Truth Bomb: 7 Ways to Feel Sexier In The Skin You're In

Yeah, I said it…you can feel SEXY in the skin you’re in. I am a firm believer that you don’t need to be perfect (whatever that is) to be sexy. Confidence is what matters most. It’s how we carry ourselves that is most attractive. Sexy is a vibe, not a number on the scale or an immaculately contoured cheekbone. Admittedly, I’ve struggled with self-confidence in the past. A series of failed relationships and less than worthy partners will do that to even the baddest bitch, but I found my way back to my inner-Beyonce. I may not have all of my shit together but I sure as hell look like it. Show me someone who has it totally together…I’ll wait.

Just kidding. Keep reading.

It’s not my milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard…it’s my ability to prioritize myself on my long list of responsibilities. The more attention I give myself the more confident I feel. The more confident I feel the more attention I receive. Weird, huh? Being a single mother can be overwhelming at times and any parent doing their thing will admit that they have lost themselves once or twice (or more) in the minutia of school lunches and laundry, diaper changing and nightly bedtime routines. My advice: quit that shit. You’re worthy of taking a top spot on your to-do list.

Here are my seven tried and true ways to bring your sexy back:

1. Give yourself a glow up. Buff away that blah feeling with a sugar scrub and give yourself that post-vacation-without-the-debt golden goddess feel with a little self tanner. Looking good naked isn’t for anyone else but YOU!

2. Rethink your underthings. Ok, hunny. Now that your skin is poppin’ and you’ve got that glow, take a look in that underwear drawer, Granny panties for days? Busted up old drawls aren’t going to ignite any burning desires. Do yourself a solid and get yourself something pretty to put on that bangin’ body. I don’t care if you like a g-string or a tight tank and boxers. You do you. I’m a huge fan of Adore Me. They seem to have something for everyone and all body types.

3. Declutter your surroundings and find a place that is just for you. Children and partners can’t take over every aspect of your life. Toys all over the place? Get a “fuck it bucket” to store them out of the way. You’ve got to find a place that is just for you and it can’t be full of everyone else life, it needs to be available to remind you that YOU are important and special.

4. Get dressed. Save the sweat pants and crappy t-shirts for cleaning days. Get up and get dressed. Whether you work in an office, wear a uniform or are a stay at home type, getting dressed with pride can boost that self confidence. You don’t need to spend a lot look good. Try shopping resale items on Poshmark to find or refine that signature style! Use my code WENDY_MEYER for a discount.

5. Make sense of scents. From an earthy lavender essential oil to my go-to perfume, I always make sure that I smell good. There’s no denying that a certain smell can trigger emotion, so go with your mood. Remember a little bit goes a long way. you don’t want the whole room to smell you when you walk in, just the person closest to you.

6. Find your holy grail. By that I mean, find that pair of jeans that makes your ass look amazing, or that LBD that makes you say “dayum I look good.” Remember: feeling sexy in you’re clothes is about how YOU feel.

7. Have some sexy inspo. We all have someone we look up to. That’s attraction. You’re attracted to their confidence, their joie de vivre. These days I’m all about Lizzo in the headphones. I can’t think of a sexier, more confident women. Whoever you look up to just remember that YOU are THAT bitch. You are just as beautiful and just as worthy of your own self adoration and love. So do something about it.

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Truth Bomb: Modern Framily and How we Make It Work

"You all get along?" -Everyone all the time

"You go on vacations together? And how does that work?"- Everyone on social media

Trust me when I tell you that I have heard my fair share of comments and seen plenty of awkward facial expressions when I describe the close relationship I have with my son's father and step-mom.  Let me just preface this all by saying, we get it.  It's weird.  Most relationships that end don't end well.  If you have a child together that just adds some fuel to the fire.  Here's a fun little twist...lets add another adult into the mix.  It's only natural to be a bit put off by all of the gross niceness that my family displays, but honestly its other people's preconceived notations that make it weird.  We live in a society where we just expect one another to be assholes and bicker and fight to the tenth degree over every little thing. We satirize it, we make movies and sitcoms about it, but that isn't REALITY.  

As a child of divorce, I can honestly tell you that it takes a lot of calculated choices to raise kids in a co-parenting situation. My parents fought over everything.  Money, birthdays, holidays, weekends, relationships....EVERYTHING. Every momentous moment in my life held tremendous amount of anxiety and stress for me because I was afraid of how my parents would react to being in the same room with one another.  Hollywood movie magic makes that shit look funny, but when you're 11 and your parents get into a screaming argument at camp in front of everyone it can make you seriously question any and all parties sanity. It also makes you question whether or not actually HAVING moments in life where family would come together is worth it.  I think it led me to be the kind of person that never really wanted to be in the spotlight and never have attention drawn to me. Inevitably they would all the in the same room to see me and it would end in some sort of verbal altercation of epic proportions.  

