Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Beauty Edition

1. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." but that doesn't mean I still don't get a little startled when I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear review mirror on the way to drop off... Seriously, who is that woman looking back at me? 
2. Remember when you woke up and "got ready" for the day by doing your hair and putting on makeup and an outfit that you planned right down to the perfect accessories? Remember when you spent hours doing beauty treatments and facials and mani/pedis and even cared about waxing? Remember when you got your hair done more than biannually?
3. I will admit this to all of you right now...I GET BOTOX! Trust me, you don't want to see my real facial expressions anyways.  
4. When it takes more time to apply wrinkle creams and anti-aging treatments at night than it does to put your kid to sleep, you know you're in trouble...
5. I don't think doing things to make yourself feel good about how you look, or what your hair looks like, looking younger and fresher, and feel more confident is being a "bad mom", and when people imply that to me they usually look like hot trash too, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.  
6. I appreciate that fact that the "messy bun" is in style but there's a difference between what Pinterest is talking about and my messy mom hair that hasn't been washed in a week and at one point housed a gummy bear for a whole day without my knowledge.  
7. I call it multi-tasking when I put on a seaweed mask or clay mask and scare the shit out of my son with my "monster makeup"...
8. Back in the day I used to oil up and lounge by the pool until I reached the perfect shade of tan.  Now I look like a bee keeper out there, completely covered up and slathered in SPF 3 million...except on the tops of my feet...I always forget those. 
9. I think a lot of Moms judge each other way too much on this subject.  Either we are too put together to be "super mom" or we look like a pile of shit and are told we "aren't taking care of ourselves properly to be a good mom." F THAT! Do what makes you feel good! Lasers, peels, injections, make-up, weekly blowouts...or nothing at all.  It's up to you and no Mom at the playground should make your vanity or lack-there-of a weapon against you.  (Plus you know that bitch dyes her hair too... Girl, Bye.) 
10. Summertime beauty is basically all about waterproof mascara and trying not to resemble a troll doll.  
11. Its inevitable that your child will look more put together than you do 80% of the time.  The other 20% is when they stay home with a sitter.  
12. Just accept that your winged eyeliner will never match and save yourself the time and the aggravation.  
13. Being "trendy" is a lot less practical at this stage in the game, ladies.  Mermaid hair or unicorn hair is always the coveted "anti mom mop-top" goal, but its a lot of maintenance...and lest we forget we haven't shaved our legs in three weeks, let alone remembered to use special shampoos and to only rinse that dye job with cool water.  
14. Shower routine with kids in the house: wash what you can and get out of there before they set the place on fire. 
15. Shower routine with no kids in the house: Spends a whole hour and all of the hot water shaving one's self as smooth as a dolphin and enjoys the simple sound of the water rushing over your face without anyone bursting in to have you fix an Autobot or take a poop while your trying to wash the stink of the day away. 
16. My motto is: contour and beat that face until I look like I did when I slept 8 hours a night and ate better than cold leftover mac'n'cheese. No shame in my makeup game, gals.  
17. If you haven't worn makeup and done your hair in a while and you finally have a night out where you get the opportunity to go ALL OUT...and you end up looking like a contestant on Ru Paul Drag Race...
18. When someone says "you smell nice" and you reply "thanks, I just wiped my hands with a baby wipe." It's anyone guess why you still have friends.  
19. Here's a little truth bomb: I keep a black t-shirt dress, sunglasses and red lip gloss in the car, just in case I need to look "some-what-presentable" at any given time. I can give you 'tired-ass Audrey Hepburn' with those few things in under 5 minutes.  
20. You know you're going out when you adjust your bra straps to pick those puppies up where they belong.  

