Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Verbal Blunders Vol. 1

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1. While diligently working on a project for Parent Night at school, teacher asked my son "What is your favorite food?"  Kid's response, "a Crappy Meal...That's what my parents call McDonald's." Needless to say the teacher had a great time telling us this story during Parent Night.  Disclaimer: don't get your underpants in a bind... we use fast food as a treat on very rare occasions and it isn't part of his regular diet, but what kid doesn't love a shitty little toy in that goofy ass box? 

2. When we go over train tracks or a big bump in the road my son will often yell out "That scares my penis!"  I literally have no clue what this means, as I do not have a penis, but I imagine said body part being 'scared' is a not good thing...Amiright?

3. As I was standing in the shower the other day trying to get my head together and my son came in and said "nice perky boobies, Mom"... WTF? Note to self: shower at midnight when he's asleep...

4. Me: Come eat your dinner!  Son: I hope it doesn't taste like poop again. Me: (dead silence and face on floor)

5. I overheard my son tell Darth Vader "not to be a dick" one time and it took everything I had to keep it together.  I laughed so hard that tears soaked my face.  

6. This also reminds me of the Thanksgiving when my son called Donald Trump a "Dick" to my very ultra conservative family member and all I could do is shrug and say "he's not wrong." Needless to say, it made for great holiday awkwardness.

7. I asked my son to please not touch the toilet seat when in a public bathroom and he exclaimed, "Are girls THAT DIRTY when they pee?!" Roars of laughter are heard from the surrounding stalls...

8. Son: Did you get me a surprise for being so good? Me: No, but you should be proud of yourself. Son: I'd rather be proud of you for buying me a new Pokemon.  Me: (smacks forehead)

9. While getting my sons bathtub ready and he walks in and says, "I'm gonna need a bath bomb in there, it's been a long day..." I feel ya, bro.  

10. So, I finally go the first call from the principal.  Apparently a teacher asked the kids, "What is an F word?" (The letter of the week is Letter F)  My son retorts with "FUCK, but my Mom says I shouldn't say it. It's a grown up word." Technically he was correct and therefor, couldn't be punished.  Honestly, I was pretty proud.

 

 

 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Beauty Edition

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  1. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." but that doesn't mean I still don't get a little startled when I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear review mirror on the way to drop off... Seriously, who is that woman looking back at me? 
  2. Remember when you woke up and "got ready" for the day by doing your hair and putting on makeup and an outfit that you planned right down to the perfect accessories? Remember when you spent hours doing beauty treatments and facials and mani/pedis and even cared about waxing? Remember when you got your hair done more than biannually?
  3. I will admit this to all of you right now...I GET BOTOX! Trust me, you don't want to see my real facial expressions anyways.  
  4. When it takes more time to apply wrinkle creams and anti-aging treatments at night than it does to put your kid to sleep, you know you're in trouble...
  5. I don't think doing things to make yourself feel good about how you look, or what your hair looks like, looking younger and fresher, and feel more confident is being a "bad mom", and when people imply that to me they usually look like hot trash too, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.  
  6. I appreciate that fact that the "messy bun" is in style but there's a difference between what Pinterest is talking about and my messy mom hair that hasn't been washed in a week and at one point housed a gummy bear for a whole day without my knowledge.  
  7. I call it multi-tasking when I put on a seaweed mask or clay mask and scare the shit out of my son with my "monster makeup"...
  8. Back in the day I used to oil up and lounge by the pool until I reached the perfect shade of tan.  Now I look like a bee keeper out there, completely covered up and slathered in SPF 3 million...except on the tops of my feet...I always forget those. 
  9. I think a lot of Moms judge each other way too much on this subject.  Either we are too put together to be "super mom" or we look like a pile of shit and are told we "aren't taking care of ourselves properly to be a good mom." F THAT! Do what makes you feel good! Lasers, peels, injections, make-up, weekly blowouts...or nothing at all.  It's up to you and no Mom at the playground should make your vanity or lack-there-of a weapon against you.  (Plus you know that bitch dyes her hair too... Girl, Bye.) 
  10. Summertime beauty is basically all about waterproof mascara and trying not to resemble a troll doll.  
  11. Its inevitable that your child will look more put together than you do 80% of the time.  The other 20% is when they stay home with a sitter.  
  12. Just accept that your winged eyeliner will never match and save yourself the time and the aggravation.  
  13. Being "trendy" is a lot less practical at this stage in the game, ladies.  Mermaid hair or unicorn hair is always the coveted "anti mom mop-top" goal, but its a lot of maintenance...and lest we forget we haven't shaved our legs in three weeks, let alone remembered to use special shampoos and to only rinse that dye job with cool water.  
  14. Shower routine with kids in the house: wash what you can and get out of there before they set the place on fire. 
  15. Shower routine with no kids in the house: Spends a whole hour and all of the hot water shaving one's self as smooth as a dolphin and enjoys the simple sound of the water rushing over your face without anyone bursting in to have you fix an Autobot or take a poop while your trying to wash the stink of the day away. 
  16. My motto is: contour and beat that face until I look like I did when I slept 8 hours a night and ate better than cold leftover mac'n'cheese. No shame in my makeup game, gals.  
  17. If you haven't worn makeup and done your hair in a while and you finally have a night out where you get the opportunity to go ALL OUT...and you end up looking like a contestant on Ru Paul Drag Race...
  18. When someone says "you smell nice" and you reply "thanks, I just wiped my hands with a baby wipe." It's anyone guess why you still have friends.  
  19. Here's a little truth bomb: I keep a black t-shirt dress, sunglasses and red lip gloss in the car, just in case I need to look "some-what-presentable" at any given time. I can give you 'tired-ass Audrey Hepburn' with those few things in under 5 minutes.  
  20. You know you're going out when you adjust your bra straps to pick those puppies up where they belong.  