In our framily, we have chosen the path less followed.  It doesn't come easy.  We ARE exes for a reason, people!  Duh.  BUT, we also have a lot invested in each other's happiness, health and wellbeing...OUR child.  Oh, yeah.  That's right.  Theres a kid involved. I think sometimes adults fail to remember that it isn't about US its about the CHILDREN.  Sometimes when I try to communicate with people about raising my son in a blended family they can't seem to realize that the end goal is to raise a well-adjusted person who feels a close connection with all of the people who love him in this world.  As his mother, I would like to provide him with the best opportunity to be a good, kind and decent MAN.  That is why he has a close bond with his father.  That is why I have embraced his step-mother as another advocate and confidant that provide a shoulder to cry on and a perspective in life to learn from.  I mean, how many times have you sat around and thought..."gee, too many people love me." NEVER.  So why wouldn't I want my son to feel endless and boundless joy and love from people who actually care how he functions in the world?  Seems like a simple answer to me, we all want our children to feel loved.  

Beyond all of the obvious, there's another component to this whole situation that I feel like people have a hard time seeing.  We call ourselves the Modern FRAMILY.  That's to say that we are not only family but we are also FRIENDS.  We genuinely care for, respect and LIKE one another.  Has this always been the case? Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes, no.  We have been through it.  My son's father and I have been to the darkest of places and back together. To be honest, there has been pain and resentment.  There has been anger and frustration, fear and fury.  It took a lot of time and communication and CHANGE to get back into the light.  We both had to make CHOICES to change and we both had to resolve to put the past where it belongs and move forward for our child.  I am not saying it's easy.  I am not saying it's possible for everyone to accomplish even a tenth of the progress we have made.  I'm not saying that how we function as a family works for everyone, in every situation, but it can be a goal.  Often I catch myself imagining what it would be like to live in all of that drama, chaos and bitterness that my parents lived in and I think about how awful that would be.  Granted, their situation was different than ours.  Every story has two sides and the truth, after all.  Doesn't mean I want to repeat that life for myself or my son.  It means I learn from what the past presented me and grow forward.  We all need to play the hand of cards we are dealt.  Even if you're holding a shitty hand, put your game face on and just think about the moves you need to make to allow your child to come out ahead.  If you're willing to double down on happiness than my suggestion is to find a way to make the relationships in your life work.   

Real talk: As single parents, both us feel pretty good about the amount of free time we get, or our abilities to live balanced lives without complete burnout.  We get nights to go out, time to go to concerts, time to pursue goals and dream and careers and all without feeling alone.  We support each other and in that support, foster an environment where we can all spend time together and TRULY enjoy it.  Fun Fact: My son's Step-Mom and I often make time to go to dinner with my son or have a girls night out just the two of us. Theres a few reasons we make the choice to do this: One, we actually like each other, so thats cool.  It's nice to feel like we have our own friendship and connection outside of my ex. Two, it allows for my son to see a united front between all of us and shows him that I trust her, and therefore, so should he.  That's important because I want him to feel like she is there to disclose his emotions so that she, too, can be there to work through the hard times and the happy times when his Dad and I can't physically be there.  Like I said, you can't have too much love.  And three, my life is a lot easier knowing that I have someone to advocate to my ex for ME sometimes too.  Although we are very close, he is also him and I am also me.  She knows us both and knows how to talk to her partner in ways I just don't or can't  or sometime just won't, because we aren't a sitcom or a movie...we are real people with real emotions and real reactions to life sometimes and we all have our supreme dickhead moments...even me (or should I say, especially me? I don't know...don't answer that one.) 

I only have a few tips on how we made it happen and maybe they can help you, too:

1. Get over yourself.  YOUR issues are yours. You have to work those out.  Go to therapy  Talk it out. Find the root causes of your struggles and make the CHOICE to make your life better.  It frees up your heart to be more open to a fuller family dynamic.  

2. Talk to each other.  Don't text.  Sit down and talk to the co-parent and step parent.  Set boundaries.  Set expectations.  Allow them to express their anxieties.  Actually HEAR them and allow them to HEAR you.  Words are important but so is actually seeing someones facial expressions and body language.  You can often pick up more than you realize.  We do a monthly "parents only dinner." A lot gets discussed.  A lot of plans get formulated and a lot of resolutions are made during these dinners. We also laugh a lot and trade ridiculous stories of parenting, so that's a bonus.  

3. Make this core group of you and your child or children the top priority.  These are your people.  Holidays, birthdays, special occasions...these are the people that will be there with you and these are the people you should make the sole focus of these moments.  If you guys are cool, everyone else will follow suit.  

Yes, we do school events together.  Yes, we take the time to go to dinner alone and just as parents to catch up on what is going on with our son.  Yes, we try to go on little vacations and outings together.  Yes, sometimes it's just me and the step-momma. And YES, we all get along.  No, we aren't weird.  No, we aren't perfect.  Its hard work to parent.  It's hard work to co-parent.  But it's an easy decision to choose to create a family (or FRAMILY) for the betterment of our child. 

Truth Bomb: It's Not You, It's Me...and I'm OK With That

There comes a point in your life when you have to stand up and take ownership of your baggage. So I will do that right here, today, for all of you.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I hurt people with my words and actions.  I don't handle every situation as diplomatically as I should.  And, here's the big one... I'm pretty fucked up.  It's not you, it's ME.  It's how I have survived the hurt, the betrayal, the pain that others before you have inflicted, the fact that many of my issues are that of my own bad decision making and all of these things are now just part of who I am, deep in my core.  I've tried to unpack the baggage, to put it away.  I've tried to sort the issues and burn the subscriptions to the crazy.  I've desperately tried (and failed) to run from if all and start over, but in the end they always find their way back to me.  But here's the other thing about all of this...I am tired of apologizing for it.  Does anyone really want to be unhappy, or lonely, or burdened like this? NO! At least I have the balls to own it all and wear it on my sleeve. 