Bonus: When you're at any makeup counter, beauty supply or cosmetics store and the sales person has a Sally-Jessy Raphael meets Marilyn Manson look going on:

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Summer Edition

1. I'm the kind of person that wears all black...then complains about the heat.  
2. Due to my choice of wardrobe I always end up looking more like Morticia Addams then Carol Brady...even at the pool/beach.  
3. It's a scientific fact that it takes children about 6 minutes to get bored after the last day of school let's out.   
4. Summer time means going to the beach and the pool.  Mom's love nothing more than getting sand in every nook and cranny of literally everything they own after a beach trip...well, maybe the idea of swimming in the public toilet, er, I mean, pool is just as thrilling.  
5. Summer Camp means labeling everything your child owns meticulously, buying new camp clothes and shoes, packing the healthiest lunches and slathering them in sunscreen as they walk out the door... only to end up with sunburnt and hungry kids with one of their shoes, someone else's somewhat moldy towel and a half eaten sandwich that you DIDN'T make in the bottom of their bag.   
6. Summer is just Mother Nature's way of reminding you of all of the places on your body that you didn't know were capable of sweating.  
7. To be honest, the only time I remember to reapply our sunblock is when I see some other Mom frantically chasing after her kid to spray him down and I think, "Oh shit, I should probably do that..." 
8. I am not ashamed of my bikini body. However, wearing a skimpy bathing suit while trying to play with your kids at the beach is literally close to impossible to do without exposing parts of myself that I would rather not have sunburnt, let alone have strangers at the beach see while attempting to build a sand castle.  I choose practicality over making a politically correct statement.  
9. Fact: It is very rare to hear a child say they have to use the restroom at a public pool...we all know why.  They are all just basically swimming in pee water for 6 hours while you hope to get them home tired at the end of the day.  That's the type of sacrifices mothers learn to make when raising children.  
10. Summer Vacation in parenting world is more "let me spend money so my kids can go to camp and be someone else's responsibility for a few hours a day." 
11. They should have summer camp for parents.  Sign me up for Spa Camp, Wine Tasting Camp, Nap Camp and Taco Appreciation Camp.  
12. Is it me, or does a day at the beach make you feel like an extra from The Walking Dead for about 48 hours? That shit is exhausting.
13. I went to let the dog out yesterday and I think I heard her say, "oh, F*%# this" as she walked back in the house and sat on the couch.  
14. Summer injuries consist of the following: burning yourself with the first water that comes out of the hose, sunburns on places that haven't seen sun in 8 months, seat belt burns and burning your feet on hot asphalt.  Basically you spend the next three or four months being a human french fry.  
15. Apparently my kid thinks nothing is more awesome than standing over the water jets at the splash pad for what seems to be an inappropriately long and now what has just become an uncomfortable amount of time with a goofy grin on his face while other Moms look at me like I should be stopping him.  Thanks kid. 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 1

Ugh.  So, as we all know, I am very single.  Well, I decided that 2017 is the year I try to be less single.  I'm not really interested in jumping into anything super serious, but maybe it would be good for me to try and give this dating thing a try.  We're one month in to this journey and its basically a disaster. 