Bonus: When you're at any makeup counter, beauty supply or cosmetics store and the sales person has a Sally-Jessy Raphael meets Marilyn Manson look going on:

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Summer Edition

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  1. I'm the kind of person that wears all black...then complains about the heat.  
  2. Due to my choice of wardrobe I always end up looking more like Morticia Addams then Carol Brady...even at the pool/beach.  
  3. It's a scientific fact that it takes children about 6 minutes to get bored after the last day of school let's out.   
  4. Summer time means going to the beach and the pool.  Mom's love nothing more than getting sand in every nook and cranny of literally everything they own after a beach trip...well, maybe the idea of swimming in the public toilet, er, I mean, pool is just as thrilling.  
  5. Summer Camp means labeling everything your child owns meticulously, buying new camp clothes and shoes, packing the healthiest lunches and slathering them in sunscreen as they walk out the door... only to end up with sunburnt and hungry kids with one of their shoes, someone else's somewhat moldy towel and a half eaten sandwich that you DIDN'T make in the bottom of their bag.   
  6. Summer is just Mother Nature's way of reminding you of all of the places on your body that you didn't know were capable of sweating.  
  7. To be honest, the only time I remember to reapply our sunblock is when I see some other Mom frantically chasing after her kid to spray him down and I think, "Oh shit, I should probably do that..." 
  8. I am not ashamed of my bikini body. However, wearing a skimpy bathing suit while trying to play with your kids at the beach is literally close to impossible to do without exposing parts of myself that I would rather not have sunburnt, let alone have strangers at the beach see while attempting to build a sand castle.  I choose practicality over making a politically correct statement.  
  9. Fact: It is very rare to hear a child say they have to use the restroom at a public pool...we all know why.  They are all just basically swimming in pee water for 6 hours while you hope to get them home tired at the end of the day.  That's the type of sacrifices mothers learn to make when raising children.  
  10. Summer Vacation in parenting world is more "let me spend money so my kids can go to camp and be someone else's responsibility for a few hours a day." 
  11. They should have summer camp for parents.  Sign me up for Spa Camp, Wine Tasting Camp, Nap Camp and Taco Appreciation Camp.  
  12. Is it me, or does a day at the beach make you feel like an extra from The Walking Dead for about 48 hours? That shit is exhausting.
  13. I went to let the dog out yesterday and I think I heard her say, "oh, F*%# this" as she walked back in the house and sat on the couch.  
  14. Summer injuries consist of the following: burning yourself with the first water that comes out of the hose, sunburns on places that haven't seen sun in 8 months, seat belt burns and burning your feet on hot asphalt.  Basically you spend the next three or four months being a human french fry.  
  15. Apparently my kid thinks nothing is more awesome than standing over the water jets at the splash pad for what seems to be an inappropriately long and now what has just become an uncomfortable amount of time with a goofy grin on his face while other Moms look at me like I should be stopping him.  Thanks kid. 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 2

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Just a little follow up to Volume 1...

