Truth Bomb: When you want to "Live, Laugh, Love" But...

Live.  Laugh. Love.  Seems simple, right? Well, I'm sure for some people it is.  It sounds lovely.  Its a goal to aspire to, for sure.  But if you live with anxiety, its damn near impossible.  I just thought I would share some of my struggles with letting go and trying to live a "normal" life dealing with anxiety.  

Most people don't really know what it is, so heres how I see it.  Basically, anxiety is the desire to do something but with overwhelming feelings of uneasiness and worry.  Doesn't seem that bad, right? Everyone has moments of anxiety.  But some of us just battle this dragon daily. Trying new things? Nope. Going someplace where you don't know anyone? Nope. Talking to new people? AHHH!!! People with anxiety play over and over in their heads what they have said, how they said it, and if they said it in. way that made no sense at all. We hear what you said and we worry maybe you don't like us, we worry we may come off like we don't like you.  We're human, so of course we don't communicate perfectly all of the time and it kills us. We will stress out that we have said all the wrong things. So see what I mean? Trying to be happy is a legit daily struggle.  Anxiety pushes people away.  It isolates you.  It causes you to look like a complete asshole, but you're really just afraid to open up and be vulnerable in any and all situations.  It's not that we don't want real human interaction, but people with anxiety are afraid of what happens next. What happens if we catch feelings? Now what? What happens if we don't know whats going to happen? Seems crazy.  And it is. It feels like crazy. Its awful, but I think people need to understand the DESIRE to want to be different and easy going and not nervous is there.  We just need a little help calming our brains down a bit to loosen up and live a little.  

I don't know about most people, but I know where mine comes from.  Emotional Trauma.  I'd say finding out my husband was cheating on me for half of our three year marriage was the beginning of the anxious feelings.  Then, just to pile on to that, a chaotic relationship coupled with pregnancy and my partners struggle with his own depression and self medication during the scariest time of our lives probably didn't help ease my anxiety at all.  After I had my son I just knew I had that overwhelming sense of fear of the unknown.  Well, anyone with kids knows nothing is easy, everything is chaos and everything is terrifying for the first time.  Just to add to all of those "Mommy Anxiety" I had a horrible break-up, and the feelings of utter relationship failure and fear of being alone and a single-mother basically just broke me.  I felt like a shell of a person.  On the outside everything was smiles and sunshine, but on the inside it feels a lot like drowning but with no one holding you under.  Think, being stuck in a rip tide in the ocean. You're just swimming along and all of a sudden your bathing suit is being shoved up your ass and a boob is out and you're sucking in water by the gallon and you only have yourself to blame for all of it because you know you shouldn't have swam out so far with all of the red flags waving in the wind.  

The living part is hard, but doable.  I've worked on getting to know myself but it's still not enough.  The trauma is still there.  The anxiety still takes hold of me some days and steers the crazy train.  Not everyday, not every decision, but some and it sucks.  I'm not the best at making new "mom friends", taking my son to places with new people or crowds it tough, but I do it for him. He shouldn't live a sheltered life because I'm afraid of what is going to happen or might happen or probably won't happen but its just there I'm my head nagging me that it might happen.   And honestly once I do try something new it feels good and empowering and I make the effort to do it again and again and each time it gets easier. Its not that people with anxiety can't live happy, healthy, productive lives.  We just struggle with an inner dialogue that we are pretty sure no one else can relate to.  We can be happy.  We can chill the F*&% out and enjoy life.  But its difficult, thats all we need you to understand.  

The laughing part is easy, but it also masks the anxiety.  Its tricky like that.  I can laugh about it.  I can laugh about myself and I can always just make everything a joke.  Its one of my coping mechanisms.  If I make a joke of it, and laugh about it or how ridiculous I am being, it seems to ease other people and makes me break down some of my own walls and break that guarded cycle of always trying to protect myself from people getting too close.  Letting people in is ok if we are laughing. Under the jokes just know a part of me is screaming "just go back home to your couch and the Golden Girls marathon!!"  But if I'm there and we're cry-laughing about something totally hilarious that means I'm invested. I'm not fighting the urges to isolate and I'm enjoying the moments with you.  That's huge for me.  Know that.  

