Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Fournado rears it's ugly head.

1. My son turned 4 and he is moodier than our current President on a Twitter rant.   

2. Getting him dressed in anything but his favorite red shorts is much like watching a scene out of The Exorcist.  At one point it's quiet and we're smiling.  I simply state "its time to get dressed."  He starts flipping the F*&% out.  I'm just staring at him waiting for pea soup to come spewing out of his face and his head to start rotating.  

3. His behavior has become slightly...hmmm...how shall I put this without sounding like the worlds worst mother...Defiant. We will call him defiant for lack of a less offensive word.  We will ask him not to do something (I,e. jump on the couch, chase the dog with a lightsaber, etc.) and he will, straight up, lock eyes with us and do said thing repeatedly and with no remorse until he is reprimanded.  Then looks at us with a scowl and says "I don't like you anymore." As soon as he turns his back I find it very difficult not to flip him off.  

4. What the hell is up with my child asking me a question, I answer the questions, then he promptly tells me I am wrong, answers his own question, then walks away?  It's only after exchanges like that when I truly start to question my own sanity.  

5. Is it just MY kid that HAS to be naked to poop? What is that about?

6.  How can someone be so fearless and also need a nightlight?

7. There isn't any conversation that doesn't involve the mention of a fart or a poop. 

8. If I had to relate Fournado someone without kids I would say it is similar to the impulse control of Lindsay Lohan crossed with Scott Stapp on meth with a side of KellyAnn Conway's logic.  

9. At this point no one is a stranger...its makes the introvert in me FREAK THE F OUT! Mainly because when he talks to people then I HAVE TO TALK TO STRANGERS.  I do not like talking to strangers.  Hell, I don't even like talking to non-strangers.  

10.  I will say this about FOURNADO...  It is the most inquisitive and thirsty for knowledge that my son has ever been. Example: Today he asked me to explain how a sound studio is turned into a set to make a movie look real...all before 7 AM and my first cup of coffee.  

Funny Observations From My Life as A Single Mom: The Disney Edition

1. I used to think that being a single parent and taking my kid anywhere was difficult...until I witnessed these couples with children at Disney.  Mom is carrying everything but the kitchen sink, including an infant.  Dad is trying to navigate a double stroller thru crowds...both arguing over where to go next and when to head to their lunch reservations.  Disney should offer couples counseling in their vacation packages.

2. Strollers are the tools of Satan.  No one can navigate one without being a total pain in the ass to themselves or everyone else around them.  It's impossible.

3. Why are you still walking around Disney with the kids asleep in the stroller? Give up and go grab a drink! Disney now offers alcohol at certain locations for overstressed parents and busses for transportation.  If your kid is taking a nap and you're wondering aimlessly trying to seek refuge from the relentlessly insipid background music digging it's way into your subconscious...please, do yourself a favor and find a place to sit and sip a cocktail or a coffee and relax for a few before the kiddos wake up and demand Mickey Mouse shaped junk food on a stick.

4. My son won't poop in public bathrooms, nor will he poop with clothes on (don't ask...I have no clue where this behavior came from...and we just kinda deal with it at this point.) He HAS to be naked to poop.  Well, at Disney he had to go.  The conversation with both of us in the stall went something like:

Me: No, I can't take your clothes off, we're in a public bathroom.

B: But I can't POOP with clothes on!! (He is very loud and VERY serious about this)

Me: Just try.

B: (tears streaming down his face) Stop looking at me! Take my shoes off! I cant poop like this!

Me: I will compromise and take your shirt off.

B: Ok, I'll try but I can't promise I can poop with you in here. I need privacy.

Me: I can't leave you alone and shirtless in a public Disney bathroom so I'll turn around and won't watch.

::15 minutes later:: B: Ok, I'm done.  I'm never pooping like this in public again.

Me: Trust me, I don't think either one of us want to go through this ever again. (Entire Ladies Room erupts in laughter)

5. This Hippo expresses how I feel after eating anything at Disney:  

6. I'm not sure "happiest place on Earth" is as appropriate as "parts of this is gonna suck, but eventually something super cute will happen (most likely when your phone or camera is in the bottom of your purse) and it will make it worth it."

