Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: 20 Times You Became Brutally Aware That Some Self-Care is Needed ASAP!

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1. When you realize that if you ever decided to go for a jog (stop laughing, it may happen) that your leg hairs may cause a friction fire.  

2. When you realize that your last actual pedicure was when that "Jenny From The Block" song was popular AF. 

3. When you realize that your last bath was a 15 minute soak to remove the filth of the day and that you used bubble gum bubble bath and had to try not to accidentally goose yourself with a naked Barbie. 

4. When you realize that the last time you went to Yoga you were A. flexible and B. didn't pee a little bit when you attempt Dolphin Pose. 

5. When you realize you've had a gummy bear stuck in your messy bun (BTW, Mom's invented this look with NO credit from Pinterest.) 

6. When you realize your eyebrows are either reminiscent of tow caterpillars mating on your face or you've just gone full Whoopie Goldberg and just don't care to draw them bitches on anymore.  Either way...it's just bad news.  

7. When you realize that your daily meditation is "Please don't punch that bitch who cut me off in the pick-line..." 

8. When you realize Pinterest is your only real mental break in the day...but it's 3AM and you're still pinning projects you'll never do.  

9. When you realize your wardrobe went from "Hey, look at me. I'm the hot party girl." to "Hey, Please ignore me and if you do speak to me don't expect me to be happy about it."

10. When you realize the last date you went on was with yourself and even you disappointed you on the date.  

11. When you realize you once had some bras what made you say "Oh damn, I feel sexy" and now all of your bras just make you say "Please just don't let a tit fall out when I bend over to pick up the groceries." 

12. When you realize that you're well past the point of no return...leggings are just now the only "pants" you own.  

13. When you realize you've been driving around ALONE and singing the Moana soundtrack as loud as you possibly can.  Remember when you had good taste in music? Nope, not any more.  

14.  When you realize that the days of lingerie, thongs, and sexy thigh highs have been replaced by big, beige, control-top type situations that cover you from Boob to Kankle. 

15. When you realize that your last girls night out ended in an epic conversation with your Uber driver about that time your kids had explosive diarrhea.  

16. When you realize the last time you had a good cry was at the end of the movie Coco.

17. When you realize you the last meal you made just for yourself was a bowl of cereal and a vodka tonic.  

18. When you realize the last book you read was What to Expect When You're Expecting...and it was a book of LIES, so now you have trust issues.   

19. When you realize the last time you saw a therapist was on the show Intervention. 

20. When you realize the last selfish thing that you've done is get a Pap-Smear. 

 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Spooky and All Together Ooky...A Halloween Edition

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1. Halloween has become about discussing Halloween and everything Halloween related all day everyday for 3 months, only to have your kid see an early Christmas display at Target and now he gives ZERO F*&%s about any of your costume or decorating efforts.  

2. Who else thinks that Halloween should only be celebrated on the weekends? This mid-week BS is the stuff of parenting nightmares.  

3. If you want any kind of adult "school-classroom-appropriate" costume you should break out the old sewing machine and throw something together on your own...unless you think "sexy corn" or "sexy shoehorn" or "sexy random kitchen utensil" is welcome at the preschool Fall Festival, because that's all that is for sale at the Halloween stores.  

4. Speaking of Halloween stores, we took my soon-to-be-five-year-old son to one to pick out a costume.  He freaked out, had a mini-panic attack, and wouldn't let go of his Dad.  We literally bought the first two decent costumes we saw and had to book it out of there before we did any kind of major psychological damage.  (I need to stop watching Mindhunter on Netflix...) 

5. We happen to live in the Sunshine State, so trick or treating or anything fall related is more about managing an overheating kiddo, my boob sweat and making sure everyone is chafe-free and doesn't end up with heat rashes and dehydration.  

6. We have 5 costumes because he will either make a last minute final decision or just throw together some homage to Cybil and be 5 personalities at once, which sounds more fun than the typical Ghost or Paw Patrol character to me.  

7. Halloween candy...every mom's winter-weight nightmare.  I say give it to Dad.  I hear 'Dad-bod" is actually a "thing" now.  

8. Pumpkin flavored everything is gross.  Fact.  Stop it.  

9. Question: How the F am I supposed to get my kid to school after a solid 24 hours of him operating on adrenaline, sugar, and the sheer willpower to keep up with the bigger kids on the trick or treating route? I feel like he will be going to school with a Halloween Hangover...and we know how awesome those can be if you've ever tried to go to work the day after drinking way too much dressed as "sexy corn."  

