Tears, Laughs and Mini-Heart Attacks: 20 Real Confessions from a Single Mom

Warning: This post contains real confessions from my parenting experience.  Not all of them funny or the happiest moments of my life, but all of them real and raw and HONEST. 

1. I have been known to flip my son "the bird" behind his back if he's acting like a little monster.
2. I will be honest, pregnancy was pretty easy for me.  I didn't gain too much weight, or have weird cravings, or get hemorrhoids or stretch marks.  I did, however, gain a new sense of anxiety that has never left me.  At times the anxiety can be paralyzing.  I don't like taking my son into crowds because too many people scare me.  Driving has reached grandma level over-cautiousness.  And anything like foods or medicines that don't meet some  majorly overwhelming standard I have created in my head are outlawed.  There are lists upon lists of things that I just can't even when it comes to my child.  Am I weird? No. Is that normal? Yes.  Does it feel like my fears are weird and abnormal? Completely.
3. If my son gets a bad report from the teacher, I take it way too personally.
4. Don't get me wrong...all kids are a blessing. That being said, I don't like all children.  Some are creepy.
5. I'm grateful to Steve Jobs and everyone at Apple for inventing the iPad...
6. The first time my son spent the night with someone else while I wasn't there felt like someone ripped out my heart and split it in half.  One half was happy and felt free, the other half felt lonely and empty and guilty.  What is that about? He should be with the people who love him! But me? I just felt a deep sense of conflict and heartbreak.  It has since healed a bit, but I don't think I'll ever feel 100% ok with not sleeping in the next room or right next to him all night, every night.  I often cry when he's not there.
7. As if I'm not conflicted about the above enough...I dream of taking a vacation...ALONE.  I mean, I never will, but a girl can have a dream (or a whole secret Pinterest Board about it), amiright?
8. I cannot stand the other parents at school sometimes...hence, the fact that I don't have many friends.  Very few people annoy me these days.
9. Once my son fell off of the bed and got a goose egg on his head... I almost had a heart attack.  It took me months to feel like a good mom again.  Months.  It was awful.
10. I would be happy if I never went back to work ever again and spent my days writing this blog and creating. Confession: I have a Master's Degree that I feel guilty for wasting.
11. I have control issues when it comes to parenting and if everyone isn't doing everything my way I get seriously irritated. Not everyone can do what I do.  Not everyone should. His Dad should do things his way, as long as we have a unified front and core values as a family.  But, in the effort to be totally transparent, I feel like I have been the one doing the work for so long that everyone should do what I say.  I hate that about me. It's annoying and unnecessary but it's completely honest and true.  Do I express that often? No.  I'm careful and I pick my battles.
12. I spoil my kid.  I buy him way too much.  I pray I'm not creating a monster, but I like buying him things.
13. Also, related to the above...toys are good bribery.  Just sayin'.
14. I took up running and the gym as a way to process my emotions, not to get healthy.  I cry a lot at the gym.
15. I have lost friends over parenting.  If you're cool, but your kid is a total nightmare to be around...we can't be friends.  Real Talk.  Sorry.
16. I have parked in the handicapped parking space at school when no other spaces are available for drop-off.  I know...I'm a horrible person.
17. I get excited when I don't have to make dinner for my son so someone else can stress over his nutrition and picky eating a few times a week.
18. I forget to brush my sons teeth at night at least 2-3 times a week.  Thank goodness these aren't permanent.
19. I have never clipped my son's toenails.  I can't explain it.  I have literally never had to and its a mystery to me.  I just go with it.
20. People often say that they admire me for being a single mom, but that doesn't make me feel good.  I didn't plan things this way.  This is how it all played out.  I made conscious decisions that led me to being a single parent.  None of them easy.  Some days I still feel the wounds that got our family here and it hurts.  I am not a hero because I'm a single parent.

Why Answering "Why" Is So Important

When you're elbows deep in cooking, dishes, feeding the dog, wiping up some strange mess, packing lunches and sorting the recycling then, your kiddo looks at you and asks "why" every five seconds. It seems easy to just simply retort "because I said so" or "I don't know." I get it.  I feel like I live in this space constantly, but I decided a long time ago not to cheat him out of the answers he looking for just because either I'm overwhelmed or can literally say I just don't know the answer to the questions he's asking.  He deserves more than that. Actually, we both do.  "Why can't I jump off the roof?" Answer them honestly.  "Why can't I eat candy at night?" Answer them honestly. These questions are about safety or respect and boundaries and we all have them and we all need to be answered honestly when we have questions.  All of us.   Now I'm not implying my son is some sort of prodigy or genius or any of that, but his "why" questions have gotten quite deep lately.  I'm taking this opportunity to listen, to REALLY listen and to try my best to get where he's coming from.  Do we really know who our children are? We think we know who they are. We created and raise them and so we think that gives us some automatic insight into who and what these tiny humans are all about...but are we right? DO WE REALLY KNOW? Or are we just assuming we know.

I was prepared to answer "why the boys have a penis and girls don't", or "why he can't use the F-Word at Target",  or even "why Mommy bleeds when she pees sometimes."(Yup, I've been asked all of those at the most in opportune times...like in line at the movies, or just before hearing the specials at A niceish restaurant filled with people.)  I wasn't prepared to answer questions I had never thought of before...like "Why did Tim Burton write Nightmare Before Christmas?" Or "Why George Lucas create Star Wars?" Or the best yet "Why do brains help me use my imagination? What makes brains work?" I'll be honest.  It takes a while to explain things, and for the most part I have to google or ask Siri A LOT of questions.  I'm totally OK with my child knowing that I don't know everything.  It's the truth, its honest.  If he knew that I knew everything he would stop trying to know things.  He would assume it just all comes with growing up.  IT DOESN'T! His search for knowledge is my search.  His imagination is helping me use mine.  His creativity is sparking my creativity.  That's the journey here, folks.  This is what all those "Whys" and "What does this do" questions are all about.  Growing, learning, changing, testing their knowledge.