Walls aren't built overnight, or haphazardly.  They are built over time and with deliberate care.  Each painful issue balanced ever so delicately upon the next and with careful consideration as to where they're placed.  Fitting together like a puzzle to create a barrier to the softest and most vulnerable parts of who I am and what is available to you.  When a part of that wall is prudently removed to let someone in or to open up to an experience it is done so with fear and anxiety.  It does happen.  It happens more often than it probably should, too.  Those are the moments in life when we learn the most about who we are and what we can handle.  If I am met with disappointment and conflict it's a given that the wall goes back up, but not without first knowing that I was better off having been assailable, ultimately hurt and having survived to be that much more aware of my faults. I can't stop living or loving or being a human being.  

I have never claimed to be perfect.  In fact, if you have met me or read this blog it's fair to say that I come off as self-deprecating, less than confident and awkward as hell. I don't always say the right things, and sometimes that's conceived as hurtful or mean.  It's not my intention, but I also don't exactly know how to convey the feelings I have inside of me.  I've never been great at that.  My older sibling was always the one with the moxie to say exactly what was on his mind. My own mother is outspoken and strong-willed and a no-nonsense type of person.  Not me.  I just shut my mouth and took what was coming at me.  In my thirty-something years I have learned to swallow A LOT OF BULLSHIT.  I have always had a tendency to let people walk all over me, to laugh off things that they say that actually hurt me. I've become a master at hiding the overly sensitive and detrimentally empathetic part of myself that feels every feeling with the intensity of a thousand suns, only to come across as hard and cold and cynical.  I did that to myself.  Its no one else's fault.  I created that coping mechanism, and I have never said it's the healthiest thing to do, nor has it always worked.  Some see right through the facade, to the person that I really am.  Some don't bother to look at all and move on.  Some are so used to it that they accept it, and me, and love me anyways.  It's the latter that literally gets me through most of my days.  For those people I am loyal, fiercely protective, love with every fiber of my being, and appreciate more than words could ever really describe, and even with all of that...sometimes I'm still an asshole.  

So there you have it.  I confess.  I'm not perfect, but I am trying to be better, do better and to get rid some of these heavy rocks in my pockets so the I can learn to float and feel free.  I won't accept "this is the best I can do" from myself.  I know that I can do better. But I am not here to offer an apology for who I am or what I have been through. This is not an admission of self loathing, in fact, it's the opposite.  This is an acknowledgment of things that I do or have done that I want to change and that have made great efforts to see beyond and try to move forward with patience and self-love..  I am not a bad person, I am a NORMAL person.  I am not a package that is damaged beyond repair, but one that is constantly trying to evolve and grow.  I am a flawed woman with kindness and caring to share.  There are a lot of things about me that I have learned to embrace and you should too: I'm a bad dancer, I only wear black, I barely ever brush my hair, I cry at animal videos on Facebook, I drive like an old woman, I am terrible at math and I overcook the rice eight times out of ten...I AM NOT PERFECT NOR DO I ASPIRE TO BE SOME VERSION OF THAT. I am who I am and I am worthy of love, acceptance, understanding and value. So, now that I have said all of this I can feel confident in moving forward...  Cue MJ's Man In The Mirror.  

Truth Bomb: When you want to "Live, Laugh, Love" But...

Live.  Laugh. Love.  Seems simple, right? Well, I'm sure for some people it is.  It sounds lovely.  Its a goal to aspire to, for sure.  But if you live with anxiety, its damn near impossible.  I just thought I would share some of my struggles with letting go and trying to live a "normal" life dealing with anxiety.  

Most people don't really know what it is, so heres how I see it.  Basically, anxiety is the desire to do something but with overwhelming feelings of uneasiness and worry.  Doesn't seem that bad, right? Everyone has moments of anxiety.  But some of us just battle this dragon daily. Trying new things? Nope. Going someplace where you don't know anyone? Nope. Talking to new people? AHHH!!! People with anxiety play over and over in their heads what they have said, how they said it, and if they said it in. way that made no sense at all. We hear what you said and we worry maybe you don't like us, we worry we may come off like we don't like you.  We're human, so of course we don't communicate perfectly all of the time and it kills us. We will stress out that we have said all the wrong things. So see what I mean? Trying to be happy is a legit daily struggle.  Anxiety pushes people away.  It isolates you.  It causes you to look like a complete asshole, but you're really just afraid to open up and be vulnerable in any and all situations.  It's not that we don't want real human interaction, but people with anxiety are afraid of what happens next. What happens if we catch feelings? Now what? What happens if we don't know whats going to happen? Seems crazy.  And it is. It feels like crazy. Its awful, but I think people need to understand the DESIRE to want to be different and easy going and not nervous is there.  We just need a little help calming our brains down a bit to loosen up and live a little.  