1. How do people actually meet each other now? No, seriously...HOW??? I have heard bizarre stories like, "we met at Whole Foods" or "we met at the gym." These are the two legit LEAST likely places for me to ever meet anyone! Pretty sure I'm so distracted by reading labels to make sure my four year old ingests the least amount of GMOs that I wouldn't notice a good looking man in the grocery store.  And the gym? Really? Thats where I go to forget about men and focus on myself! 
2.  What ever happened to friends setting friends up on blind dates? Oh, yeah...that's right, I forgot that all of my friends have either been married for ions or are way more single and desperate than I am, so they have no decent dating pool options.  
3.  Meeting someone in a bar? Not an option.  It hasn't worked in the past, why would I think it would work now? 
4. Dating websites/apps, you say? Ok.  Well I have tried this route and it's a nightmare.  Why are they all holding fish or some other animal they have killed? Do women dig that? I have no clue.  
5. Why can't anyone take a decent selfie? It's 2017! Its basically the only form of portraiture at this point.  Do they ever clean the bathroom mirror, I mean, do that before you take a bathroom selfie...please.  And what is it with just the pic of your nipple? Thats just SO strange.  
6. Statistically speaking there must be a pretty large part of the population that is divorced (me) and a parent (also me) so why is every man in my 25 mile radius "never-been-married-no-kids-cats-only" guy? I really am hoping to date people that have had some life experience.  How am I supposed to relate to someone who has no responsibility outside of work and a cat litter box? 
7. Have you ever seen couples and think to yourself, "Those two weirdos found each other...so why am I still single?"
8.  Why do single men with no children think that I'm looking for a father for my kid? I'm NOT! Thats utterly ridiculous.  My son has a great father, and we're friends.  The assumption I need a man for the "positive male role model" is presumptuous and insulting, at best.  
9. I have come to realize after 4 years of being single (by choice, thank you very much) that I am independent to a fault.  Its kind of my biggest flaw.  I should work on that.  
10. Can't I just date John Cusack? Is he available? 
11. I would be the perfect girlfriend.  I'm busy, so I wouldn't be needy.  I'm also not likely to waste someone's time.  Being a Mom has taught me to just be honest.  No BS.  No games. No assumptions.  I mean, can't we just see a movie once in awhile? Maybe some dinner and a glass of wine? I'm looking for someone to make fun of these dating apps with.  
12. When someone messages you and say "hey beautiful, what are you looking for?" it makes me want to respond with "someone to clean out the car and fold the laundry..." 
13.  Why do all men assume that "fit/active" means skinny? I gave birth to a human, run, go to the gym to lift, and eat a very healthy diet...I AM NOT SKINNY...nor do I really want to be.  
14. Raising a son means I have seen my share of penis by 8 am, so why would a man think I would want a "dick pic" sent to me while I am cruising Target for some new flannel pajamas?! UMMM, NO.  
15. When I think about going on an actual date I think about having to wear spanks and do my hair and I start to realize being single might not be that bad after all...

Funny Observations From My Life as A Single Mom: The Disney Edition

1. I used to think that being a single parent and taking my kid anywhere was difficult...until I witnessed these couples with children at Disney.  Mom is carrying everything but the kitchen sink, including an infant.  Dad is trying to navigate a double stroller thru crowds...both arguing over where to go next and when to head to their lunch reservations.  Disney should offer couples counseling in their vacation packages.

2. Strollers are the tools of Satan.  No one can navigate one without being a total pain in the ass to themselves or everyone else around them.  It's impossible.

3. Why are you still walking around Disney with the kids asleep in the stroller? Give up and go grab a drink! Disney now offers alcohol at certain locations for overstressed parents and busses for transportation.  If your kid is taking a nap and you're wondering aimlessly trying to seek refuge from the relentlessly insipid background music digging it's way into your subconscious...please, do yourself a favor and find a place to sit and sip a cocktail or a coffee and relax for a few before the kiddos wake up and demand Mickey Mouse shaped junk food on a stick.

4. My son won't poop in public bathrooms, nor will he poop with clothes on (don't ask...I have no clue where this behavior came from...and we just kinda deal with it at this point.) He HAS to be naked to poop.  Well, at Disney he had to go.  The conversation with both of us in the stall went something like:

Me: No, I can't take your clothes off, we're in a public bathroom.

B: But I can't POOP with clothes on!! (He is very loud and VERY serious about this)

Me: Just try.

B: (tears streaming down his face) Stop looking at me! Take my shoes off! I cant poop like this!

Me: I will compromise and take your shirt off.

B: Ok, I'll try but I can't promise I can poop with you in here. I need privacy.

Me: I can't leave you alone and shirtless in a public Disney bathroom so I'll turn around and won't watch.

::15 minutes later:: B: Ok, I'm done.  I'm never pooping like this in public again.

Me: Trust me, I don't think either one of us want to go through this ever again. (Entire Ladies Room erupts in laughter)

5. This Hippo expresses how I feel after eating anything at Disney:  

6. I'm not sure "happiest place on Earth" is as appropriate as "parts of this is gonna suck, but eventually something super cute will happen (most likely when your phone or camera is in the bottom of your purse) and it will make it worth it."

7. If you're taking a bigger kid (say 4 year old, like my son) you probably want to make them walk.  I mean, tell me why you wouldn't want your kid to be tired at bedtime? I'm never really sure what the motivation is the have a 10 year old in a stroller other than to drive yourself completely bonkers.

