chooses his nipples as his profile pic and cannot, for some reason, date an “ugly/fat chick.” This guy ends up alone and miserable. Trust me.

12. Master of Disguise: This guy has no real identity. He morphs into whatever he needs to be at the time. Adaptable is great, but this guy isn’t sure who he REALLY is and for that reason I say just run the other way. He is confused in life and will be confused in love. Trust me.

Warning: In many occasions there will be combinations of these men. For Example: Broke/MindFuck Guy who starts out cool but ends up draining your energy and your wallet. All I can say is not to settle. You and I both deserve nothing but the best and if you’re not happy with yourself NO amount of male attention will cure that feeling. With that said, I am still very single and learning to navigate the shark infested waters, but I still have hope that one day one dude will be Mr. Decent Guy and all will end up well.

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Back To School Edition

Summer vacation is over and the kids are back in school.  Cue the celebratory music, the running to the bathroom to poop alone, the pedicure appointments, the psychotic cleaning fits and the ability to shower without fixing a toy with shampoo in your eyes.  It's an amazing feeling when they are back to a routine and you can finally focus...for one minute and then you realize that the real pain in the ass is just starting.  

1. Many of us are just now realizing we are going to be wasting our best years in the pick-up line yelling at the minivan in front of us to "move up" and getting a third degree sunburn on only one arm.  

2. I overheard some moms bragging about their kids learning Chinese over the summer at their hipster-immersion camps and yet I saw their little darlings picking their noses and wiping it on a wall last week. 

3. Packing lunch is just placing 6 snack-pack size random things into a lunch box because the Pintrest-worthy animal-made-from-fruits and such lunches you've tried to send to school come home looking like Sloth from Goonies and they only thing your kiddos consume is the cheese and the juice box.  

4. I am definitely guilty of buying the freshest new kicks for school only for my child to beg to wear his Mario slippers because they are way cooler.  (Forehead smack) 

5. Does anyone else's child have to be up at the butt-crack of dawn for Kindergarten? What is that all about? 

6. What are all of these people talking about "back to school, time for wine" when it's 7 a.m. on a Wednesday and all I want to do is go back to bed but I have to try to get the paint out of this expensive ass uniform shirt from last year because I am way too cheap to buy a 6 year old a new wardrobe.  

7.  Trust me when I say that parts of summer were slow.  We didn't do summer camp every week, so at times the hours on the clock would move at a glacial pace.  Now that school is back in I feel the exact opposite.  I am in drop off line, pull out of the school parking lot and into Starbucks and then it's time to get into pick-up line.  Are we just in some sort of weird carline Twilight Zone that no one tells you about at Teacher Meet and Greet? 

8. Speaking of Teacher Meet and Greet...Why don't they just let us all come in yoga pants, pajama and with gym hair? If they did they would have a better chance of recognizing me the next time they see me.  

9. Is it a rule that at least once a week my child must allow his water bottle to leak and soak his entire bag, or is that just a super awesome coincidence? 

10. Kids have a tendency to pick up odd habits at school. My son can now communicate through an intricate armpit Morse Code that would impress military code breakers.  

11. Someone asked me if I was sad when my little started Kindergarten this year.  My honest answer is as follows: No, I am super proud of us all for surviving this long in one piece and with no visible or apparent trauma.  These first five years are hard.  Keeping little rebels safe and happy is not easy.  Good job, parents! You did it.  Here's to the next 20 years of survival. Cheers! (insert wine here) 

12. Our family isn't traditional, as we all know.  We are a co-parenting family with 3 active parents (including a badass step-mom) so when the school inferred that step-momma bear was "the nanny" I'm not sure who was more offended: me, her or the feminist father whose jaw we had to pick up off of the floor.  (Another forehead smack) 

13. I saw a bumper sticker on a minivan that said "suburban gangsta." These are people I have to spend the next YEARS of my life socializing with at awkward birthday parties. I'm so screwed.  

14. There are two versions of greeting other parents.  One is a version that is warm, genuine and true.  You know these people.  They know you.  They get you and your weird kid and they are here for, it no matter what.  The second version is high pitched, painful and  forced shrill "HEEYYYYY" that is almost a warning not to come near you because they are complete assholes and you don't have the energy to fend off their passive aggressive insults before your coffee kicks in.  

15. Any time spent outside of school not doing homework or classwork review is basically spent trying to make your child as tired as possible.  Don't be surprised of you stop by this week and I am making the little re-mulch the flower beds.  That would ensure an 8pm bedtime.  

Funny Observations From My Life As a Single Mom: 12 Times Fashion Failed You

1. Girl, if you are out to brunch and working hard at finding the bottom of the "bottomless mimosas" don't teeter around town in 5 inch platform wedges.  They look cute one drink in, but by the third you're falling flat on your ass on the way to the bathroom.

2. Let's talk about rompers.  First of all, if the romper rides up in the back then let's assume its riding up in the front.  That's not cute, girl. NOT CUTE.  Also, if your ass checks are falling out of said romper you would consider upsizing.  Real Talk: it's complete rare that a real human can pull off this look, so maybe just don't.  OK?

3. I am all for leggings, don't get me wrong.  But, in the unfortunate event that the pattern of a kitten, unicorn, rainbow, or any other majestic being looks like is leaping from your ass (or even worse...vag) just don't wear them in public.  Remember that the internet it a cruel place and you don't want to end up next weeks most popular meme.  

4. If high-wasted jeans are making you look like you have a mile-long-flat-ass and a "front-butt", please consider that some trends are for 17-year-olds with a lightening fast metabolism...and thats not you.  

5. If you are wearing leggings and I can see your maxi-pad outline you may need to find a longer shirt. (You have no idea how common this is...for reals.) 

6. If your bra makes you look like you have four boobs or one big mono-boob you may want to rethink the size of said over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.  