I don't know about most people, but I know where mine comes from.  Emotional Trauma.  I'd say finding out my husband was cheating on me for half of our three year marriage was the beginning of the anxious feelings.  Then, just to pile on to that, a chaotic relationship coupled with pregnancy and my partners struggle with his own depression and self medication during the scariest time of our lives probably didn't help ease my anxiety at all.  After I had my son I just knew I had that overwhelming sense of fear of the unknown.  Well, anyone with kids knows nothing is easy, everything is chaos and everything is terrifying for the first time.  Just to add to all of those "Mommy Anxiety" I had a horrible break-up, and the feelings of utter relationship failure and fear of being alone and a single-mother basically just broke me.  I felt like a shell of a person.  On the outside everything was smiles and sunshine, but on the inside it feels a lot like drowning but with no one holding you under.  Think, being stuck in a rip tide in the ocean. You're just swimming along and all of a sudden your bathing suit is being shoved up your ass and a boob is out and you're sucking in water by the gallon and you only have yourself to blame for all of it because you know you shouldn't have swam out so far with all of the red flags waving in the wind.  

The living part is hard, but doable.  I've worked on getting to know myself but it's still not enough.  The trauma is still there.  The anxiety still takes hold of me some days and steers the crazy train.  Not everyday, not every decision, but some and it sucks.  I'm not the best at making new "mom friends", taking my son to places with new people or crowds it tough, but I do it for him. He shouldn't live a sheltered life because I'm afraid of what is going to happen or might happen or probably won't happen but its just there I'm my head nagging me that it might happen.   And honestly once I do try something new it feels good and empowering and I make the effort to do it again and again and each time it gets easier. Its not that people with anxiety can't live happy, healthy, productive lives.  We just struggle with an inner dialogue that we are pretty sure no one else can relate to.  We can be happy.  We can chill the F*&% out and enjoy life.  But its difficult, thats all we need you to understand.  

The laughing part is easy, but it also masks the anxiety.  Its tricky like that.  I can laugh about it.  I can laugh about myself and I can always just make everything a joke.  Its one of my coping mechanisms.  If I make a joke of it, and laugh about it or how ridiculous I am being, it seems to ease other people and makes me break down some of my own walls and break that guarded cycle of always trying to protect myself from people getting too close.  Letting people in is ok if we are laughing. Under the jokes just know a part of me is screaming "just go back home to your couch and the Golden Girls marathon!!"  But if I'm there and we're cry-laughing about something totally hilarious that means I'm invested. I'm not fighting the urges to isolate and I'm enjoying the moments with you.  That's huge for me.  Know that.  

The loving part is the hardest.  It seems impossible, but I want it so badly. Not just any kind of love but the kind of love that challenges me to be better, do better and to not run away to the couch and the Golden Girls.  It's easy to love my son. But, real talk, I am a total "smother mother" but that's a whole different Blog Post.  Love for him comes from somewhere thats is untouched by any other person.  It comes from an unconditional connection to someone who I made and who makes me want more out of life.  It's the other love that scary and terrifying and constantly feel uneasy and unsure of myself and if I am capable of being complete again.  You see, after all that has happened to me a piece of me heart went missing and anxiety filled it.  Replacing that with the unconditional love of another feels like uncharted territory.  I've never had that before.  There's always been conditions, stipulations, requirements for me to be something.  The perfect wife or the rescuer, the caretaker or the one who holds it all together.  Really loving someone isn't placing conditions on them.  It's just the opposite.  It's loving who they are, good, bad, or ugly...and with me there feels like a lot more bad and ugly than good sometimes.  That's what pushes people away.  Anxiety can make all of the good emotions mix with all of the nervousness and when someone special takes your heart in their hands it feels like someone has put a lid on a bottle and shaken it up.  Those emotions are all over the place. The  thing that was holding you together all of this time, CONTROL, is suddenly out the window and your left just out there and exposed.  Don't get me wrong, thats a good thing.  Thats what life is about.  Finding that is what we all want. It just seems harder for me.  I'm trying.  All I can do is try.  Try to be open, to share those feelings or fear, try to remember that not everyone wants to hurt me, and try to put those feelings of worry and dormant hurt into the baggage and leave them at the door and walk through the threshold of a new life with new feelings of love that can replace the negative. As much as you may think that you've done that, that you've conquered that ...its not until you're really faced with reality that you can say "ok, let's do this." Its not that I'm not ready for love, a relationship or deep feelings for someone. I am.  I know I can do it and I know the person who lets me is the right one for me.  It's going to hurt, and be messy and be hard sometimes but if I don't let that happen then the anxiety wins...and I'm not a loser.  I don't like to let something like that beat me.  I won't let it.  I just have to trust and the right one will trust that I'm trusting them with it all.  

If we breakdown in front of you, thats because we finally feel like its all coming to a head and instead of sweeping those feelings under the rug we are letting them out.  We probably will communicate poorly during this because emotions aren't easily verbalized at this point.  Its just a all vomiting out and we're powerless to it all because we have stopped holding on with such a tight grip.  Its not a bad thing.  Its actually good. We won't do this for just anyone, we just don't show our cards like that.  It's ok.  Just be patient, when we can get let it out it just means we're closer and closer to leaving it all behind and giving you the whole person we want to be.   It's something we can't help feeling.  It's a part of us, and as much as I don't want it, its there and we're trying my best to deal with it all.  