The loving part is the hardest.  It seems impossible, but I want it so badly. Not just any kind of love but the kind of love that challenges me to be better, do better and to not run away to the couch and the Golden Girls.  It's easy to love my son. But, real talk, I am a total "smother mother" but that's a whole different Blog Post.  Love for him comes from somewhere thats is untouched by any other person.  It comes from an unconditional connection to someone who I made and who makes me want more out of life.  It's the other love that scary and terrifying and constantly feel uneasy and unsure of myself and if I am capable of being complete again.  You see, after all that has happened to me a piece of me heart went missing and anxiety filled it.  Replacing that with the unconditional love of another feels like uncharted territory.  I've never had that before.  There's always been conditions, stipulations, requirements for me to be something.  The perfect wife or the rescuer, the caretaker or the one who holds it all together.  Really loving someone isn't placing conditions on them.  It's just the opposite.  It's loving who they are, good, bad, or ugly...and with me there feels like a lot more bad and ugly than good sometimes.  That's what pushes people away.  Anxiety can make all of the good emotions mix with all of the nervousness and when someone special takes your heart in their hands it feels like someone has put a lid on a bottle and shaken it up.  Those emotions are all over the place. The  thing that was holding you together all of this time, CONTROL, is suddenly out the window and your left just out there and exposed.  Don't get me wrong, thats a good thing.  Thats what life is about.  Finding that is what we all want. It just seems harder for me.  I'm trying.  All I can do is try.  Try to be open, to share those feelings or fear, try to remember that not everyone wants to hurt me, and try to put those feelings of worry and dormant hurt into the baggage and leave them at the door and walk through the threshold of a new life with new feelings of love that can replace the negative. As much as you may think that you've done that, that you've conquered that ...its not until you're really faced with reality that you can say "ok, let's do this." Its not that I'm not ready for love, a relationship or deep feelings for someone. I am.  I know I can do it and I know the person who lets me is the right one for me.  It's going to hurt, and be messy and be hard sometimes but if I don't let that happen then the anxiety wins...and I'm not a loser.  I don't like to let something like that beat me.  I won't let it.  I just have to trust and the right one will trust that I'm trusting them with it all.  

If we breakdown in front of you, thats because we finally feel like its all coming to a head and instead of sweeping those feelings under the rug we are letting them out.  We probably will communicate poorly during this because emotions aren't easily verbalized at this point.  Its just a all vomiting out and we're powerless to it all because we have stopped holding on with such a tight grip.  Its not a bad thing.  Its actually good. We won't do this for just anyone, we just don't show our cards like that.  It's ok.  Just be patient, when we can get let it out it just means we're closer and closer to leaving it all behind and giving you the whole person we want to be.   It's something we can't help feeling.  It's a part of us, and as much as I don't want it, its there and we're trying my best to deal with it all.  

It's so hard to put into words the way anxiety and emotional trauma can affect someone.  I hope this paints a picture of what it's like.  Not just for me but for the people who love me and are in my life.  They need to know it's not them.

I am swimming away from the rip tide, I've pulled my swim suit from my ass, and I am keeping my head above water... and to all of those people who love me as I am, you are my life preserver.

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An Open Letter To My Friends From a Single Mom

Dear Friends, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I don't call or text.  I'm sorry I don't go to every event you invite me to on Facebook.  Know this: I want to do all of those things. You're important to me.  The reality of my life as a single mother is that socializing takes a back-burner to laundry, messes, runny noses, school involvement, cooking healthy meals, snuggling on the couch when he's sick, trips to Disney, doctor appointments, and whatever I do for myself when I can...like sleep, eat and bathe. 