7. Fellas can have a fashion fail, too.  If your shirt reads as a dick/fart joke, you've failed BIG time.  

8. If you wanna smoke weed, thats cool.  If I see you at the school function wearing your pot leaf necklace circa 1994 you're gonna retire that shit ASAP.  

9. Over the age of 14 ironic t-shirts are no longer cute or ironic.  

10. Crocs are not shoes for every occasion.  If you think they are you need a smack in the face with one.  

11.  When heading to the beach or the pool, please remember that the rules of swimwear are not just a loose interpretation.  Seriously, some of y'all need to get a grip on that shit. I'm not your doctor or your partner so I don't need to see that much of you in public. 

12. If you aren't sure about whether or not you are a walking fashion fail just go to places like WalMart or Disney and look around.  If your outfit looks like most of their outfits, you fail.  If not, you should be all good.  (We all know WalMart and Disney are the two places fashion goes to die, just admit it.) 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: 20 Times You Became Brutally Aware That Some Self-Care is Needed ASAP!

1. When you realize that if you ever decided to go for a jog (stop laughing, it may happen) that your leg hairs may cause a friction fire.  

2. When you realize that your last actual pedicure was when that "Jenny From The Block" song was popular AF. 

3. When you realize that your last bath was a 15 minute soak to remove the filth of the day and that you used bubble gum bubble bath and had to try not to accidentally goose yourself with a naked Barbie. 

4. When you realize that the last time you went to Yoga you were A. flexible and B. didn't pee a little bit when you attempt Dolphin Pose. 

5. When you realize you've had a gummy bear stuck in your messy bun (BTW, Mom's invented this look with NO credit from Pinterest.) 

6. When you realize your eyebrows are either reminiscent of tow caterpillars mating on your face or you've just gone full Whoopie Goldberg and just don't care to draw them bitches on anymore.  Either way...it's just bad news.  

7. When you realize that your daily meditation is "Please don't punch that bitch who cut me off in the pick-line..." 

8. When you realize Pinterest is your only real mental break in the day...but it's 3AM and you're still pinning projects you'll never do.  

9. When you realize your wardrobe went from "Hey, look at me. I'm the hot party girl." to "Hey, Please ignore me and if you do speak to me don't expect me to be happy about it."

10. When you realize the last date you went on was with yourself and even you disappointed you on the date.  

11. When you realize you once had some bras what made you say "Oh damn, I feel sexy" and now all of your bras just make you say "Please just don't let a tit fall out when I bend over to pick up the groceries." 

12. When you realize that you're well past the point of no return...leggings are just now the only "pants" you own.  

13. When you realize you've been driving around ALONE and singing the Moana soundtrack as loud as you possibly can.  Remember when you had good taste in music? Nope, not any more.  

14.  When you realize that the days of lingerie, thongs, and sexy thigh highs have been replaced by big, beige, control-top type situations that cover you from Boob to Kankle. 

15. When you realize that your last girls night out ended in an epic conversation with your Uber driver about that time your kids had explosive diarrhea.  

16. When you realize the last time you had a good cry was at the end of the movie Coco.

17. When you realize you the last meal you made just for yourself was a bowl of cereal and a vodka tonic.  

18. When you realize the last book you read was What to Expect When You're Expecting...and it was a book of LIES, so now you have trust issues.   

19. When you realize the last time you saw a therapist was on the show Intervention. 

20. When you realize the last selfish thing that you've done is get a Pap-Smear. 

Funny Observations From My Life as a Single Mom: New Year, Same Hashtag MomLifeAF

 #newyearnewme? NOPE. More like #newyearmoreofthesame.  I don't need to be a "new me" every new year.  What I do need is for the rest of the damn world to recognize being a Mom means that we are each majestic damn unicorns in sweat pants, juggling our lives and the lives of tiny humans and that the same me day after day and year after year is enough.  

 #nofilter This should apply to the fact that I don't need need a filter to look good. My makeup free, messy hair, and lack of Instagram eyebrows doesn't need a kitty cat face to make me feel pretty.  It also should apply to the fact that after 5 years as a single mother I have lost my ability to filter any of my words when I am not around children. 

#MomsNightOut may sound like a group of trash mouth truckers.  Just be happy we aren't spelling out the cuss words over our glasses of wine and food that isn't shaped like a dinosaur.  

#MomLifeIsTheBestLife  Let's be 100.  its not ALWAYS the best life.  It's hard, and exhausting, and challenging and draining and an emotional rollercoaster and on and on...but we wouldn't change it for all the free time in the world because life before children may have been well-rested but it was dull and tasteless compared to watching someone grow and thrive right before your eyes ...even when you're elbows deep in poppy-diapers or putting together a science project at the eleventh hour because they "forgot." 

 #Babysitter = iPad...deal with it.  I need a moment. 

#boymom As a mom of a 5 year old boy I have come to realize that a good 30% of my time is spent talking about penis.  "Put your penis away." "Do you have to pee? Why are you holding your penis?" "I'm sorry you hit yourself in the penis with that toy...but HOW does that even happen?" penis, penis, penis... 

#nofucksgiven I think it's pretty obvious by my wardrobe, lack of love-life and inability to edit my facial expressions I am out of all the fucks to give about the bullshit opinions out there in the world regarding parenting.  Do what feels right for you.  

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#assholeparent The perfect summation of parenting.  No matter how perfect you may want to seem, we are all assholes to our kids at some point.  Like when you buy them popsicles but they aren't the "right ones" so they throw a fit and you're pretty sure the only cure to that is to call and young pretest and an old priest and perform some sort of exorcism.  

#parentingtips Here's mine: keep them alive.  Other than that, I got nothin'.

#kidsfashion It would be nice is he wore actual clothes but for some reason its pajamas or naked and no in-between.  

#parentinghumor You better have this or survival rates decline rapidly...

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Thanksgiving Edition

1. I am just so thrilled to cook an entire Thanksgiving feast that my son won't even think about eating.  (Do I sound sarcastic, or is that just how I talk now?)