It's so hard to put into words the way anxiety and emotional trauma can affect someone.  I hope this paints a picture of what it's like.  Not just for me but for the people who love me and are in my life.  They need to know it's not them.

I am swimming away from the rip tide, I've pulled my swim suit from my ass, and I am keeping my head above water... and to all of those people who love me as I am, you are my life preserver.

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Birthday Truth Bomb: 37 to Zero and My Decision to Stop Living My Life By The Numbers

Today is my birthday.  I'm Turing 37.  It's not a monumental birthday for most people, but it is for me.   Today I am owning up to something I have been thinking about for a LONG time and deciding not to live my life by the numbers anymore.  So, I am 37. What the hell does that even mean? Am I supposed to feel old? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled and contented to be 'middle aged?' I don't feel that way at all.  In fact I feel like my age is reversing! It's taken me 37 years to self actualize on some serious shit and today I feel like sharing it with all of you.  

I am happier than I was when I was 27.  That was the year I got married.  A horrible decision to try to hold on to an idea of what I thought a twenty-something was 'supposed to do.' Take it from me.  Don't let age dictate your actions.  Trust your gut. One divorce later and I can say I am much more appreciative of myself and who I am.  Now, that I really think about it 17 wasn't even that "happy."  Who is happy in high school? It's awful. I was awkward, and nerdy, and didn't fit in anywhere.  I was so ready to leave my small town to get away from all of the things I thought were holding me back and weighing me down that I just rushed through those teenage years.  I so desperately just wanted to be an adult. Now that I am an 'actual adult' things haven't really changed...mentally still feel 17! Dance in my underwear to TLC and think back on days when I was thinner, less wrinkled, unsure, unaware of my own power and I thank the universe I have had so many years to discover that all of that wonderful inside of me has always been there.  Always.  

I am single...as in "table for one please" and "one-ticket-to-the-latest-horrible- rom-com-'cause-I-don't-have-anyone-to-worry-about-complaining-through-the-whole-movie" single.  Sounds nice, right? Yeah.  It's ok for a while, but its been 4 years and I am still alone and I am starting to think I may be stuck like this, but I have to keep reminding myself that it took 10 years in miserable relationships to get to the point where I began to put myself first.  No rush.  Putting my own needs at the top of the priority list is what's most important these days.  

So here I am, looking in the mirror and this is what I see: 

I am 37, a size 16, run 5 miles 4 days a week, gave birth to 1 kid 4 years ago after 22 hours of labor. Now I am a single mom with some extra weight on her frame but can bench 115 pounds.  I have spent 20 years hiding in a 1 piece bathing suit and eating 1200 calories a day, less than 20 grams of carbs a day, to try to fit into a image that just isn't attainable because as much as I try I can barely get that number on the scale below 190.  I'm over it.  I am ready to be free of the numbers.  I feel young, I feel healthy, I feel motivated, and I feel grateful. Some places on my body may jiggle when I walk or dance and I may have a wrinkle or two when I smile, but I am finally smiling. I may eat a carb or have an actual meal and not feel guilty. I may have fewer friends but the ones I have are quality individuals who have helped carry me through 17 years of strife and struggle. And I may be flying solo on date nights, but I am worthy.  Worthy of happiness, of love, of kindness, of compliments, and of feeling as beautiful inside and out than anyone else.   For the first time in my life I can put on a 2 piece bathing suit, lift my hands to the sky and say "This is me! I am 37 and giving ZERO Fucks!"

Truth Bomb: Why I Am Perfectly OK with NOT being 100% "Happy"

I know it sounds cynical and honestly probably a little rude and off-putting to say this, but I am perfectly OK with not being 100% "happy" all of the time.  It's too much pressure.  As a single parent, I think I have enough stuff to worry about, so why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of happy, too?  The definition of said state of being reads "showing pleasure or contentment." I can do content.  What I can't do is deal with the fact that everywhere I turn, someone or something is telling me I HAVE to be HAPPY.  Why? I am so much more than that.  I have emotions well beyond just that one.  I live a complicated life with ups and downs.  Do I feel happiness? YES, of course I do!!  I feel joyful, and silly and blessed a lot of the time.  But I also am here to be as honest and transparent as I can be in regards to life, parenting and all that I am as a woman raising a son.  I started this blog as an attempt to share tips and tricks of single parenting.  It has evolved into my own way of expressing my real truth.  So here I am, being perfectly frank with all of you.  I don't want to be "happy" all of the time.  What I want is to be free to feel my emotions.  To own them.  To grow from them.  To to express them, and to not hide who I really am under a fake smile and cheerful disposition.  I did that for a long time.  In a marriage, in relationships, in work and even in parenting.  It did me no good.  I lost who I really was for the sake of making everyone else feel comfortable.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want people to know me, not an idea of what inspirational Pinterest quotes tell me I should be.