I'm still me.  Vibrant, fun-loving, creative, adventurous, hopeful, caring, and happy.  I still enjoy dinners out, drinks at the local, movies, museums, dressing up...I still want and NEED to have a life.  When one first gives birth too a tiny human you all come out in droves to the little guy/gal.  I should have charged admission to cover the hospital bills. But some of my friends have slipped away.  4 years later and I just want to remind you...I don't have an infectious disease or anything...I have just lost track of time.  Literally.  I have no idea what day it is and the only reason I know the time of day is because I'm counting down to bedtime. I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I may not reach out to you first, or be the one to initiate communication.  Motherhood has me feeling a bit insecure.  To be real: I've tried to reach out, but your life is moving forward and full and I'm over here like, 'I hope they aren't forgetting about me.' I'm sorry I don't just pop up at events.  I feel a bit awkward just showing up alone. I'm sorry I don't invite you over all the time. I just assume you don't want to spend time when my child is here, because you've never offered to before.  I'm sorry I am a creature of habit and go to the same places all the time or don't really do new and crowded. Motherhood has also given me some anxiety and I just want to be where I feel comfortable and safe.  I apologize for letting life get the better of me sometimes, but you are all the key to helping me through it. Remember, I don't have a significant other here to help clean up the messes, cook the meals, dress the kid or pack the lunch...and I'm OK with that. BUT I do need friends like you to remind me that I am more than just the cleaner of play doh, repair engineer of toys and kisser of playground boo-boos.

Can I give you some tips on how to help a friend out?  Call me.  Text me.  Offer to meet up with us for dinner...WITH the kiddo.  Come over to our house.  You may end up playing light sabers or legos or watching something animated but we promise you'll have fun and more importantly, we won't lose our connection to one another.  You may see a glimpse of what I do everyday.  You will witness the reason for my unintentional isolation.  I need friends.  I need connections to people.  I need to feel like a priority to someone else sometimes. I need you to know I am lonely without you.  Please, I'm practically begging you to get involved in my life. Pester me. Force me to stop for a second and connect with you. And for goodness sake, if I actually text or call or PM you...RESPOND. Recognize that as the call for help. Help to feel connected, feel relevant and feel human.

At the end of the day, I am happy to be single.  I am happy to be a mother.  I'm not whole without my friends.

Sincerely,

Your Single Mom Friend

PS:  When the shit hit the fan, my soul sisters and closest friends gathered around and helped me through it all. For that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't survive without the compassion and thoughtfulness of all of you. You know who you are and since we are really more like family...most of this letter doesn't apply, but just know you're my ride or die and I love you.

Mourning The Loss of The Bubble and Other Post Election Thoughts

The last 18 months have been exhausting, emotional, eye-opening and at times, very frightening.  Much to my disappointment in the outcome we now have a President-elect and it is time to focus and move forward.  It's time to parent the hell out of this parenting game.  As if it weren't already hard enough, now we have to deal with the big bag of crap we've just been handed. It is our job to teach our children to be better, choose better and try harder.  To never give up on their dreams, to always stand up for what's right and to change the world with their light and love.  I woke up from a daze yesterday and realized that it's time to step up and stay connected, even more than I thought I was in the past.  As the initial depression fades I feel more awake than I ever have been (figuratively speaking...I mean, come on, I am still an exhausted single Mom surviving on caffeine and whatever's left of my morning runner's high.) I feel like this blog is a place for me to share my thoughts and feelings about what has transpired.   I consider myself educated and in tune with the issues, but I will be honest, maybe I am out of touch.  I was among the many that reacted with "shock and awe" at the outcome of the election.  How did I not realize how divided our country is? Am I living in a dream world where everyone gets along? I AM! I have created a reality for my son that is one of inclusion, diversity, and acceptance.  That's the nature of our family and community we surround ourselves with. My son goes to a very diverse school with both male and female teachers, both of color.  A classroom filled with children of all races and religions.  Our close friends and family represent all classes, races, religions, genders and sexual orientations. We don't spend our time with negative people or in situations that would feel divisive or against our core beliefs.  I know that not all of the people in our lives have similar political views, but that has never really bothered me.  We can cordially agree to disagree and I choose not to talk politics with other adults around my child.  I believe in the choices we are presented in life and that no one should dictate our own patriotism. I'm now realizing I've created the bubble and it burst...and it scares the hell out of me.