8. I took my son on the Dinosaur Ride at Animal Kingdom.  It was terrifying and at one point I looked down at my son and he had his eye closed and he looked asleep. I asked him if he was OK he replied "No!" When the ride was done and we were exiting he yelled "F***! That was scary!" (Other parents either scowled or laughed...it was a 50/50 response to a 4 year old dropping the F Bomb.)

9. It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid it, your child will eventually put their mouth on something gross (like a window or a handrail or...a wall) while waiting in line.  Or even better, drop something on the ground and then proceed to pick it up and EAT it.

10. When I asked my son what his favorite part of this Disney staycation was he answered with "Seeing a giraffe take a poop, riding the buses, and running around the hotel hallways." So...that just goes to show you it's not all about spending time and money trying to experience every ride and attraction, it's about memories.

20 Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The End Of 2016 Edition

1. 2016 has successfully killed off all of my childhood heroes.  Bowie, Prince, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), Debbie Reynolds, Mrs. Brady (Florence Henderson), Patty Duke,  George Michael, Abe Vagoda, Doris Roberts, Gene Wilder, Gary Shandling, Muhammad Ali, The Half-Blood Prince (Alan Rickman), Lemmy and Vanity..so somebody better keep an eye on Betty White, Mark Hamill, Madonna, and Harrison Ford damnit...or I will spiral into a stress-eating depression like never before.   2. I feel like the biggest accomplishment this year is that my now fully potty trained kid no longer pisses all over me while co-sleeping in the family bed.  The dog is happy about that too.

3. This year brought us a lot of attitude changes.  Example: "Darth, Don't be a dick..." is often heard coming from the playroom.

4. Upon switching school this school year it has become apparent to me that all preschools struggle with the same problems: some parents are assholes, we say "no" to pretty much all birthday parties, and all kids share their bad habits with one another (i,e. My son's new-found bullshit attitude toward pretty much everything at the most inconvenient times.)

5. You know you're a parent of a small child when NYE plans consist of DVRing the ball-dropping and hoping you all fall asleep by 9pm.

6. New pajamas are the most exciting wardrobe additions of 2016.

7. I haven't seen Rogue One yet because I feel guilty that I can't take my kid.

8. Over the last year I have logged countless hours of sweat therapy either running or lift weights so that I can eat like a 4-year-old whenever the F I want!

9. During the holidays we can all use Santa as a way to get our kids to behave...but as soon as Christmas is over they act like they've never heard of his fat ass before and carry on acting like complete crazed animals.

10. One of these days I will actually read the September issue of my favorite magazine.

11. Watching my son play his first organized sport this year reminded me less of Olympic dream filled memories of other parent's childhood and more like the failures of my own childhood athletic career:

12. Not sure what's remember the day that your kid wiped his own ass and you were legit soooo proud...yeah, me neither.

13. When your 4 year old tells your conservative family member "Donald Trump is a bad guy" with no coaching from you and you're just relieved his didn't call him a "dick."

14. 75% of my year was spent telling my kid to "put some pants on..."

15. I would consider myself an expert at terrifying my son into behaving better. Example: Don't play with that...it's glass and if it broke your guts and blood would spill everywhere and you would have to go to the hospital.  (The look on his face is always priceless.)

16. The package always says "bakes 12 chocolate chips cookies" but you only bake 6 because you ate half of the cookie dough.

17. School break is basically torture for your whole family...we should protest that shit in the streets.

18. The pastor gave my son a blessing at Christmas service...my son asked me if that meant he was good enough to leave early.

19. When planning any outing one must anticipate the following: No Restroom automatically means your child will have to poop.  No food automatically means your child will act like a starving hyena.

20.  The best part about starting a new year is knowing that you survived the last one...

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Volume Four

1. Thanks to Daylight Saving Time every parent I know is legitimately cursing our children's circadian rhythms and biological responses to light and dark throughout our country...at least that's the most unified message I've seen in a long time. 2. We wasted not ONE but TWO rolls of toilet paper this week because B decided to urinate directly ON TO the ENTIRE ROLL.  What in the actual F%&$? How? And more importantly, WHY? He had no response to those questions.