I have great days where everything comes together and no one is injured, the house is clean, the laundry actually gets past the folded stage and gets put into drawers, the kid ate a vegetable and I feel genuinely good and peaceful.  But, not every day is like that. Some days are horrible and nothing comes together and we're late to school, he bumps his head, the dog pissed on the rug and forget about laundry....we're lucky if we're wearing pants at all.  Those days I feel defeated, tired, lonely, frustrated or maybe even just sad.  Fun Fact: one definition of sad is "pathetically inadequate or unfashionable." Yo! That describes parenting to a T!

There are moments in a sad day that are happy.  Those moments, for me, outweigh any whole day of happiness because what can bring me out of the dark and into the light is truly special and genuine, unique and real.   When the kiddo just says "I love you, Mom" for no reason at all, or you get a text from your bestie that makes your smile, when you look down at a sleeping, sweet-faced child and know you all actually survived another day and that they, your children, are actually 100% happy.  That's really what matters to me.

So, there it is. My Mom confession.  I am perfectly OK with not being 100% happy, because all of the other emotions that I feel make up the person I am and are born out of the wonderfully complex life that I live.  Real Talk.

My Parenting Bucket List

I think it's really important to not only have goals and ambitions in life to check off your ultimate bucket list, but also having a "parenting bucket list" for all of the things you hope to achieve with these little humans we're raising.  Here's my list, some things have been checked off the list, some have not, and some are a constant work in progress. 1. Create a garden.  I think it's important to teach Boo the importance of caring for living things and the circle of life through planting seeds and watching them grow.  The opportunity to harvest the veggies, and ultimately eat them (I hope...crossing fingers) is a special lesson in how wonderful life really can be.

2. Watch him perform on stage.  My insecurities have held me back a lot in my life from feeling fully free to be who I am. I want to see him be uninhabited by fear and really let his freak flag fly! I only wish I was that brave as a child.

3. Go camping.  Because much of our life is controlling messes and chaos, I want to go just be out there in the world with him and the dirt and natures and not feel the need to constantly control his urge to get dirty and just be human and explore nature.

4. Travel somewhere exotic.  I want to see things I have never seen with him, experience culture I've never experienced by his side and eat foods I never imagined existed while giggling with anticipation and a hint of hesitation.  We see so many of their firsts, I guess I just don't want that feeling to ever go away.

5. Stand up for what we believe in together.  When he finds a cause, I will champion it. When he finds a passion, I will support it, when he feels like someone is wronged and stands up for his convictions, I will stand beside him.  I want him to know his values are my values and I believe in his heart and spirit.

6. Find a common interest and practice that together weekly. Maybe we both like painting, or cooking new recipes, fishing, or playing the ukulele...whatever it is that we both really love, I want to share that with him so he has those memories forever. That once a week we did "our thing."

7. Make a complete ass of myself for his own enjoyment.  I want him to know that even though as adult we can be crazy insecure and create walls around themselves I am able to get passed those things just for him. Because that's how much I love him...I would be willing to make a complete spectacle of myself just so he laughed.

8. Make our own family traditions.  Just because our family is different and small won't mean that it's lacking in traditions or customs.  I want him to know the uniqueness of our lives together and how special that will be for him as he grows older.

9. Listen to him.  I mean really listen and teach him to really listen to me, and others.  Seems simple, but it's not.  We are so busy most of the time that I have to ask myself, "am I really listening and hearing what he's saying to me?" I want him to know that I am, and I want to know that he hears me too. Every once in a blue moon I do have something profound so say.

10.  Stay up all night and watch the sunrise.  Everyday brings something new and I want him to know that I will be here for all of it.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The dark times and the light.

Use The Force: The Padawan Parent

As a huge 'fan girl' and a Mom of a 'little rebel' (see what I did there?) I must admit that a huge portion of my life revolves around Star Wars.  I blame my older brother and my mom. They ruined me for life.  The object of my geeky fan obsession grew into a model for how I would be handling motherhood.  As I have grown into my own as a parent I have come to realize much of this life is about learning to be Jedi AF.  Much like Master Yoda and Luke Skywalker, it doesn't matter how late you enter the game you will struggle, and that is how you will learn. The Force will be with you.  Trust me.

Padawan Phase: This is the Jedi Parent in training. During that first year everyone goes through the ups and downs of learning what to actually do with your youngling.  These are the times when everyday brings something new to learn and through those lessons you become more and more "force sensitive." Don't worry.  You will get the hang of it, but in the moment it all seems like foreign territory.  You'll be peed on, pooped on, and barfed on, and to make it really awesome, probably all of those at once while at Target or some really special family occasion. The first time this happens you will undoubtedly freak out.  It's ok, we all do it.  I know it seems like other parents have it all handled; they seem to have it all under control.  Here's a secret, they didn't the first time. Real Talk: No one really has it all together, we are just more prepared now. We can sense the dark side because it's all too familiar at this point.