People we love feel alone, frightened, isolated and unsure of their futures.  As the days unfold we don't know what may happen.  As it stands we have already seen senseless acts of bigotry, violence, hate and anger spill into streets and classrooms.  IT'S DAY 1 and he isn't even in office yet.  It is up to us all to come together, but I will be honest and (as always in this blog) raw and real with you: I am afraid.  Not for me, but for my son.  For his innocence, his kind heart, his loving spirit and his open mind.  He doesn't know hate, but the world around us all is becoming more and more hateful.  I'm terrified.

I can't change who we as a country have elected as president, but I can be part of positive change, and so can you.  If I have learned anything from this election it is the enormous power of words.  We have been bombarded with negative ads, explosive reactions, damaging language and hateful speech.  Words that, even though we may not realize it, surround our children and the world they live in.  You are the one who controls the narrative in your home.  Choose your words wisely and with great consideration.  Stop and breathe. Remember little ears hear everything.  Little eyes see everything. And remember your kids know you better than you think.  They see your reaction and they react.  They emulate you.  When they say "be the change you want to see in the world" that's this moment right now with your children and every moment moving forward.  The change is you Mom and Dad.  The other lesson I have learned in this process is the stop and listen.  Hear your children.  You are their anchor and their compass.  No politician will ever be that for them.  You are the INSPIRATION for GENERATIONS.  Are they expressing concern or fear? My son is almost 4.  It's our inner circle that is his guide.  His father and I stand united in our love for him, our love of country and our commitment to teaching him positive values and ethics.  No one can come into our homes and teach him otherwise.  It is with a level head, an open heart, and a sincere respect for our jobs as parents that we will choose to teach our child compassion and caring for the community and how to be an involved and integral part of the positivity we represent as creatives, influencers and members of a global citizenship.   He is us and we are him.  We will hear him and be his advocate and voice for change. It won't be easy and we will and have been met with opposition in the past but its with real and true LOVE that we move forward as proud parents to someone who really can change the world.  Believe me, this family of mine has been through some crazy times before and we have worked hard to overcome them, and we will not stop now.

As I write this tears are falling down my face.  I know that today and for many more days people will be hurt and violated, degraded and dismissed.  They will be met with hate and anger, with ignorance and with violence. I cry because that's someone's mother, son, daughter, sister and brother, friends and spouses. And I mourn the loss of my silly little bubble of a life that I thought was one of love and light and positivity. We don't live there any more.  It's time for me to wake up, get focused, and move forward with strength, hope and optimism that for all of the bad we see in the world there is an equal good and that I can only try to be part of that movement.

I have no other words other than, as always...

ALL LOVE,

W & B

Truth Bomb: Why I Am Perfectly OK with NOT being 100% "Happy"

I know it sounds cynical and honestly probably a little rude and off-putting to say this, but I am perfectly OK with not being 100% "happy" all of the time.  It's too much pressure.  As a single parent, I think I have enough stuff to worry about, so why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of happy, too?  The definition of said state of being reads "showing pleasure or contentment." I can do content.  What I can't do is deal with the fact that everywhere I turn, someone or something is telling me I HAVE to be HAPPY.  Why? I am so much more than that.  I have emotions well beyond just that one.  I live a complicated life with ups and downs.  Do I feel happiness? YES, of course I do!!  I feel joyful, and silly and blessed a lot of the time.  But I also am here to be as honest and transparent as I can be in regards to life, parenting and all that I am as a woman raising a son.  I started this blog as an attempt to share tips and tricks of single parenting.  It has evolved into my own way of expressing my real truth.  So here I am, being perfectly frank with all of you.  I don't want to be "happy" all of the time.  What I want is to be free to feel my emotions.  To own them.  To grow from them.  To to express them, and to not hide who I really am under a fake smile and cheerful disposition.  I did that for a long time.  In a marriage, in relationships, in work and even in parenting.  It did me no good.  I lost who I really was for the sake of making everyone else feel comfortable.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want people to know me, not an idea of what inspirational Pinterest quotes tell me I should be.

I have great days where everything comes together and no one is injured, the house is clean, the laundry actually gets past the folded stage and gets put into drawers, the kid ate a vegetable and I feel genuinely good and peaceful.  But, not every day is like that. Some days are horrible and nothing comes together and we're late to school, he bumps his head, the dog pissed on the rug and forget about laundry....we're lucky if we're wearing pants at all.  Those days I feel defeated, tired, lonely, frustrated or maybe even just sad.  Fun Fact: one definition of sad is "pathetically inadequate or unfashionable." Yo! That describes parenting to a T!