10.  The most annoying thing about Halloween? Trying to figure out if I need to dress and act a little LESS like Morticia Addams for this one day a year.  

11. Candy corn is made of what, exactly?

12. How many kids will be dressed as a Poop Emoji and do we find this cute or just weird? I mean...the kid decided to dress as feces.  

13. You know what's really fun? Cleaning up the gelatinous remains of what once resembled a carved pumpkin.  Ew.  

14. I lost count on how many times I've threatened to "cancel Halloween" due to bad behavior.  

15. How to traumatize a person with anxiety: dress your child in a costume that blends with all the other kids costume, let him lose on the streets, around strangers and with plastic weapons...and do all of this in the dark.  

16. Is it me or is there always at least one asshole kid in the group? 

17. Is it me or is there always one drunk AF parent in the group? 

18. You can always tell the houses that ate all of the "good candy" by the look of guilt on their faces and the hurried manner in which they threw in some loose Certs and cough drop into your kid's bucket. 

19. The trick or treat route is only as long as the length of time it takes the lead parent empty their giant Yeti cup of adult beverage.  

20. Is Tired AF a costume? 'Cause I got that look on lock. 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 2

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Just a little follow up to Volume 1...

  1. I don't think I'm using Tinder correctly. I'm told that it has other uses beyond screenshotting hilarious profile pics to send to your friends, but I haven't found that to be true.  
  2. You would think that dating a single mom would be more appealing.  Let's face it, we are too busy to be a pain in the ass and we always have snacks in our purse.  
  3. Sometimes as I am falling asleep in my bed I think, "Do I really wanna fuck this up? I have it pretty good right now." And then I burst into tears and cry myself to sleep while watching the Golden Girls.  (I would totally be the Dorothy.)
  4. When people say "Why are you still single? So many guys would love to date you" the proper response is "No, so many guys are trying to sleep with me...there's a huge difference." 
  5. Single Moms in a relationships don't ask for much...movie dates, some tacos and the occasional orgasm...in that order...  
  6. I went on one date where a guy made snarky and judgmental statements about my shoes... I almost had to cut a bitch. Instead I left him with the check, snuck out and Ubered home. 
  7. My Match.com "matches" looks more like a sex offender registry...I'm not really sure what that says about me. 
  8. When it comes to dating, I think I have more feeling for tacos than most of the people who have actually asked me out of the past 4 years.  I'm sticking with tacos. They very rarely disappoint.  
  9. When they say no hookups, then send you a wiener pic was soon as you match...?
  10. When a man approaches me at a bar to introduce himself I automatically think, "knowing my luck, this guy has been here since noon because he has no job." I'm literally the poster girl for cynicism.  
  11. Why do all online dating profiles contain a fish picture, a picture showing nipple, a dirty bathroom mirror pic and a gym mirror selfie? 
  12. Nothing is more startling than seeing the profiles of people you know on a dating site...but you know you read that shit and take a few screenshots just for giggles.  
  13. When a woman starts talking to someone on a dating site she turns into a better investigator anyone on Law and Order. She can find his Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and SnapChat before he can can reply with a clever gif. 
  14. Am I the only one who finds it suspect that so many men over 40 have never been married or had kids? 
  15.  I never know what to say when someone asks, "What are you looking for?" right off the bat...the realist in me wants to answer, "ummm...someone to clean out the gutters and take out the trash" but for some reason I don't think thats what they are asking. 
  16. When you get a DM that says "What's Up?" is really fun to answer "My Body Mass Index" and see what happens.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Bathroom Edition

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1. How is it possible we spend 75% of parenting most concerned with who is pooping, peeing, where they are pooping or peeing or cleaning said poop and pee...yet, Moms can literally forget to do either for what seems like days?

2. I didn't think it was possible, but I have witnessed my son pee ON an ENTIRE ROLL of toilet paper, without ever removing it from the holder, just to amuse himself.  

3. Theres nothing better for ones confidence than stepping out of the shower and having a tiny person say "I hope I never look like that naked." 