I had a Padawan moment pretty early on.  I needed to go run some errands with him in tow.  He seemed fussy, but I figured it was gas.  I was told to rub his back and pat him gently if he had gas and constipation (which he did) so I rubbed, as instructed by some Jedi baby nurse...but she failed to tell me to beware of projectile poop.  My beautiful little rebel shat all over me, the carrier, his baby blanket, and somehow it even ended up in the diaper bag. The only lucky thing about this situation was that it was in the parking lot of Whole Foods, not actually in the store.  I was able to quickly change him and get him somewhat cleaned up...but I drove home with baby poop all over ME.  Good times.  I thought he had exploded like the Death Star, and we both smelled more like a dead Tan-Tan. Needless to say, I haven't left my house without a full change of clothing for both of us in the car for three and a half years!

These youglings don't just come to us with a handbook, nor does any really hand you a your child and say "I'll be here 24/7, just in case you need me, and I will teach you everything you need to know and hold your hand the entire time."  Reality check! That doesn't happen!! This is, however, the point in your training to learn to rely on your Master-Padawan relationships and learn from your friends and family...cause they have been in the battle and they know their skills. Get to know other parents with older children, lean on family, and have a group that you can trade tips with, even online support like FB groups have helped me in the past.

Padawan Parents, you will be forced out of your comfort zone, made to endure things you never thought you would do. You will have to let down your guard and be willing to admit you need help.  It's totally normal.  None of us know what the hell we got ourselves into for the first year or so. (If someone tells you different, they're lying!!) Try to remember, this is also the parenting phase when all of the amazing firsts happen.  First smile, first tooth, first awkward roll and clumsy crawl, first giggles and babbles will melt your heart.  It's all a balance of wonderfully excellent, beautiful, terrifyingly awful and very, very gross...all in one.

There are  levels to this whole deal.  Just when you think you have Padawan phase on lock, you graduate to "Jedi" and then the struggle gets real...

Keep following me for the next in this series The Jedi Parent.

Do Yourself a Solid: 5 Ways to Stay Sane as a Single Mom

Momlife is crazy.  There are some days I just want to throw my hands up and say "whatever." I mean, I don't, because there is a long list of crap that needs done and I am not about to sacrifice my alone time to do it all. I have definitely been told I have OCD and that I put too much emphasis on making sure I live an orderly life, but I don't (and my child doesn't) thrive in chaos.  As a single mom, sometimes I get mired down in the minutiae and I find myself overwhelmed.  I don't have a partner to turn to and say," you do X Y Z and I'll take a shower." That's not my reality.  It may not be your reality either.  I just thought that I would share some ways I try to manage all of the little things in an enormous effort to keep my own sanity on the daily.  

1. Keep a tight schedule.  Plan, plan and replan the week.  Keep a routine during the day (which you're probably doing anyways, but trust...routine with kids is KEY to survival.) Also, I keep an updated calendar, not only for myself but I make everyone who is involved in our life contribute their stuff to the calendar too...including but not limited to Grandma, babysitters, B's Dad, even B's Dad's girlfriend! This makes it easier for me to be able to reach out for help when I need some.  Every detail is in there.  Soccer, school, curriculum nights, reading days for kiddos class, birthday parties, possible evening events you'll need a sitter for and more can be divided up (if possible) but also remember this: YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL.  Sometimes you're going to have to say NO.  It's ok.  If it works for your schedule, go for it.  If not, send a polite text declining the invite to the said event and move on with your life.  It's busy enough.

2. Keep the house straightened up.  I try to get my son to help out where he can.  Night time is the best time to get this done.  You'll see that starting the day with the house in order will keep things organized. I put my dishwasher on the delay setting so that it washed the load of dishes overnight.  Pack lunches for the next day, lay out school clothes and check backpacks during bath-time if at all possible.   Pick up toys and put them away and HAVE YOUR CHILD HELP! We have started a three toy rule at my house and it's working out pretty good.  I told him he can have 3 toys out at a time, but after that we have to put some away.  After bath-time wipe down the bathroom. Gather all laundry every night and sort.  I do a load a day and I know that sounds insane but it helps me from keeping the mountains from forming and small loads are easier to fold and put away than larger ones. I do my BIG clean every Friday.  Weekends should be spent having fun! The key here is to stay on top of things and don't let the house get crazy...ever! If you're a slob and you know it...it's time to change your ways, like NOW.  Trust.

3. Have a support system.  I have a babysitter, baby daddy and my mom to help when I need it.  It's totally worth it.  If you don't have those people, I get it, I really do.  BUT it's paramount that you find people in your life to become your "village." Seek out and find other moms, aunties, best friends...shit...hire help if you need to, but get some help for yourself and your child.

4. Declutter, and I ain't talkin' about the cupboards.  It's time to re-evaluate your life, sister.  Are you spreading yourself too thin? Maybe! Big stuff, little stuff...it all makes a difference. Personally, I decided to give up dating.  It takes up more time than I want to be away from my own life and my child.  I totally understand that this isn't for everyone, but for me it was cluttering up my life.  I also decline most events these days unless it's an opportunity for growth and connections with people who make my life more rewarding! Think quality...not quantity.  You may find yourself spending too much time on friend/family drama, social media bullshit, work squabbles, and the like as yourself "Why?" For what reason? Stand back from it for a week and really ask yourself if the people in your life are adding to your crazy or if they're truly around to support you as a parent and a person.  I have had to get rid of a lot of relationships in my life, and it's very sad and can be lonely at times, but I know that piling on the baggage will get me nowhere.