  1. I don't think I'm using Tinder correctly. I'm told that it has other uses beyond screenshotting hilarious profile pics to send to your friends, but I haven't found that to be true.  
  2. You would think that dating a single mom would be more appealing.  Let's face it, we are too busy to be a pain in the ass and we always have snacks in our purse.  
  3. Sometimes as I am falling asleep in my bed I think, "Do I really wanna fuck this up? I have it pretty good right now." And then I burst into tears and cry myself to sleep while watching the Golden Girls.  (I would totally be the Dorothy.)
  4. When people say "Why are you still single? So many guys would love to date you" the proper response is "No, so many guys are trying to sleep with me...there's a huge difference." 
  5. Single Moms in a relationships don't ask for much...movie dates, some tacos and the occasional orgasm...in that order...  
  6. I went on one date where a guy made snarky and judgmental statements about my shoes... I almost had to cut a bitch. Instead I left him with the check, snuck out and Ubered home. 
  7. My Match.com "matches" looks more like a sex offender registry...I'm not really sure what that says about me. 
  8. When it comes to dating, I think I have more feeling for tacos than most of the people who have actually asked me out of the past 4 years.  I'm sticking with tacos. They very rarely disappoint.  
  9. When they say no hookups, then send you a wiener pic was soon as you match...?
  10. When a man approaches me at a bar to introduce himself I automatically think, "knowing my luck, this guy has been here since noon because he has no job." I'm literally the poster girl for cynicism.  
  11. Why do all online dating profiles contain a fish picture, a picture showing nipple, a dirty bathroom mirror pic and a gym mirror selfie? 
  12. Nothing is more startling than seeing the profiles of people you know on a dating site...but you know you read that shit and take a few screenshots just for giggles.  
  13. When a woman starts talking to someone on a dating site she turns into a better investigator anyone on Law and Order. She can find his Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and SnapChat before he can can reply with a clever gif. 
  14. Am I the only one who finds it suspect that so many men over 40 have never been married or had kids? 
  15.  I never know what to say when someone asks, "What are you looking for?" right off the bat...the realist in me wants to answer, "ummm...someone to clean out the gutters and take out the trash" but for some reason I don't think thats what they are asking. 
  16. When you get a DM that says "What's Up?" is really fun to answer "My Body Mass Index" and see what happens.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Star Wars Celebration Edition

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You know you're a part of the best Nerd Herd in the galaxy if you went to Celebration of felt any of these things:

1. You know you've been single for a while if Bobba Fett starts looking like boyfriend material. 

2. That sense of pride you have when your kid is cosplaying Darth Vader and force choking Lando Calrissian.

3. When perfecting "Leia Buns" has never been a more important part of your 'getting ready' routine. 

4. A dudes best pick up line at SWCO 2017 was "Hey girl, what did you think of the trailer?" 

5. When you make eye contact with a 501st and wonder if he's single... despite your penchant for the light side.  

6.  You're biggest decision for the day is which witty Star Wars shirt to wear. 

7. Waiting in line for hours is never something you've had the patience for...unless it's to meet Mark Hamill.  Then you'll wait in line for 12 hours surrounded by people who haven't showered in days because they're part of the "camp out crowd."  

8. You are a total nerd if you've pushed people out of the way to get your pic with a dude dressed as a Wookie. (guilty)

9. After a weekend of Celebration you're planning a whole sleeve of Star Wars themed tattoos despite the fact that you're mother will disown you...it's worth it. 

10. You are now the proud owner of every limited pin, patch, and badge available at the Con and give zero F's you paid that much for anything in your whole life.  

11. You judged every sexy Slave Leia at the con for not being more inventive, but you're also secretly jealous you didn't work on your bikini body sooner.  

12. You've contemplated buying a $400 toy still in the box because...collector's item, duh! 

13. You're kid had to poop in the public bathroom and it took 20 minutes just to remove his full costume (we've discussed this...but my Little Rebel can't poop without being naked and cosplaying just complicated things...)