4. Kids give ZERO F*#%S about privacy until its an adult who is requesting said privacy...even in public bathrooms.  

5. Bathroom stalls are for quick pee breaks.  Family bathrooms are for your four and a half year old who insists on taking off all of his clothes and his shoes to take a poop.  

6. Asking a child to "not make a mess" while they are in the bath tub is like asking a pyromaniac to hold your lighter fluid and zippo.  

7. Never squeeze the bath toy thats been unused for a bit, in fact burn it, because if whatever is inside gets out you may need hazmat.  

8. I found out that I could still do the splits the other day...not that I wanted to but I slipped in the tub and now I'm not sure anything about my body will ever be the same again.  

9. I've been thinking about toilet training my terrier.  She seems like she would catch on faster than the kid did, and she probably wouldn't ask me to wipe her ass in the middle of my first cup of coffee.  

10. When you finally have some time alone at home and you go to relax in the tub but you need to first remove 45 tiny animals, a Chewbacca, maybe 1 or 2 naked Barbies, wash the from the tub crayons and glittery bath bomb the kiddos used a few days ago...aaaannnndd now this is just cleaning and not relaxing so you give up.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 1

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Ugh.  So, as we all know, I am very single.  Well, I decided that 2017 is the year I try to be less single.  I'm not really interested in jumping into anything super serious, but maybe it would be good for me to try and give this dating thing a try.  We're one month in to this journey and its basically a disaster. 

  1. How do people actually meet each other now? No, seriously...HOW??? I have heard bizarre stories like, "we met at Whole Foods" or "we met at the gym." These are the two legit LEAST likely places for me to ever meet anyone! Pretty sure I'm so distracted by reading labels to make sure my four year old ingests the least amount of GMOs that I wouldn't notice a good looking man in the grocery store.  And the gym? Really? Thats where I go to forget about men and focus on myself! 
  2.  What ever happened to friends setting friends up on blind dates? Oh, yeah...that's right, I forgot that all of my friends have either been married for ions or are way more single and desperate than I am, so they have no decent dating pool options.  
  3.  Meeting someone in a bar? Not an option.  It hasn't worked in the past, why would I think it would work now? 
  4. Dating websites/apps, you say? Ok.  Well I have tried this route and it's a nightmare.  Why are they all holding fish or some other animal they have killed? Do women dig that? I have no clue.  
  5. Why can't anyone take a decent selfie? It's 2017! Its basically the only form of portraiture at this point.  Do they ever clean the bathroom mirror, I mean, do that before you take a bathroom selfie...please.  And what is it with just the pic of your nipple? Thats just SO strange.  
  6. Statistically speaking there must be a pretty large part of the population that is divorced (me) and a parent (also me) so why is every man in my 25 mile radius "never-been-married-no-kids-cats-only" guy? I really am hoping to date people that have had some life experience.  How am I supposed to relate to someone who has no responsibility outside of work and a cat litter box? 
  7. Have you ever seen couples and think to yourself, "Those two weirdos found each other...so why am I still single?"
  8.  Why do single men with no children think that I'm looking for a father for my kid? I'm NOT! Thats utterly ridiculous.  My son has a great father, and we're friends.  The assumption I need a man for the "positive male role model" is presumptuous and insulting, at best.  
  9. I have come to realize after 4 years of being single (by choice, thank you very much) that I am independent to a fault.  Its kind of my biggest flaw.  I should work on that.  
  10. Can't I just date John Cusack? Is he available? 
  11. I would be the perfect girlfriend.  I'm busy, so I wouldn't be needy.  I'm also not likely to waste someone's time.  Being a Mom has taught me to just be honest.  No BS.  No games. No assumptions.  I mean, can't we just see a movie once in awhile? Maybe some dinner and a glass of wine? I'm looking for someone to make fun of these dating apps with.  
  12. When someone messages you and say "hey beautiful, what are you looking for?" it makes me want to respond with "someone to clean out the car and fold the laundry..." 
  13.  Why do all men assume that "fit/active" means skinny? I gave birth to a human, run, go to the gym to lift, and eat a very healthy diet...I AM NOT SKINNY...nor do I really want to be.  
  14. Raising a son means I have seen my share of penis by 8 am, so why would a man think I would want a "dick pic" sent to me while I am cruising Target for some new flannel pajamas?! UMMM, NO.  
  15. When I think about going on an actual date I think about having to wear spanks and do my hair and I start to realize being single might not be that bad after all...