2. Dear school, Please don't make my kid dress in culturally appropriated construction paper costumes.  

3. The REAL reason we make everyone eat at two o'clock in the afternoon is so that we can make sure everyone is asleep by 3 o'clock and we can be drinking wine by 3:15. 

4. I've given up on elaborate tablescapes and traditional Cornucopia decor for Thanksgiving because the house has been decked out in Christmas crap since the kid took of his Halloween costume.  

5. I am not excited to have to explain what a "giblet" is for the one millionth time this year.  Yes it's gross, and no I don't know why we cook with it. Don't. Ask. Questions.  

6. Acceptable TV choices for Thanksgiving: The Parade, Addams Family Values, and Christmas Vacation.  Unacceptable TV choices: Football...y'all need to go home and watch that shit on your own damn TV.  

7. Why do we even try to dress up for Thanksgiving meals when all that will fit after 3 hours of stuffing faces is sweatpants?  

8.  Confession: I hate pumpkin pie...doesn't mean I'm not going to eat 3 pieces...

9.  I am going Instagram every fucking thing I cook on Thanksgiving as proof that I can throw down in the kitchen.  

10. The dishes shall be done by the first asshole to mention politics at the dinner table.  

11.  This is the one holiday you can eat your feelings and no one will notice, so go for it! 

12.  My Thanksgiving goal is to turn my blood type to "GRAVY"...

13.  Most days we try to get our kids to eat normal vegetables. On Thanksgiving we try to get them to eat it in casserole form, like they don't recognize the green bean under all the crap thats on top of it.  

14. Best way to piss off your holiday host is to fall asleep before they've even had a chance to sit down to eat.  Don't be that asshole.  

15. When is a good time to stop eating? I say it's usually somewhere between "food coma brought on by a tryptophan overdose" and "bodily injury due to unregulated mashed potato consumption." 

Truth Bomb: This year it is important for me to remind myself of how truly thankful I am for my health and the health of my son and our family. So many are not as fortunate and it weighs on my soul.  It is not lost on me that we have to ability to enjoy all of life's blessing without struggle and pain.  Our table will be full. Our loved ones are present.  We will be surrounded in love and bounty, but so many will not be.  The greatest lesson this season is to give with no expectation of receiving and to love with an open heart and a willingness to share with others.  Please consider the less fortunate this season and remember to carry that feeling throughout the year.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Spooky and All Together Ooky...A Halloween Edition

1. Halloween has become about discussing Halloween and everything Halloween related all day everyday for 3 months, only to have your kid see an early Christmas display at Target and now he gives ZERO F*&%s about any of your costume or decorating efforts.  

2. Who else thinks that Halloween should only be celebrated on the weekends? This mid-week BS is the stuff of parenting nightmares.  

3. If you want any kind of adult "school-classroom-appropriate" costume you should break out the old sewing machine and throw something together on your own...unless you think "sexy corn" or "sexy shoehorn" or "sexy random kitchen utensil" is welcome at the preschool Fall Festival, because that's all that is for sale at the Halloween stores.  

4. Speaking of Halloween stores, we took my soon-to-be-five-year-old son to one to pick out a costume.  He freaked out, had a mini-panic attack, and wouldn't let go of his Dad.  We literally bought the first two decent costumes we saw and had to book it out of there before we did any kind of major psychological damage.  (I need to stop watching Mindhunter on Netflix...) 

5. We happen to live in the Sunshine State, so trick or treating or anything fall related is more about managing an overheating kiddo, my boob sweat and making sure everyone is chafe-free and doesn't end up with heat rashes and dehydration.  

6. We have 5 costumes because he will either make a last minute final decision or just throw together some homage to Cybil and be 5 personalities at once, which sounds more fun than the typical Ghost or Paw Patrol character to me.  

7. Halloween candy...every mom's winter-weight nightmare.  I say give it to Dad.  I hear 'Dad-bod" is actually a "thing" now.  

8. Pumpkin flavored everything is gross.  Fact.  Stop it.  

9. Question: How the F am I supposed to get my kid to school after a solid 24 hours of him operating on adrenaline, sugar, and the sheer willpower to keep up with the bigger kids on the trick or treating route? I feel like he will be going to school with a Halloween Hangover...and we know how awesome those can be if you've ever tried to go to work the day after drinking way too much dressed as "sexy corn."  

10.  The most annoying thing about Halloween? Trying to figure out if I need to dress and act a little LESS like Morticia Addams for this one day a year.  

11. Candy corn is made of what, exactly?

12. How many kids will be dressed as a Poop Emoji and do we find this cute or just weird? I mean...the kid decided to dress as feces.  

13. You know what's really fun? Cleaning up the gelatinous remains of what once resembled a carved pumpkin.  Ew.  

14. I lost count on how many times I've threatened to "cancel Halloween" due to bad behavior.  

15. How to traumatize a person with anxiety: dress your child in a costume that blends with all the other kids costume, let him lose on the streets, around strangers and with plastic weapons...and do all of this in the dark.  

16. Is it me or is there always at least one asshole kid in the group? 

17. Is it me or is there always one drunk AF parent in the group? 

18. You can always tell the houses that ate all of the "good candy" by the look of guilt on their faces and the hurried manner in which they threw in some loose Certs and cough drop into your kid's bucket. 

19. The trick or treat route is only as long as the length of time it takes the lead parent empty their giant Yeti cup of adult beverage.  

20. Is Tired AF a costume? 'Cause I got that look on lock. 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The 'What Ever Happened To...' Edition

1. What ever happened to children's birthday parties that weren't out of control? Remember birthday parties as a kid? They consisted of 6 or 7 of your best buddies, maybe a cousin or two, a cake, some paper hats.  Well, not anymore. Now we have elaborate soirees where we invite 40 kids AND THEIR PARENTS (because no one just drops their kid off anymore, like our parents did) cupcake towers that would put your wedding cakes to shame, and truckloads of gifts that we know our kids don't need (or deserve, because...when is that last time they picked up their own room?)  