14. You're jealous of every kid who got to do Jedi Academy...

15. When Jar Jar Binks photobombs you're C3-PO pictures and you're totally cool with that...it's literally the only time you actually didn't want to punch him anyways.  

16. You see other parents with their kids at the Con and nod, like you're all raising the next generation of literally badasses that will carry on the love of the Galaxy Far Far Away...

17. When you've Googled how hard it is to build a remote control R2-D2...

18. You totally spent 4 hours in line for the Celebration store and came away with 6 new friends and one t-shirt that is kinda too small. 

19. You overheard the pregnant lady arguing with her husband about the fact that they "won't be naming this baby Jango."

20. You're sure you're depression won't go away until Disney opens their Star Wars theme park or they announce the next Celebration dates...until then you'll be obsessing over fan sites until Christmas 2018.  

 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Awkward People-ing Edition

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1. Since having a child I find is more and more difficult to have a conversation that doesn't involve at least one Disney movie quote, my birth story, school lunches, or poop. All subjects the general public frowns upon during an adult social setting, apparently.    

2. Talking to some of the other parents at school can sometimes feel like I swallowed a spoonful of peanut butter and it gets stuck in the place in your throat that makes you feel like you're having a massive heart attack...you know what I'm talking about.  You know its going to end, but for the mean time it SUCKS and feels like impending death. 

3. Socializing without your kid around can go one of two ways: single vodka or double.  Just depends on how much communication with the outside world you've been getting lately.  

4. My face will turn 6 shades of red before any conversation is completed.  Fact. 

5. When you forget to put your sunglasses down to make all the crazy eye rolls and facial expressions... and you get caught.  (smacks forehead) 

6. When you yell "Seatbelts!" in your Uber or when a non-child-having friend is driving, you know your social skills have erroded to a practically unrecognizable level of uselessness.  

7. Someone once told me not to wear all black so that people would be more open to approaching me...now everything I own is black.  

8. After a night of people-ing I get an interaction hangover that is only cured by isolation, Netflix, and online shopping.  

9. If I and showing up to a social event it's in the "I put a bra on for this" category. Thats pretty important so recognize.   

10. I think its probably the nicest thing that you can do for me is if we run into each other at Target, just pretend you don't see me.  It's my happy place.  Let's not ruin it by interacting.  

11. Socially awkward people aren't snobs, we're just silently trying NOT to say the approximately one million weird comments rushing through our head while you're talking about whatever it is that you're talking about.  

12.  When introverts do end up talking during a social moment you look at us like we Kanye'd all over your Taylor Swift moment... 

13. I am awful at playdates. One exchange went as follows:

Other Mom: Your son is so cute

Me: Thank you, I don't know where he gets it...Probably from the milk man.  

SILENCE...

14. If you didn't fit in during your middle school/ high school years, had weird hair, dressed like Ducky, didn't sit at the cool table, had 3 friends and they were way nerdier than you and you were cool with that or any variation of unpopularity at any point... you can sit by me me and we can stare at our phones in silence and feel good about that.  

15. My son got stage fright at a school performance once and I had to sit on stage with him and I was all like: 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Fournado rears it's ugly head.

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1. My son turned 4 and he is moodier than our current President on a Twitter rant.   

2. Getting him dressed in anything but his favorite red shorts is much like watching a scene out of The Exorcist.  At one point it's quiet and we're smiling.  I simply state "its time to get dressed."  He starts flipping the F*&% out.  I'm just staring at him waiting for pea soup to come spewing out of his face and his head to start rotating.  

3. His behavior has become slightly...hmmm...how shall I put this without sounding like the worlds worst mother...Defiant. We will call him defiant for lack of a less offensive word.  We will ask him not to do something (I,e. jump on the couch, chase the dog with a lightsaber, etc.) and he will, straight up, lock eyes with us and do said thing repeatedly and with no remorse until he is reprimanded.  Then looks at us with a scowl and says "I don't like you anymore." As soon as he turns his back I find it very difficult not to flip him off.  

4. What the hell is up with my child asking me a question, I answer the questions, then he promptly tells me I am wrong, answers his own question, then walks away?  It's only after exchanges like that when I truly start to question my own sanity.  