3.  There is no longer a transition from fall to winter.  Christmas showed up right after Labor Day.  The other day my son wanted to wear a Santa hat in a swimming pool.

4. My son calls the Care Bear with the rainbow on its tummy "Pride Bear." I don't correct him. I think it's cute.

5. Children balance life on a sliding scale from sweet, sleeping kitten to Negan...

6.  I am not sure what the hell people are talking about when they say "terrible twos"...ages three and four are the worst.  I feel like I'm living with a tiny used car salesman with menopausal mood swings.

7. It's totally OK to look back on your day and feel accomplished if your child had three kinds of snack foods and a smoothie as a "balanced dinner" and went to bed without a bath or shower, but was throughly wiped down with a baby wipe in all the right places...

8. Pick your battles: arguing with a three-year-old is better than discussing politics at this point in time.

9. Parenting Tip: If your newly potty trained children say they wiped their own butt...don't believe them and do it again anyways...trust me. Your couch will thank you.

10. The last time my car was clean or didn't smell weird was the day I drove it off the lot.

11. I daydream of someone rushing up to my door step and proclaiming "It's Treat Yo Self Day!"...That NEVER happens.

12. It is very difficult to say no with a straight face when your almost four-year-old suggests dressing like a turkey and telling people "EAT ME" for Thanksgiving.

13. My son is super into crafting lately...he brought me an unused tampon and asked if I could glue it to his "creation." Apparently everything can be used for art.

14. "No, you may not play outside until you have clothes on.  The neighbors don't want to see your penis" is a sentence I say probably 4 times a day...everyday.

15. The only time its quiet at my house is when everyone is sleeping or when little man is taking a poop and watching Peppa Pig simultaneously.

16. Never trust that bath toys can't be rigged to create a fountain and spray water all over your bathroom.

17. I was legit excited when my son fell asleep and I could watch Finding Dory in peace.

18. One would think that I would go out and enjoy myself when kiddo goes to Dad's house. The first thing I do when I have alone time is some sort of beautification ritual...cause, you know, gotta look good before I fall asleep on the couch watching Westworld and eating ice cream.

19. Nothing says love like taking a punch to the boob or a kick to the crotch and not overreacting or killing someone.

20. After waking my son up from his nap and walking him out of the school the other day he proclaimed with pride "my penis is all big" in front of a room full of school administrators.  Everyone looked like a deer in headlights, including me.

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Volume Three

1. Listening to the recent Presidential Debate reminded me of conversations with my own "threenager." He talks over me, throws a tantrum at the first sign of my opposition, creates irrational explanations and flat-out lies to get what he wants...sound familiar? All kiddo is missing is an orange spray tan and a comb-over. 2.  Having a child exacerbates all of my insecurities.  I'm much more introverted than one would think.  At any point in time your child can draw attention to you.  It's a legit nightmare.

3. A few days ago I caught my son in the bathroom "washing" his Batman in the toilet.  He said it was because it was a "Batman sized bathtub." Gross.

4. I have come to realize that I plan special outings not based solely on whether or not Boo will have fun or not (that's a given) but on whether or not it will make him tired enough to go to bed early. Is that terrible?

5. I absolutely hate Boo's soccer games.  Its hot, he doesn't want to play.  It dawned on us that he didn't realize that in a game its ok to take the ball away from the opposing team...that's the whole point of the game.  So we told him that he could...instead he immediately went over and pushed some random kid on the soccer field and looked at us with a great big smile on his face... PARENT FAIL 3,259...oops.

6. I will make up any excuse and have even made up errands that needed to be run just to avoid getting out the Playdoh...because I have a brand new rug.  Now, that's horrible.

7. My son asked me if he would ever get a brother or a sister...I told him to ask his Dad for that.

8. I saw a lady pushing triplet infants in a stroller and thought, "When they turn 3, she's F*&#ed."

9. While wearing workout clothes my son told me he could see my "bah-geen-ah" (which is what he calls a vagina)...I immediately ran to check and see if I had cameltoe.  Like I said, kids heighten every insecurity you have times a million.