2. What ever happened to "be home when the street lights come on" parenting? We don't live in that type of world anymore. Kids used to be able to get together with friends and explore the world around them. Remember The Goonies or Stand By Me? Yeah, no.  That shit would never happen nowadays. Instead, we have to helicopter parent and monitor every moment because the streets are filled with crazies making even the best of neighborhoods feel unsafe and thereby creating a culture of over stressed parents and overly uptight kids. 

3. Whatever happened to quality toys? Every toy I buy is a piece of crap.  It falls apart or is flimsily made and sometimes barely even makes it home before its broken, creating meltdown after meltdown.  Dear toy makers, you suck. 

4. What ever happened to kids having the time to play after school? I've heard horror stories from countless parents about hours of homework...starting in kindergarten.  Not gonna lie, this freaks me out.  I'm terrified of having to confine my child to the house for additional school work instead of letting him run around the backyard getting exercise and releasing the pent up energy he already has before eating a good dinner and going to bed at a decent hour.  How are you parents surviving this?? 

5. What ever happened to just packing a school lunch? We all know how difficult the rules have become.  (No, I am not saying that I don't respect the fact that allergies are real and dangerous.) But damn, packing lunch sucks now.  Old school parents just threw in some bologna sandwiches, Cheetos, and some Snapple. 

6. What ever happened to parenting while quietly judging everyone else, instead of putting it all over the internet? Remember the days of your parents and your friend's parents sitting around (possibly while smoking and drinking cocktails at 4:30pm) and talking shit about other parents? That stayed in the inner circle.  It was never splashed all over Facebook or brought to everyones attention in a group text.  

7. What ever happened to customer service? Remember when you could give a person money in return for goods or services and DIDN'T have to go through an automated phone service or were required to go online? Gone are the days of just buying some shit...now we have to deal with the website first.  I don't get it.  

8. Whatever happened to making friends? Now we just friend request each other or follow each other instead of actually hanging out and doing stuff.  

9. What ever happened to babysitters who were the teenage daughter of a family friend or a college girl that lived down the street? They were the coolest, got paid twenty bucks for the whole night and barely supervised anything because they were on the phone the whole time talking to friends.  I learned SO much from my babysitters.  How to get my bangs to stay up like a huge wave coming off my forehead, who the Thompson Twins were, how to call a boy...the important stuff.  I'm pretty sure my babysitters had no real child care experience, no CPR certification, no background checks and absolutely no ability to make sound decisions on nutrition. 

10. Whatever happened to walking? It was never a big deal to walk to the store, or walk around the mall or walk all over the Disney World when I was little.  Now, kids avoid this walking thing like the plague.  I've seen kids in strollers that look like they're graduating from high school any moment now. 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Verbal Blunders Vol. 1

1. While diligently working on a project for Parent Night at school, teacher asked my son "What is your favorite food?"  Kid's response, "a Crappy Meal...That's what my parents call McDonald's." Needless to say the teacher had a great time telling us this story during Parent Night.  Disclaimer: don't get your underpants in a bind... we use fast food as a treat on very rare occasions and it isn't part of his regular diet, but what kid doesn't love a shitty little toy in that goofy ass box? 

2. When we go over train tracks or a big bump in the road my son will often yell out "That scares my penis!"  I literally have no clue what this means, as I do not have a penis, but I imagine said body part being 'scared' is a not good thing...Amiright?

3. As I was standing in the shower the other day trying to get my head together and my son came in and said "nice perky boobies, Mom"... WTF? Note to self: shower at midnight when he's asleep...

4. Me: Come eat your dinner!  Son: I hope it doesn't taste like poop again. Me: (dead silence and face on floor)

5. I overheard my son tell Darth Vader "not to be a dick" one time and it took everything I had to keep it together.  I laughed so hard that tears soaked my face.  

6. This also reminds me of the Thanksgiving when my son called Donald Trump a "Dick" to my very ultra conservative family member and all I could do is shrug and say "he's not wrong." Needless to say, it made for great holiday awkwardness.

7. I asked my son to please not touch the toilet seat when in a public bathroom and he exclaimed, "Are girls THAT DIRTY when they pee?!" Roars of laughter are heard from the surrounding stalls...

8. Son: Did you get me a surprise for being so good? Me: No, but you should be proud of yourself. Son: I'd rather be proud of you for buying me a new Pokemon.  Me: (smacks forehead)

9. While getting my sons bathtub ready and he walks in and says, "I'm gonna need a bath bomb in there, it's been a long day..." I feel ya, bro.  

10. So, I finally go the first call from the principal.  Apparently a teacher asked the kids, "What is an F word?" (The letter of the week is Letter F)  My son retorts with "FUCK, but my Mom says I shouldn't say it. It's a grown up word." Technically he was correct and therefor, couldn't be punished.  Honestly, I was pretty proud.

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Back to School Edition

1. The First Day Back to School should be a National Holiday where all parents get the day off of to have bottomless mimosas and take an actual bath or bathroom break without someone bringing you the iPad to look up videos or flings a fidget spinner in your direction. 

2. Uniforms are both a blessing and a curse. No arguments over what to wear in the morning, but today my son informed me his uniform shorts make his butt itch.  Its always something (smacks forehead.) 

3. You know you're ready for school days to be longer when you're willing to keep writing checks for every after school activity under the sun just to give you the extra 35 minutes of free time.  (Signs up kid for under water basket weaving club.) 

4. The first week back to school all parents feel a bit bipolar. At one point you're shoving them out the door and into the car and the first in the drop off line, driving away cranking up the 2 Live Crew and heading straight to your pedicure appointment.  And at any given point in the 6 hours they are gone you catch a glimpse of their tiny underwear or a sock and break down into a full blown sobbing, snotting mess of a depression because they are growing up too fast and you want them to stay your baby forever.  There's very little in between.  The only cure for this is a cruise around Target, solo style.  

