Funny Observations From My Life as A Single Mom: The Disney Edition

1. I used to think that being a single parent and taking my kid anywhere was difficult...until I witnessed these couples with children at Disney.  Mom is carrying everything but the kitchen sink, including an infant.  Dad is trying to navigate a double stroller thru crowds...both arguing over where to go next and when to head to their lunch reservations.  Disney should offer couples counseling in their vacation packages.

2. Strollers are the tools of Satan.  No one can navigate one without being a total pain in the ass to themselves or everyone else around them.  It's impossible.

3. Why are you still walking around Disney with the kids asleep in the stroller? Give up and go grab a drink! Disney now offers alcohol at certain locations for overstressed parents and busses for transportation.  If your kid is taking a nap and you're wondering aimlessly trying to seek refuge from the relentlessly insipid background music digging it's way into your subconscious...please, do yourself a favor and find a place to sit and sip a cocktail or a coffee and relax for a few before the kiddos wake up and demand Mickey Mouse shaped junk food on a stick.

4. My son won't poop in public bathrooms, nor will he poop with clothes on (don't ask...I have no clue where this behavior came from...and we just kinda deal with it at this point.) He HAS to be naked to poop.  Well, at Disney he had to go.  The conversation with both of us in the stall went something like:

Me: No, I can't take your clothes off, we're in a public bathroom.

B: But I can't POOP with clothes on!! (He is very loud and VERY serious about this)

Me: Just try.

B: (tears streaming down his face) Stop looking at me! Take my shoes off! I cant poop like this!

Me: I will compromise and take your shirt off.

B: Ok, I'll try but I can't promise I can poop with you in here. I need privacy.

Me: I can't leave you alone and shirtless in a public Disney bathroom so I'll turn around and won't watch.

::15 minutes later:: B: Ok, I'm done.  I'm never pooping like this in public again.

Me: Trust me, I don't think either one of us want to go through this ever again. (Entire Ladies Room erupts in laughter)

5. This Hippo expresses how I feel after eating anything at Disney:  

6. I'm not sure "happiest place on Earth" is as appropriate as "parts of this is gonna suck, but eventually something super cute will happen (most likely when your phone or camera is in the bottom of your purse) and it will make it worth it."

7. If you're taking a bigger kid (say 4 year old, like my son) you probably want to make them walk.  I mean, tell me why you wouldn't want your kid to be tired at bedtime? I'm never really sure what the motivation is the have a 10 year old in a stroller other than to drive yourself completely bonkers.

8. I took my son on the Dinosaur Ride at Animal Kingdom.  It was terrifying and at one point I looked down at my son and he had his eye closed and he looked asleep. I asked him if he was OK he replied "No!" When the ride was done and we were exiting he yelled "F***! That was scary!" (Other parents either scowled or laughed...it was a 50/50 response to a 4 year old dropping the F Bomb.)

9. It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid it, your child will eventually put their mouth on something gross (like a window or a handrail or...a wall) while waiting in line.  Or even better, drop something on the ground and then proceed to pick it up and EAT it.

10. When I asked my son what his favorite part of this Disney staycation was he answered with "Seeing a giraffe take a poop, riding the buses, and running around the hotel hallways." So...that just goes to show you it's not all about spending time and money trying to experience every ride and attraction, it's about memories.

Funny Observations from My Life as a Single Mom: Volume 2

1. In the last two years I have not taken a shower without simultaneously repairing a toy in the process.  Example: just a few weeks ago I was in the shower and my son lugged in the entire Hot Wheels racetrack for me to "fix" while I had shampoo running into my eyes and one leg in mid-shave....and to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I actually finished shaving the leg but the toy was "fixed." 2. I have recently asked an entire car load of adults if they have all gone "pee-pee" before we left an establishment.

3. I loath soccer games for my son.  It's 100 degrees in the shade, my son is melting down every 7 minutes, by the time they start playing he's had a gallon of water to drink and has to pee, the uniform gave him a heat rash, and by the time it's all done I need a strong mimosa and a nap.

4. I recently discovered I own an overwhelming number of cups for my son...he uses two.  These are legitimately the only two cups on the face of the earth that will do.  Any mention of the other cups or suggestion to use the other cups creates mass hysteria...I avoid that drama at all cost.

5. I Pinterest a lot of hairstyles that I will never: 1) have the skill to accomplish or 2) have time to accomplish.  #mombun

6. My son was in the bath the other day and I glanced over and saw him reaching for a small, brown, floating object. I went into panic mode. "No! Don't touch that! Is that a Poop?!?!".....it was a toy otter.  He rolled his eyes at me.  I almost stroked out, and let me just say, I threw the otter toy away.  I'm too old for that kind of anxiety.

7. My current clothing size ranges somewhere between "I can't eat the rest of the day if I wear this" and "I'll have a third taco, please...no one will ever know."

8. The back seat of my car consists of: 3 empty sippy cups, 2 pairs of kid sized shoes, 3 socks (don't ask where the fourth is...I have no idea), 2 batmen, and a dozen used boogie wipes.

9. The other day I accidentally dozed off, only to be awoken by a nerf "bullet" straight to the boob.

10. I'm getting my hair done this week...Its the most exciting thing to happen to me since the last season of Game Of Thrones.

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