5. You do you.  Lately I have seen so many ways that social media is allowing moms (particularly single mothers) to be pitted against each other in some war for perfection.  No! Stop! Be open to positive changes to allow some light into your very stressful life, but don't think we all have to be Super Mom! It's setting yourself up on for failure.  Don't waste your time thinking that you can be soccer mom/room mom/ working mom/ crafty mom...or whatever.  Real talk: I don't do ANY of that shit!! I only do what I know I can commit to and execute wholeheartedly. Seriously, I hate to admit how uninvolved I am sometimes, because I know it sounds a bit lazy, but I can only do so much and a lot of my time is focused elsewhere.  Being selfish sometimes isn't a bad thing...it means you're HUMAN!

You got this, Momma...

Truth Bomb: Mom-Shaming

Mom-Shaming is like a sickness. Take something beautiful and corrupt it with words that decay the very thing we love. What's up with all the negative these days? I have a kid. SO WHAT?  He's topic of a lot of my conversations and generally the highlight of what's going on in my life. But when others make the choice to Mom-shame, wether it be other mothers or childless acquaintances, it shows the gross disrespect for what it takes to be a parent. You think any of this is easy? It's not. The general attitude these days is so negative. Maybe it's the political climate or the economy, or maybe I just know a bunch of assholes. I don't know what the answer is but let me list some observations of Mom-Shaming and maybe you will get the idea of what we're working with:

The Childless Life Expert: The person with no children who thinks and says everything that comes to their mind, even when it's A) extremely wrong B) extremely offensive or C) unsolicited commentary on how you live your life. Yes I have a child and am a devoted parent. No, I don't live my life as carefree and reckless as I used to. Yes, it is a lot to deal with. No, I don't hate my life...so stop insinuating that I do. It's like this: when I leave the house to socialize (sans kiddo) I need that time away. I liken it to how you feel when you get out of work or finish a big project. We just need a break. It recharges the batteries but when people say such things as "thank God I don't have kids...that must suck" or "you need to get out more, that must suck" I want to run back home to my child...who, by the way, I have left and given up valuable time with. Let's face it, you're not being cool or sound intelligent when you say this...you're just a dick.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I'm not human.  I miss hanging out at the bar til the morning hours, movies whenever I want and eating at great restaurants that don't have an animatronic band and serve shitty pizza. I respect the fact that a lot of people I know have chosen not to have children. That's great. That's not my life but I appreciate yours. When you shame me it hurts, and that's the truth.

The Relatively Annoying Shamer: This is a relative (like, for example, a mother-in-law) that judges and comments on every parental move you make.  The little digs, the persistent side-eye, or the flat-out ignoring of your rules...you become like a ticking time bomb.  All parents appreciate advice when we need it, but when the relative in question disrespects your authority every time  you step through their door it puts distance where the distance doesn't need to be.  When this happens, do yourself a favor and nip it in the bud.  A respectful, "I appreciate all of your advice and thoughtful consideration of our child, but please remember to adhere to my rules so that we present a unified front and create a cohesive family unit."  You're the parent and what you say goes, and that's the truth...Sometimes Granny has to back the hell up.

The FB Shamer: Yes I have a child and I post about said tiny person on social media.  I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent.  If I hear you say one more time "do you post enough pictures of your kid, I mean geez," followed by an eye roll Someone better hold me back.  I will come across the room and put you into time out or put soap in your mouth. You must spend too much time with the "Childless Life Expert" (aka DICK) that I mentioned above.  How dare you think that your opinion on what I post to social media regarding my child is a place for you to shame me? You post your stuff and I'll post mine but please...leave your judgment for politics and poor fashion sense.  I think my kid is adorable and that's the truth, so deal with it or unfollow me.

The Mom-On-Mom Shame: This is when one Mom shames another Mom/Parent. The worst offense of them all, I believe, because you should know what we're all going through. It's hard enough without having another Mom commenting on your choices as a parent. We all have the same end goal. Survival. So why do we feel like we need to judge one another on how we choose to raise our kid. Listen, he's mine...not yours. So if I don't choose to breastfeed my child until he's 4 or he's not speaking Mandarin in his after school oboe lessons; if he happens to eat a happy meal once in a blue moon or doesn't live off of wheatgrass and barely, it's our choice and by any stretch of the imagination is he going to grow up any less loved or cherished than anyone else's child. I am thankful with every sunrise and sunset for a happy, healthy child. I know some people cannot say the same, so shame on US ALL for this type of preconceived notion that what works for us should be the way everyone else does this parenting thing. The truth is NONE of us are really doing it ALL correctly.

If you're finding yourself in one or all of the categories (remember: to be honest, I have totally been guilty of one or all of these at some point so I'm speaking from experience) please reconsider what seems like no big deal to you, but is actually a huge problem.  It's hard enough to be a parent, but it's even harder to feel isolated from friends and society.  Being a parent is just a part of who I am.  My interests are diverse and expand beyond poopy-diaper discussions.  At the end of the day all that I want is to raise a happy and well-rounded child, and you want me to raise a happy and well-rounded child, so stop shaming and start supporting cause this shit ain't easy...#truthbomb.