5. Another school year means another set of new parents to meet and more of my awkward social anxiety and it doesn't help that my wardrobe is less LuLuLemon/Lily Pulitzer and more Morticia Addams and shirts with curse words.  Thank goodness we don't have to exit our vehicles for drop off and pick up...no one needs to see me braless and in my pajamas.  

6. I have found that I am willing to wake up everyone in the house at 5 am if it guarantees me that they're in bed at 7:00 or 7:30 pm.  Really just so I can enjoy the extra down time between packing lunch and doing laundry and watch Game Of Thrones.  Hashtag Winter Is Here, Bitches.  Go To Sleep!! 

7. I'm sure that my personal offense to the fact that my son ate 3 bites of the carefully crafted and specially curated culinary 'experience' that is packed ever so delicately into his lunch box will wear off after this first week.  Week two he will be looking at crackers, yogurt and maybe a pop tart...

8. Pay the big bucks for tuition, uniforms, clothes, shoes, new backpacks, lunch boxes, etc, and all you hear when you ask how their day was is "Good, I guess. Can we go get a happy meal?" FML.

9. Confession:  I'm not sure about other parents, but I have to set alarms on my phone so I don't forget to pick up my own kid, because I am either frantically cleaning the house so that it looks decent for 30 min or I'm actually enjoying my alone time that much.  Either one is can be super distracting.  

10. When you look around at all of the tan and toned and summery blonde Moms and think...."I didn't do summer right." Not tanned, not toned and not summery blonde.  More like pasty legs and sunburnt torso from all the pool time, 10 extra pounds of BBQ weight, hands dyed blue from making slime and and hair a slight tinge of green from chlorine.  

In all seriousness, I'd like us all to remember that there are parents out there looking at all of these kids going back to school on social media who can't post a picture because they are home or at hospitals caring for their sick children who desperately just want to join in on the simple pleasures of schools and lunches and clubs and bus stops.  Please send whatever you believe in, whether it be love and light, collective consciousness or prayers...do it for those parents who suffer silently caring for their kids.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Beauty Edition

1. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." but that doesn't mean I still don't get a little startled when I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear review mirror on the way to drop off... Seriously, who is that woman looking back at me? 
2. Remember when you woke up and "got ready" for the day by doing your hair and putting on makeup and an outfit that you planned right down to the perfect accessories? Remember when you spent hours doing beauty treatments and facials and mani/pedis and even cared about waxing? Remember when you got your hair done more than biannually?
3. I will admit this to all of you right now...I GET BOTOX! Trust me, you don't want to see my real facial expressions anyways.  
4. When it takes more time to apply wrinkle creams and anti-aging treatments at night than it does to put your kid to sleep, you know you're in trouble...
5. I don't think doing things to make yourself feel good about how you look, or what your hair looks like, looking younger and fresher, and feel more confident is being a "bad mom", and when people imply that to me they usually look like hot trash too, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.  
6. I appreciate that fact that the "messy bun" is in style but there's a difference between what Pinterest is talking about and my messy mom hair that hasn't been washed in a week and at one point housed a gummy bear for a whole day without my knowledge.  
7. I call it multi-tasking when I put on a seaweed mask or clay mask and scare the shit out of my son with my "monster makeup"...
8. Back in the day I used to oil up and lounge by the pool until I reached the perfect shade of tan.  Now I look like a bee keeper out there, completely covered up and slathered in SPF 3 million...except on the tops of my feet...I always forget those. 
9. I think a lot of Moms judge each other way too much on this subject.  Either we are too put together to be "super mom" or we look like a pile of shit and are told we "aren't taking care of ourselves properly to be a good mom." F THAT! Do what makes you feel good! Lasers, peels, injections, make-up, weekly blowouts...or nothing at all.  It's up to you and no Mom at the playground should make your vanity or lack-there-of a weapon against you.  (Plus you know that bitch dyes her hair too... Girl, Bye.) 
10. Summertime beauty is basically all about waterproof mascara and trying not to resemble a troll doll.  
11. Its inevitable that your child will look more put together than you do 80% of the time.  The other 20% is when they stay home with a sitter.  
12. Just accept that your winged eyeliner will never match and save yourself the time and the aggravation.  
13. Being "trendy" is a lot less practical at this stage in the game, ladies.  Mermaid hair or unicorn hair is always the coveted "anti mom mop-top" goal, but its a lot of maintenance...and lest we forget we haven't shaved our legs in three weeks, let alone remembered to use special shampoos and to only rinse that dye job with cool water.  
14. Shower routine with kids in the house: wash what you can and get out of there before they set the place on fire. 
15. Shower routine with no kids in the house: Spends a whole hour and all of the hot water shaving one's self as smooth as a dolphin and enjoys the simple sound of the water rushing over your face without anyone bursting in to have you fix an Autobot or take a poop while your trying to wash the stink of the day away. 
16. My motto is: contour and beat that face until I look like I did when I slept 8 hours a night and ate better than cold leftover mac'n'cheese. No shame in my makeup game, gals.  
17. If you haven't worn makeup and done your hair in a while and you finally have a night out where you get the opportunity to go ALL OUT...and you end up looking like a contestant on Ru Paul Drag Race...
18. When someone says "you smell nice" and you reply "thanks, I just wiped my hands with a baby wipe." It's anyone guess why you still have friends.  
19. Here's a little truth bomb: I keep a black t-shirt dress, sunglasses and red lip gloss in the car, just in case I need to look "some-what-presentable" at any given time. I can give you 'tired-ass Audrey Hepburn' with those few things in under 5 minutes.  
20. You know you're going out when you adjust your bra straps to pick those puppies up where they belong.  

