1. Girl, if you are out to brunch and working hard at finding the bottom of the "bottomless mimosas" don't teeter around town in 5 inch platform wedges. They look cute one drink in, but by the third you're falling flat on your ass on the way to the bathroom.

2. Let's talk about rompers. First of all, if the romper rides up in the back then let's assume its riding up in the front. That's not cute, girl. NOT CUTE. Also, if your ass checks are falling out of said romper you would consider upsizing. Real Talk: it's complete rare that a real human can pull off this look, so maybe just don't. OK?

3. I am all for leggings, don't get me wrong. But, in the unfortunate event that the pattern of a kitten, unicorn, rainbow, or any other majestic being looks like is leaping from your ass (or even worse...vag) just don't wear them in public. Remember that the internet it a cruel place and you don't want to end up next weeks most popular meme.

4. If high-wasted jeans are making you look like you have a mile-long-flat-ass and a "front-butt", please consider that some trends are for 17-year-olds with a lightening fast metabolism...and thats not you.

5. If you are wearing leggings and I can see your maxi-pad outline you may need to find a longer shirt. (You have no idea how common this is...for reals.)

6. If your bra makes you look like you have four boobs or one big mono-boob you may want to rethink the size of said over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.

7. Fellas can have a fashion fail, too. If your shirt reads as a dick/fart joke, you've failed BIG time.

8. If you wanna smoke weed, thats cool. If I see you at the school function wearing your pot leaf necklace circa 1994 you're gonna retire that shit ASAP.

9. Over the age of 14 ironic t-shirts are no longer cute or ironic.

10. Crocs are not shoes for every occasion. If you think they are you need a smack in the face with one.

11. When heading to the beach or the pool, please remember that the rules of swimwear are not just a loose interpretation. Seriously, some of y'all need to get a grip on that shit. I'm not your doctor or your partner so I don't need to see that much of you in public.

12. If you aren't sure about whether or not you are a walking fashion fail just go to places like WalMart or Disney and look around. If your outfit looks like most of their outfits, you fail. If not, you should be all good. (We all know WalMart and Disney are the two places fashion goes to die, just admit it.)

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." but that doesn't mean I still don't get a little startled when I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear review mirror on the way to drop off... Seriously, who is that woman looking back at me?
Remember when you woke up and "got ready" for the day by doing your hair and putting on makeup and an outfit that you planned right down to the perfect accessories? Remember when you spent hours doing beauty treatments and facials and mani/pedis and even cared about waxing? Remember when you got your hair done more than biannually?
I will admit this to all of you right now...I GET BOTOX! Trust me, you don't want to see my real facial expressions anyways.
When it takes more time to apply wrinkle creams and anti-aging treatments at night than it does to put your kid to sleep, you know you're in trouble...
I don't think doing things to make yourself feel good about how you look, or what your hair looks like, looking younger and fresher, and feel more confident is being a "bad mom", and when people imply that to me they usually look like hot trash too, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.
I appreciate that fact that the "messy bun" is in style but there's a difference between what Pinterest is talking about and my messy mom hair that hasn't been washed in a week and at one point housed a gummy bear for a whole day without my knowledge.
I call it multi-tasking when I put on a seaweed mask or clay mask and scare the shit out of my son with my "monster makeup"...
Back in the day I used to oil up and lounge by the pool until I reached the perfect shade of tan. Now I look like a bee keeper out there, completely covered up and slathered in SPF 3 million...except on the tops of my feet...I always forget those.
I think a lot of Moms judge each other way too much on this subject. Either we are too put together to be "super mom" or we look like a pile of shit and are told we "aren't taking care of ourselves properly to be a good mom." F THAT! Do what makes you feel good! Lasers, peels, injections, make-up, weekly blowouts...or nothing at all. It's up to you and no Mom at the playground should make your vanity or lack-there-of a weapon against you. (Plus you know that bitch dyes her hair too... Girl, Bye.)
Summertime beauty is basically all about waterproof mascara and trying not to resemble a troll doll.
Its inevitable that your child will look more put together than you do 80% of the time. The other 20% is when they stay home with a sitter.
Just accept that your winged eyeliner will never match and save yourself the time and the aggravation.
Being "trendy" is a lot less practical at this stage in the game, ladies. Mermaid hair or unicorn hair is always the coveted "anti mom mop-top" goal, but its a lot of maintenance...and lest we forget we haven't shaved our legs in three weeks, let alone remembered to use special shampoos and to only rinse that dye job with cool water.
Shower routine with kids in the house: wash what you can and get out of there before they set the place on fire.
Shower routine with no kids in the house: Spends a whole hour and all of the hot water shaving one's self as smooth as a dolphin and enjoys the simple sound of the water rushing over your face without anyone bursting in to have you fix an Autobot or take a poop while your trying to wash the stink of the day away.
My motto is: contour and beat that face until I look like I did when I slept 8 hours a night and ate better than cold leftover mac'n'cheese. No shame in my makeup game, gals.
If you haven't worn makeup and done your hair in a while and you finally have a night out where you get the opportunity to go ALL OUT...and you end up looking like a contestant on Ru Paul Drag Race...
When someone says "you smell nice" and you reply "thanks, I just wiped my hands with a baby wipe." It's anyone guess why you still have friends.
Here's a little truth bomb: I keep a black t-shirt dress, sunglasses and red lip gloss in the car, just in case I need to look "some-what-presentable" at any given time. I can give you 'tired-ass Audrey Hepburn' with those few things in under 5 minutes.
You know you're going out when you adjust your bra straps to pick those puppies up where they belong.

Bonus: When you're at any makeup counter, beauty supply or cosmetics store and the sales person has a Sally-Jessy Raphael meets Marilyn Manson look going on:

Funny Observations From My Life As a Single Mom: 12 Times Fashion Failed You

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Beauty Edition