10. While reading a magazine at the checkout counter the other day I realized that my body type has literally gone out of style.  "Butts are 'in' and 'boobs' are out." WTF? Really? What are they trying to do to women? Don't we have enough to worry about? How does an entire body shape that is dictated by genetics, miles logged on a treadmill and the amount of Oreos I may or may not have eaten simply go "out of style?" F that!

Funny Observations from My Life as a Single Mom: Volume 2

1. In the last two years I have not taken a shower without simultaneously repairing a toy in the process.  Example: just a few weeks ago I was in the shower and my son lugged in the entire Hot Wheels racetrack for me to "fix" while I had shampoo running into my eyes and one leg in mid-shave....and to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I actually finished shaving the leg but the toy was "fixed." 2. I have recently asked an entire car load of adults if they have all gone "pee-pee" before we left an establishment.

3. I loath soccer games for my son.  It's 100 degrees in the shade, my son is melting down every 7 minutes, by the time they start playing he's had a gallon of water to drink and has to pee, the uniform gave him a heat rash, and by the time it's all done I need a strong mimosa and a nap.

4. I recently discovered I own an overwhelming number of cups for my son...he uses two.  These are legitimately the only two cups on the face of the earth that will do.  Any mention of the other cups or suggestion to use the other cups creates mass hysteria...I avoid that drama at all cost.

5. I Pinterest a lot of hairstyles that I will never: 1) have the skill to accomplish or 2) have time to accomplish.  #mombun

6. My son was in the bath the other day and I glanced over and saw him reaching for a small, brown, floating object. I went into panic mode. "No! Don't touch that! Is that a Poop?!?!".....it was a toy otter.  He rolled his eyes at me.  I almost stroked out, and let me just say, I threw the otter toy away.  I'm too old for that kind of anxiety.

7. My current clothing size ranges somewhere between "I can't eat the rest of the day if I wear this" and "I'll have a third taco, please...no one will ever know."

8. The back seat of my car consists of: 3 empty sippy cups, 2 pairs of kid sized shoes, 3 socks (don't ask where the fourth is...I have no idea), 2 batmen, and a dozen used boogie wipes.

9. The other day I accidentally dozed off, only to be awoken by a nerf "bullet" straight to the boob.

10. I'm getting my hair done this week...Its the most exciting thing to happen to me since the last season of Game Of Thrones.

Funny Observations from My Life as A Single Mom: Valuim...err...Volume 1

1.  I have two towels.  My kid has 45 adorable hooded towels with characters on them and I literally just think they're the cutest thing ever...but I only have two (seriously) towels that I have to wash every other day.  And when I go to buy myself some more towels, I just end up with more for my kid.  Ridiculous.

2.  I have full conversations with my dog when my son is in preschool.  I have even accidentally yelled at her and called her by my son's name when she knocked over a plant the other day.  Let's call that force of habit.

3. I was legit excited to hear there was a new Paw Patrol character coming out.  No wonder I can't get a date.

4. In my spare time I like to take long leisurely strolls down the makeup isle at Target...like I ever wear a full face of makeup anymore...but a girl can dream, right?

5. My favorite compliment is when someone at Crate and Barrel says, "well he's pretty well-behaved" as he's pretend light saber battling with BBQ tongs.  Trust me, lady, it could get worse.  I'll take this as a win.

6. I laugh hysterically when my 3.5 year old can manage to wait until the entire room falls silent and yells at the top of his lungs "we don't say stupid or fuck, right mom? We don't say that cause it's bad, right?  We don't say STUPID or FUCK."

7.  This meme is soooooo accurate:

8.  I have three looks these days: school drop off (also doubles as gym-look...thanks altheti-leisure trend), going out (it's the same black dress and adidas sneaks because I don't really go anywhere high-heel worthy anymore), and pajamas...this is my favorite because it's the only bra-free option.

9. I can leave the grocery store after an hour and a half with a back seat full of healthy and delicious options for my kid to eat, each painstakingly researched, labels read and kid approved...and have nothing to eat for myself...like nothing.  Except wine.

10.  I have woken up WAY early to catch up on all of my TV shows because it's better than a tattle-tailing toddler repeatedly reminding me that "we don't say 'stupid' or 'fuck', right Mom?"

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