Bonus: When you're at any makeup counter, beauty supply or cosmetics store and the sales person has a Sally-Jessy Raphael meets Marilyn Manson look going on:

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Co-Parenting and Two Household Living

1. Co-Parentig is just like regular parenting, but we don't drive each other into resentment filled fits of rage every time the other person leaves their dirty socks in the middle of the living room floor or doesn't put a dish in the dishwasher.  We have our kid for that. 
2. Two Household Parenting: there's a good chance you'll need to buy duplicates of everything, or feel the wrath of a four year old who has left his favorite Tsum Tsum under his bed at his Dad's house. 
3. My ex and I are very close and I can only explain it like this: if a person watches you give birth and still can look you in the eye, you're meant to be connected forever, 'cause trust me...that shit ain't pretty to look at.  
4. If you can survive talking about your child's bodily functions on a daily basis with another person, you're co-parenting correctly.  
5. I have to admit that every time my son's father comes in the door looking tired and defeated it makes me feel good.  At least I'm not the only one getting their ass handed to them by a four-year-old.  
6. Co-Parenting either makes other families super impressed or super uncomfortable. Admittedly both reactions are satisfying.
7. Fact: It doesn't matter how prepared or how awesome the other parent's house is...your child will still pack a bag to spend the night like they are packing for an Everest Expedition.  
8. When someone refers to the other parent as your "husband/wife" and you instantly and loudly reply with pride "WE AREN'T MARRIED" like thats some accomplishment or something...and then high five each other and sit back and watch the reactions around you. 
9. "Ask your Mom/Dad..." The thing every kids hears when they want to do a thing we don't want to do...eventually they will break one of you. 
10. Thank goodness for step-moms. You can never have too many people loving and caring for your child.  It's a really special relationship and bond they have.  Also, it's really awesome to have another person to explain why women wear bras after I have explained it 4 million times already.  
11. It truly is a sense of pride and joy for me to see my son with his Dad.  Especially when he is patiently trying to keep said kid calm and entertained and allows the kiddo to climb him like a tree, inadvertently crushing his Dad's manhood on the way up.  
12. When you look around your car and think "I really hope his Dad's car is just as fucked up and disgusting as this one..." and it is.  
13. When our entire family goes to dinner it looks like some sort of polygamist outing and the waiter never knows who to hand the check to.  
14. Each of us has different parenting experiences.  Example: Kiddo flooded his Dad's office somehow, only to tell his Dad hours after the damage was done...a week later at my house, I found that the same kiddo had peed in a random trashcan for some odd reason and failed to mention it until days later when the odor offended him. Awesome, right? This is when swapping stories gets fun.  
15. People often ask how its possible to co-parent with my ex.  I think the answer is just that.  We aren't together.  I don't have to be responsible for a grown man's laundry or be obliged to watch hours of sports that I don't want to watch.  He does what he wants, I do what I want and the goal is to keep the small human alive and happy. Now that I think about it, we are probably the only parents I know with this amount of free time and no drama.  Probably because we both have full and balanced lives.  

Real Talk: In the spirit of being 100, our family is not typical.  We have been through a lot of ups and downs.  It hasn't always been easy to co-parent.  BUT I will say this, the place that we are in now is a "ride or die" feeling.  I know this person has my back, and I have his.  The goal is to stand up and advocate for your child, be open in your communication, and raise a happy and healthy child together.  However that has to happen.  Pride will be swallowed, humility will be found, and appreciation should be the center of your relationship with the other parent.  Trust me when I say that if WE can do it, YOU can do it.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Summer Edition

1. I'm the kind of person that wears all black...then complains about the heat.  
2. Due to my choice of wardrobe I always end up looking more like Morticia Addams then Carol Brady...even at the pool/beach.  
3. It's a scientific fact that it takes children about 6 minutes to get bored after the last day of school let's out.   
4. Summer time means going to the beach and the pool.  Mom's love nothing more than getting sand in every nook and cranny of literally everything they own after a beach trip...well, maybe the idea of swimming in the public toilet, er, I mean, pool is just as thrilling.  
5. Summer Camp means labeling everything your child owns meticulously, buying new camp clothes and shoes, packing the healthiest lunches and slathering them in sunscreen as they walk out the door... only to end up with sunburnt and hungry kids with one of their shoes, someone else's somewhat moldy towel and a half eaten sandwich that you DIDN'T make in the bottom of their bag.   
6. Summer is just Mother Nature's way of reminding you of all of the places on your body that you didn't know were capable of sweating.  
7. To be honest, the only time I remember to reapply our sunblock is when I see some other Mom frantically chasing after her kid to spray him down and I think, "Oh shit, I should probably do that..." 
8. I am not ashamed of my bikini body. However, wearing a skimpy bathing suit while trying to play with your kids at the beach is literally close to impossible to do without exposing parts of myself that I would rather not have sunburnt, let alone have strangers at the beach see while attempting to build a sand castle.  I choose practicality over making a politically correct statement.  
9. Fact: It is very rare to hear a child say they have to use the restroom at a public pool...we all know why.  They are all just basically swimming in pee water for 6 hours while you hope to get them home tired at the end of the day.  That's the type of sacrifices mothers learn to make when raising children.  
10. Summer Vacation in parenting world is more "let me spend money so my kids can go to camp and be someone else's responsibility for a few hours a day." 
11. They should have summer camp for parents.  Sign me up for Spa Camp, Wine Tasting Camp, Nap Camp and Taco Appreciation Camp.  
12. Is it me, or does a day at the beach make you feel like an extra from The Walking Dead for about 48 hours? That shit is exhausting.
13. I went to let the dog out yesterday and I think I heard her say, "oh, F*%# this" as she walked back in the house and sat on the couch.  
14. Summer injuries consist of the following: burning yourself with the first water that comes out of the hose, sunburns on places that haven't seen sun in 8 months, seat belt burns and burning your feet on hot asphalt.  Basically you spend the next three or four months being a human french fry.  
15. Apparently my kid thinks nothing is more awesome than standing over the water jets at the splash pad for what seems to be an inappropriately long and now what has just become an uncomfortable amount of time with a goofy grin on his face while other Moms look at me like I should be stopping him.  Thanks kid. 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 2

Just a little follow up to Volume 1...