7. If you're taking a bigger kid (say 4 year old, like my son) you probably want to make them walk.  I mean, tell me why you wouldn't want your kid to be tired at bedtime? I'm never really sure what the motivation is the have a 10 year old in a stroller other than to drive yourself completely bonkers.

8. I took my son on the Dinosaur Ride at Animal Kingdom.  It was terrifying and at one point I looked down at my son and he had his eye closed and he looked asleep. I asked him if he was OK he replied "No!" When the ride was done and we were exiting he yelled "F***! That was scary!" (Other parents either scowled or laughed...it was a 50/50 response to a 4 year old dropping the F Bomb.)

9. It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid it, your child will eventually put their mouth on something gross (like a window or a handrail or...a wall) while waiting in line.  Or even better, drop something on the ground and then proceed to pick it up and EAT it.

10. When I asked my son what his favorite part of this Disney staycation was he answered with "Seeing a giraffe take a poop, riding the buses, and running around the hotel hallways." So...that just goes to show you it's not all about spending time and money trying to experience every ride and attraction, it's about memories.

20 Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The End Of 2016 Edition

1. 2016 has successfully killed off all of my childhood heroes.  Bowie, Prince, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), Debbie Reynolds, Mrs. Brady (Florence Henderson), Patty Duke,  George Michael, Abe Vagoda, Doris Roberts, Gene Wilder, Gary Shandling, Muhammad Ali, The Half-Blood Prince (Alan Rickman), Lemmy and Vanity..so somebody better keep an eye on Betty White, Mark Hamill, Madonna, and Harrison Ford damnit...or I will spiral into a stress-eating depression like never before.   2. I feel like the biggest accomplishment this year is that my now fully potty trained kid no longer pisses all over me while co-sleeping in the family bed.  The dog is happy about that too.

3. This year brought us a lot of attitude changes.  Example: "Darth, Don't be a dick..." is often heard coming from the playroom.

4. Upon switching school this school year it has become apparent to me that all preschools struggle with the same problems: some parents are assholes, we say "no" to pretty much all birthday parties, and all kids share their bad habits with one another (i,e. My son's new-found bullshit attitude toward pretty much everything at the most inconvenient times.)

5. You know you're a parent of a small child when NYE plans consist of DVRing the ball-dropping and hoping you all fall asleep by 9pm.

6. New pajamas are the most exciting wardrobe additions of 2016.

7. I haven't seen Rogue One yet because I feel guilty that I can't take my kid.

8. Over the last year I have logged countless hours of sweat therapy either running or lift weights so that I can eat like a 4-year-old whenever the F I want!

9. During the holidays we can all use Santa as a way to get our kids to behave...but as soon as Christmas is over they act like they've never heard of his fat ass before and carry on acting like complete crazed animals.

10. One of these days I will actually read the September issue of my favorite magazine.

11. Watching my son play his first organized sport this year reminded me less of Olympic dream filled memories of other parent's childhood and more like the failures of my own childhood athletic career:

12. Not sure what's remember the day that your kid wiped his own ass and you were legit soooo proud...yeah, me neither.

13. When your 4 year old tells your conservative family member "Donald Trump is a bad guy" with no coaching from you and you're just relieved his didn't call him a "dick."

14. 75% of my year was spent telling my kid to "put some pants on..."

15. I would consider myself an expert at terrifying my son into behaving better. Example: Don't play with that...it's glass and if it broke your guts and blood would spill everywhere and you would have to go to the hospital.  (The look on his face is always priceless.)

16. The package always says "bakes 12 chocolate chips cookies" but you only bake 6 because you ate half of the cookie dough.

17. School break is basically torture for your whole family...we should protest that shit in the streets.

18. The pastor gave my son a blessing at Christmas service...my son asked me if that meant he was good enough to leave early.

19. When planning any outing one must anticipate the following: No Restroom automatically means your child will have to poop.  No food automatically means your child will act like a starving hyena.

20.  The best part about starting a new year is knowing that you survived the last one...