There are moments in a sad day that are happy.  Those moments, for me, outweigh any whole day of happiness because what can bring me out of the dark and into the light is truly special and genuine, unique and real.   When the kiddo just says "I love you, Mom" for no reason at all, or you get a text from your bestie that makes your smile, when you look down at a sleeping, sweet-faced child and know you all actually survived another day and that they, your children, are actually 100% happy.  That's really what matters to me.

So, there it is. My Mom confession.  I am perfectly OK with not being 100% happy, because all of the other emotions that I feel make up the person I am and are born out of the wonderfully complex life that I live.  Real Talk.

Truth Bomb: 6 Reasons I Am Totally OK With Being A "Mean Mommy"

1. Because telling my son "no" means that I love him.  Often times B will say "mommy you're so mean" when I am telling him that he can't do something.  That's because I want him to learn to be safe and be respectful.  I love him.  I want better for him.  Telling him he cannot jump off of things or run around a restaurant is to teach him to be better and to act better.  My love for him is more important than being easy on him or making my life easier by letting him run rampant like a wild animal.
2. Because his behavior now can shape who he becomes in the future.  I want my son to learn to love school, learn to love being in social situations, learn to make the right choices in these situations and learn to behave.  I communicate with caretakers and teachers about his behavior daily and if he isn't behaving the way I expect him to (with regards to safety and respect) I have to reprimannd him.  He has privileges taken away (like his iPad or whatever toy he's obsessing over at the time) as a consequence for poor behavior.  I'm not asking for perfect.  I'm asking for him to learn to make good choices. Progress not perfection.  Kids will be kids.
3. Because I am his compass and his anchor.  As his parent my job is to guide him through life and to be the one who grounds him when he needs it.  I don't mean ground him like punish him but to ground him as in giving him the basic knowledge about life.  This is the task given to us as parents, and its one I don't take lightly.
4. Because 99.9% of the time I get a huge return on my investment when it comes to discipline.  He's a great kid.  I do not have a lot of issues with him, but that being said it takes effort to get good results.
5. Because being "cool mommy" isn't on my list of priorities when raising a strong-willed, intelligent, creative and curious young man.  My priorities are to facilitate his best traits.  I'm not concerned with B "liking" everything I say or do, I am concerned with the love we have for one another.
6. Because I respect my son.  I listen to him, I communicate with him, I try my best to recognize who he is as a person, but sometimes telling him "no" or "not right now" falls out of my mouth way too easily.  I am responsible for recipricating respect when he is behaving well, and rewarding that with more autonomy and independence. Again, progress not perfection.

Post Pulse Parenting and How We are Orlando Strong

  June 12, 2016. A day our family will never forget.  The day marks our country's worst mass shooting in US history at Pulse nightclub.  49 lives lost.  Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends coworkers and family to many. It has been a month.

I won't focus on the shooter.  I won't focus on the horror of what it felt like to wake up at 4 am and see the scenes playing out on television and social media.  I won't focus on how incredibly lost and lonely and desperately heartbroken I felt lying next to my 3 year old and seeing what was happening.  I'll focus here on how I chose to handle my emotions and parenting, because for us and our family we had to keep going.

That's a major theme in my life and something my mom and I say to each other constantly...keep going.  Meaning, whenever we feel overwhelmed and buried by life's emotions and circumstances we just keep going.  Head down, tunnel vision, laser focus on our jobs as parents.  That's my sole responsibility in life.  Being a great mother to my son.