1. I don't think I'm using Tinder correctly. I'm told that it has other uses beyond screenshotting hilarious profile pics to send to your friends, but I haven't found that to be true.  
2. You would think that dating a single mom would be more appealing.  Let's face it, we are too busy to be a pain in the ass and we always have snacks in our purse.  
3. Sometimes as I am falling asleep in my bed I think, "Do I really wanna fuck this up? I have it pretty good right now." And then I burst into tears and cry myself to sleep while watching the Golden Girls.  (I would totally be the Dorothy.)
4. When people say "Why are you still single? So many guys would love to date you" the proper response is "No, so many guys are trying to sleep with me...there's a huge difference." 
5. Single Moms in a relationships don't ask for much...movie dates, some tacos and the occasional orgasm...in that order...  
6. I went on one date where a guy made snarky and judgmental statements about my shoes... I almost had to cut a bitch. Instead I left him with the check, snuck out and Ubered home. 
7. My Match.com "matches" looks more like a sex offender registry...I'm not really sure what that says about me. 
8. When it comes to dating, I think I have more feeling for tacos than most of the people who have actually asked me out of the past 4 years.  I'm sticking with tacos. They very rarely disappoint.  
9. When they say no hookups, then send you a wiener pic was soon as you match...?
10. When a man approaches me at a bar to introduce himself I automatically think, "knowing my luck, this guy has been here since noon because he has no job." I'm literally the poster girl for cynicism.  
11. Why do all online dating profiles contain a fish picture, a picture showing nipple, a dirty bathroom mirror pic and a gym mirror selfie? 
12. Nothing is more startling than seeing the profiles of people you know on a dating site...but you know you read that shit and take a few screenshots just for giggles.  
13. When a woman starts talking to someone on a dating site she turns into a better investigator anyone on Law and Order. She can find his Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and SnapChat before he can can reply with a clever gif. 
14. Am I the only one who finds it suspect that so many men over 40 have never been married or had kids? 
15.  I never know what to say when someone asks, "What are you looking for?" right off the bat...the realist in me wants to answer, "ummm...someone to clean out the gutters and take out the trash" but for some reason I don't think thats what they are asking. 
16. When you get a DM that says "What's Up?" is really fun to answer "My Body Mass Index" and see what happens.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Mother's Day Edition

1. My own mother raised two kids in the 80's without preschool, nannies, iPads, or the like and still managed to look put together, go to jazzercise and run the house like a well oiled machine.  I, myself, haven't shaved my legs in three weeks, barely brush my hair, and I'm pretty sure the dishes in the dishwasher have been there waiting to be unloaded for longer than I would like to publicly admit... and lets not even talk about the laundry. 

2. If you feel the need to purchase a gift for Mother's Day please make it useful. I suggest noise canceling headphones or booze. 

3. Breakfast in bed is great in theory, but as a single mother I would just like to be able to eat some damn breakfast while sitting down at an actual table instead of standing over the kitchen sink and consuming whatever is left over from kiddos breakfast like some sort of scavenging wild animal.   

4. Who knew at any point in your life that you would prefer a gift made at preschool out of macaroni or popsicle sticks over diamonds and roses? Or that these little loosely constructed  trash heaps would bring you to tears? 

5. On Mother's Day I am reminded that I don't know shit and that my own mother is a literal walking goddess that amazes me at her ability to get my own child to eat, wear or do just about anything.  Respect. 

6. There should be a universal understanding that Moms shouldn't have to wear bras on Mother's Day.  Shouldn't our boobs get a day off, too?

7. Why don't we have Mother's Weekend? Can we make that a thing? One Sunday out of the whole year doesn't make any sense.  We still have to pack the school lunch, get the homework done, make sure the school clothes are clean and battle with the kids to get into bed at the right time for school on Monday morning? Seems like some conspiracy theory type shit to me.  

8. Nothing is more gratifying than being with one's well-behaved, considerate, vegetable-eating, nice-clothes-wearing, helpful, non-whining and mess-free children...but since we live in reality, maybe a few hours alone on a beach with a drink and a book would be a better way to spend the day.  

9. This should be the one day of the year the you don't have to repeat the words "brush your teeth" or "I asked you to put your shoes on" or "please don't do that" four million times.  Can someone else handle that shit for the day? 

10. Target should have private events for all moms on Mother's Day with free Starbucks macchiatos and babysitting so that we can walk around looking at clothes, makeup and kitchen gadgets for hours without being ordered to buy a new toy or having a tiny human have a public mental break down because they can't have the Pop-Tarts they "need." 

11. Moms want peace and quiet on Mother's Day.  The kind of eerie peace and quiet that would otherwise make one think the zombie apocalypse happened while she was napping on the couch.  

12. Father's Day is directly gaged off of the dopeness of Mother's Day.  Just remember that.    

13. I find myself texting all the dudes in my life to remind them all about Mother's Day and every response is "When is that again?"

14. It's a scientific fact that all food is calorie-free, carb-free, and fat-free on Mother's Day.  

15. If you're going to feed the mother you better clean up the mess too, and do a little dance with a smile on your face while you're at it.  Make it entertaining.  

Happy Mother's Day, Mommas.  I don't care if you birthed a baby, adopted one, are helping to raise one, or just love your own Mom.  This day is about the respect and recognition of all the hard work and commitment we put in to improving the lives of our children.  Keep kicking ass!

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Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Star Wars Celebration Edition

You know you're a part of the best Nerd Herd in the galaxy if you went to Celebration of felt any of these things:

1. You know you've been single for a while if Bobba Fett starts looking like boyfriend material. 

2. That sense of pride you have when your kid is cosplaying Darth Vader and force choking Lando Calrissian.

3. When perfecting "Leia Buns" has never been a more important part of your 'getting ready' routine. 

4. A dudes best pick up line at SWCO 2017 was "Hey girl, what did you think of the trailer?" 

5. When you make eye contact with a 501st and wonder if he's single... despite your penchant for the light side.  

6.  You're biggest decision for the day is which witty Star Wars shirt to wear. 

7. Waiting in line for hours is never something you've had the patience for...unless it's to meet Mark Hamill.  Then you'll wait in line for 12 hours surrounded by people who haven't showered in days because they're part of the "camp out crowd."  