5. Is it just MY kid that HAS to be naked to poop? What is that about?

6.  How can someone be so fearless and also need a nightlight?

7. There isn't any conversation that doesn't involve the mention of a fart or a poop. 

8. If I had to relate Fournado someone without kids I would say it is similar to the impulse control of Lindsay Lohan crossed with Scott Stapp on meth with a side of KellyAnn Conway's logic.  

9. At this point no one is a stranger...its makes the introvert in me FREAK THE F OUT! Mainly because when he talks to people then I HAVE TO TALK TO STRANGERS.  I do not like talking to strangers.  Hell, I don't even like talking to non-strangers.  

10.  I will say this about FOURNADO...  It is the most inquisitive and thirsty for knowledge that my son has ever been. Example: Today he asked me to explain how a sound studio is turned into a set to make a movie look real...all before 7 AM and my first cup of coffee.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 1

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Ugh.  So, as we all know, I am very single.  Well, I decided that 2017 is the year I try to be less single.  I'm not really interested in jumping into anything super serious, but maybe it would be good for me to try and give this dating thing a try.  We're one month in to this journey and its basically a disaster. 

  1. How do people actually meet each other now? No, seriously...HOW??? I have heard bizarre stories like, "we met at Whole Foods" or "we met at the gym." These are the two legit LEAST likely places for me to ever meet anyone! Pretty sure I'm so distracted by reading labels to make sure my four year old ingests the least amount of GMOs that I wouldn't notice a good looking man in the grocery store.  And the gym? Really? Thats where I go to forget about men and focus on myself! 
  2.  What ever happened to friends setting friends up on blind dates? Oh, yeah...that's right, I forgot that all of my friends have either been married for ions or are way more single and desperate than I am, so they have no decent dating pool options.  
  3.  Meeting someone in a bar? Not an option.  It hasn't worked in the past, why would I think it would work now? 
  4. Dating websites/apps, you say? Ok.  Well I have tried this route and it's a nightmare.  Why are they all holding fish or some other animal they have killed? Do women dig that? I have no clue.  
  5. Why can't anyone take a decent selfie? It's 2017! Its basically the only form of portraiture at this point.  Do they ever clean the bathroom mirror, I mean, do that before you take a bathroom selfie...please.  And what is it with just the pic of your nipple? Thats just SO strange.  
  6. Statistically speaking there must be a pretty large part of the population that is divorced (me) and a parent (also me) so why is every man in my 25 mile radius "never-been-married-no-kids-cats-only" guy? I really am hoping to date people that have had some life experience.  How am I supposed to relate to someone who has no responsibility outside of work and a cat litter box? 
  7. Have you ever seen couples and think to yourself, "Those two weirdos found each other...so why am I still single?"
  8.  Why do single men with no children think that I'm looking for a father for my kid? I'm NOT! Thats utterly ridiculous.  My son has a great father, and we're friends.  The assumption I need a man for the "positive male role model" is presumptuous and insulting, at best.  
  9. I have come to realize after 4 years of being single (by choice, thank you very much) that I am independent to a fault.  Its kind of my biggest flaw.  I should work on that.  
  10. Can't I just date John Cusack? Is he available? 
  11. I would be the perfect girlfriend.  I'm busy, so I wouldn't be needy.  I'm also not likely to waste someone's time.  Being a Mom has taught me to just be honest.  No BS.  No games. No assumptions.  I mean, can't we just see a movie once in awhile? Maybe some dinner and a glass of wine? I'm looking for someone to make fun of these dating apps with.  
  12. When someone messages you and say "hey beautiful, what are you looking for?" it makes me want to respond with "someone to clean out the car and fold the laundry..." 
  13.  Why do all men assume that "fit/active" means skinny? I gave birth to a human, run, go to the gym to lift, and eat a very healthy diet...I AM NOT SKINNY...nor do I really want to be.  
  14. Raising a son means I have seen my share of penis by 8 am, so why would a man think I would want a "dick pic" sent to me while I am cruising Target for some new flannel pajamas?! UMMM, NO.  
  15. When I think about going on an actual date I think about having to wear spanks and do my hair and I start to realize being single might not be that bad after all...