On this day we happened to be planning on celebrating a big milestone for Boo. He was 100% diaper and pull up free! It felt like a victory.  A long, arduous journey that ended in what should have been a celebratory romp through Disney as a reward for a job well done.  I couldn't help the tears running down my face.  I couldn't help but feel the unrelenting sadness as the body count kept rising. I couldn't help but be real and raw in those moments.  He asked why I was upset.  He knows me.  He's my person, the one I spend all of my time with, the one who spent 9 months inside of me...he is a part of me, so he knew.  Knowing that at this age death and evil are concepts little ones just can't understand, nor should they, I chose to say that I was "OK." But like I said, he knew.  We underestimate kids this age.  They see and feel more than we know or choose to recognize. He asked again and through my tears I said, "I'm sad because something bad happened to people because someone made bad choices." He got it.  But I also assured him,"it's ok to be sad sometimes and it's ok to cry sometimes," and that today we would still have a great day with Gramma at Disney.  And with that I packed up all of my emotions and put them in the "needs attention later" pile and went about a day at the Mouse House.  He was happy and so for that I was happy.

Disney felt like a dazed dreamland of mindless happiness.  I felt the numbness settling in while we rode some rides, sought relief from the heat and ate Mickey shaped cream bars.  But on the car ride home I knew what I needed to do.  I knew I needed to focus on raising my son through the fear and anger and let him see what I had already been seeing.  I saw a community coming together in a time of crisis and pain.  I saw straight allies supporting LGBTQ brothers and sisters. I saw people showing their love and support on social media and through memorial sites.  I saw Orlando come together like never before.  And we would be part of that coming together.

Boo has the fortunate circumstance of having not only a bad ass momma (brush my shoulder off) but an amazingly talented and supportive daddy with a career in theater and close friends from all walks of life. This brought us closer together as parents. We knew we would see tough parenting moments in his life time, but we had no idea it would be like this and not so close to home.  Two single parents searching to unify our message and show everyone we stand side by side in raising a child who is solicitous about the welfare of others.   Volunteer centers were inundated with water, food, toiletries...but not children's items.  I'm a Mom! That's what I think of first...what do the children need?  How can we help the kids that have been left victimized by this? Gathering dollar store children's items and dropping them off at a donation site allowed Boo to be involved on a level he could understand and relate to. "Sharing with people who have nothing makes them feel good and happy and important and so that's what we're going to do." Hanging onto his Dad's leg bashfully as they delivered toys and coloring books and a giant stuffed Nemo, waving at volunteers, and just his presence making people smile a little bit through tears and sweat and exhaustion.  It felt like I was showing him through action that this is how you become involved, even if you're  3.

Our "modern family" chose to participate in a candlelight vigil at Lake Eola honoring the 49 victims and supporting the LGBTQ community and Orlando as a whole.  We chose to do so because we all wanted him to se what coming together means, what it looks like, smells like, feels like, sounds like.  The reality was that being there with him was overwhelmingly profound for us.  I can't speak for everyone but I was proud to have my child with me that night.  He saw all kinds of people supporting each other for no other reason than LOVE and sense of community.  For peace and to show solidarity as ONE people.  Isn't that what we want? Isn't that who we want them to be?  Good, honest, kind, loving, respectful and to stand up for their convictions?  To know that no matter who you love, you deserve love?  That's what I want for myself let alone my own child.  I don't know who he will end up being as an adult, but my hope for him that he feels safe to be the person he chooses to be and to be that person with his head held high.  By the way, the whole time we were at the vigil he thought it was a Pride event (which he is not a stranger to) and waved his glow stick and enjoyed the free rainbow Mickey sticker and lots of hugs from friends. As his parents I think we felt like we offered some service by showing people who were feeling devalued and hurt that we knew they were important and that we vowed to raise our kid to know that people, all people, are important and should be loved.

During times like this it's hard to know what to say to your children.  Too much or too little.  I wish we could have done more.  I myself felt depressed  for some time, thinking I could have or should have done more.  But this is what I have to offer the world.  Being a Mom.  There's no handbook explaining how to deal with this kind of hate and crazy for adults let alone our children. And I'm still struggling with what to say or how to say it.  I don't want to shelter him, but I also don't want him to live in fear or to feel defeated in times when all feels lost.   All I know is that children respond to action, so be active in how we raise these little guys.  Show them that compassion and kindness is the center of how your family chooses to live and they too will show the world that love back.

ALL LOVE,

W & B and our modern family

#OrlandoStrong #OrlandoUnited #OneLove