8. You are a total nerd if you've pushed people out of the way to get your pic with a dude dressed as a Wookie. (guilty)

9. After a weekend of Celebration you're planning a whole sleeve of Star Wars themed tattoos despite the fact that you're mother will disown you...it's worth it. 

10. You are now the proud owner of every limited pin, patch, and badge available at the Con and give zero F's you paid that much for anything in your whole life.  

11. You judged every sexy Slave Leia at the con for not being more inventive, but you're also secretly jealous you didn't work on your bikini body sooner.  

12. You've contemplated buying a $400 toy still in the box because...collector's item, duh! 

13. You're kid had to poop in the public bathroom and it took 20 minutes just to remove his full costume (we've discussed this...but my Little Rebel can't poop without being naked and cosplaying just complicated things...)

14. You're jealous of every kid who got to do Jedi Academy...

15. When Jar Jar Binks photobombs you're C3-PO pictures and you're totally cool with that...it's literally the only time you actually didn't want to punch him anyways.  

16. You see other parents with their kids at the Con and nod, like you're all raising the next generation of literally badasses that will carry on the love of the Galaxy Far Far Away...

17. When you've Googled how hard it is to build a remote control R2-D2...

18. You totally spent 4 hours in line for the Celebration store and came away with 6 new friends and one t-shirt that is kinda too small. 

19. You overheard the pregnant lady arguing with her husband about the fact that they "won't be naming this baby Jango."

20. You're sure you're depression won't go away until Disney opens their Star Wars theme park or they announce the next Celebration dates...until then you'll be obsessing over fan sites until Christmas 2018.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Awkward People-ing Edition

1. Since having a child I find is more and more difficult to have a conversation that doesn't involve at least one Disney movie quote, my birth story, school lunches, or poop. All subjects the general public frowns upon during an adult social setting, apparently.    

2. Talking to some of the other parents at school can sometimes feel like I swallowed a spoonful of peanut butter and it gets stuck in the place in your throat that makes you feel like you're having a massive heart attack...you know what I'm talking about.  You know its going to end, but for the mean time it SUCKS and feels like impending death. 

3. Socializing without your kid around can go one of two ways: single vodka or double.  Just depends on how much communication with the outside world you've been getting lately.  

4. My face will turn 6 shades of red before any conversation is completed.  Fact. 

5. When you forget to put your sunglasses down to make all the crazy eye rolls and facial expressions... and you get caught.  (smacks forehead) 

6. When you yell "Seatbelts!" in your Uber or when a non-child-having friend is driving, you know your social skills have erroded to a practically unrecognizable level of uselessness.  

7. Someone once told me not to wear all black so that people would be more open to approaching me...now everything I own is black.  

8. After a night of people-ing I get an interaction hangover that is only cured by isolation, Netflix, and online shopping.  

9. If I and showing up to a social event it's in the "I put a bra on for this" category. Thats pretty important so recognize.   

10. I think its probably the nicest thing that you can do for me is if we run into each other at Target, just pretend you don't see me.  It's my happy place.  Let's not ruin it by interacting.  

11. Socially awkward people aren't snobs, we're just silently trying NOT to say the approximately one million weird comments rushing through our head while you're talking about whatever it is that you're talking about.  

12.  When introverts do end up talking during a social moment you look at us like we Kanye'd all over your Taylor Swift moment... 

13. I am awful at playdates. One exchange went as follows:

Other Mom: Your son is so cute

Me: Thank you, I don't know where he gets it...Probably from the milk man.  

SILENCE...

14. If you didn't fit in during your middle school/ high school years, had weird hair, dressed like Ducky, didn't sit at the cool table, had 3 friends and they were way nerdier than you and you were cool with that or any variation of unpopularity at any point... you can sit by me me and we can stare at our phones in silence and feel good about that.  

15. My son got stage fright at a school performance once and I had to sit on stage with him and I was all like: 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Bathroom Edition

1. How is it possible we spend 75% of parenting most concerned with who is pooping, peeing, where they are pooping or peeing or cleaning said poop and pee...yet, Moms can literally forget to do either for what seems like days?

2. I didn't think it was possible, but I have witnessed my son pee ON an ENTIRE ROLL of toilet paper, without ever removing it from the holder, just to amuse himself.  

3. Theres nothing better for ones confidence than stepping out of the shower and having a tiny person say "I hope I never look like that naked." 

4. Kids give ZERO F*#%S about privacy until its an adult who is requesting said privacy...even in public bathrooms.  

5. Bathroom stalls are for quick pee breaks.  Family bathrooms are for your four and a half year old who insists on taking off all of his clothes and his shoes to take a poop.  

6. Asking a child to "not make a mess" while they are in the bath tub is like asking a pyromaniac to hold your lighter fluid and zippo.  

7. Never squeeze the bath toy thats been unused for a bit, in fact burn it, because if whatever is inside gets out you may need hazmat.  

8. I found out that I could still do the splits the other day...not that I wanted to but I slipped in the tub and now I'm not sure anything about my body will ever be the same again.  

9. I've been thinking about toilet training my terrier.  She seems like she would catch on faster than the kid did, and she probably wouldn't ask me to wipe her ass in the middle of my first cup of coffee.  

10. When you finally have some time alone at home and you go to relax in the tub but you need to first remove 45 tiny animals, a Chewbacca, maybe 1 or 2 naked Barbies, wash the from the tub crayons and glittery bath bomb the kiddos used a few days ago...aaaannnndd now this is just cleaning and not relaxing so you give up.