If they ask you a question try.  I know that sometimes it's hard and we get busy and maybe the answer is complicated or difficult to explain, but answer them.  If you need to, look it up.  Some of my best memories growing up were looking up answers to things in the encyclopedias that lined the shelves in our room.  There is something truly wonderful about what we learn outside of the classroom.  Those questions are not just their way of figuring out the world, but as a way to relate to it and to YOU! They want to know who you are, what you like, what makes you happy.  The never-ending questions are annoying and sometimes even just bad timing, but answer them. Put down the dishes or the recycling or work or whatever it is that seems like it can't wait and help them find what they're looking for...it may just be that little extra with you, talking to you, looking this and that up online or in a book with you that is really what they're seeking.

Truth Bomb: Why I Am Perfectly OK with NOT being 100% "Happy"

I know it sounds cynical and honestly probably a little rude and off-putting to say this, but I am perfectly OK with not being 100% "happy" all of the time.  It's too much pressure.  As a single parent, I think I have enough stuff to worry about, so why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of happy, too?  The definition of said state of being reads "showing pleasure or contentment." I can do content.  What I can't do is deal with the fact that everywhere I turn, someone or something is telling me I HAVE to be HAPPY.  Why? I am so much more than that.  I have emotions well beyond just that one.  I live a complicated life with ups and downs.  Do I feel happiness? YES, of course I do!!  I feel joyful, and silly and blessed a lot of the time.  But I also am here to be as honest and transparent as I can be in regards to life, parenting and all that I am as a woman raising a son.  I started this blog as an attempt to share tips and tricks of single parenting.  It has evolved into my own way of expressing my real truth.  So here I am, being perfectly frank with all of you.  I don't want to be "happy" all of the time.  What I want is to be free to feel my emotions.  To own them.  To grow from them.  To to express them, and to not hide who I really am under a fake smile and cheerful disposition.  I did that for a long time.  In a marriage, in relationships, in work and even in parenting.  It did me no good.  I lost who I really was for the sake of making everyone else feel comfortable.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want people to know me, not an idea of what inspirational Pinterest quotes tell me I should be.

I have great days where everything comes together and no one is injured, the house is clean, the laundry actually gets past the folded stage and gets put into drawers, the kid ate a vegetable and I feel genuinely good and peaceful.  But, not every day is like that. Some days are horrible and nothing comes together and we're late to school, he bumps his head, the dog pissed on the rug and forget about laundry....we're lucky if we're wearing pants at all.  Those days I feel defeated, tired, lonely, frustrated or maybe even just sad.  Fun Fact: one definition of sad is "pathetically inadequate or unfashionable." Yo! That describes parenting to a T!

There are moments in a sad day that are happy.  Those moments, for me, outweigh any whole day of happiness because what can bring me out of the dark and into the light is truly special and genuine, unique and real.   When the kiddo just says "I love you, Mom" for no reason at all, or you get a text from your bestie that makes your smile, when you look down at a sleeping, sweet-faced child and know you all actually survived another day and that they, your children, are actually 100% happy.  That's really what matters to me.

So, there it is. My Mom confession.  I am perfectly OK with not being 100% happy, because all of the other emotions that I feel make up the person I am and are born out of the wonderfully complex life that I live.  Real Talk.

Truth Bomb: 6 Reasons I Am Totally OK With Being A "Mean Mommy"

1. Because telling my son "no" means that I love him.  Often times B will say "mommy you're so mean" when I am telling him that he can't do something.  That's because I want him to learn to be safe and be respectful.  I love him.  I want better for him.  Telling him he cannot jump off of things or run around a restaurant is to teach him to be better and to act better.  My love for him is more important than being easy on him or making my life easier by letting him run rampant like a wild animal.
2. Because his behavior now can shape who he becomes in the future.  I want my son to learn to love school, learn to love being in social situations, learn to make the right choices in these situations and learn to behave.  I communicate with caretakers and teachers about his behavior daily and if he isn't behaving the way I expect him to (with regards to safety and respect) I have to reprimannd him.  He has privileges taken away (like his iPad or whatever toy he's obsessing over at the time) as a consequence for poor behavior.  I'm not asking for perfect.  I'm asking for him to learn to make good choices. Progress not perfection.  Kids will be kids.
3. Because I am his compass and his anchor.  As his parent my job is to guide him through life and to be the one who grounds him when he needs it.  I don't mean ground him like punish him but to ground him as in giving him the basic knowledge about life.  This is the task given to us as parents, and its one I don't take lightly.
4. Because 99.9% of the time I get a huge return on my investment when it comes to discipline.  He's a great kid.  I do not have a lot of issues with him, but that being said it takes effort to get good results.
5. Because being "cool mommy" isn't on my list of priorities when raising a strong-willed, intelligent, creative and curious young man.  My priorities are to facilitate his best traits.  I'm not concerned with B "liking" everything I say or do, I am concerned with the love we have for one another.
6. Because I respect my son.  I listen to him, I communicate with him, I try my best to recognize who he is as a person, but sometimes telling him "no" or "not right now" falls out of my mouth way too easily.  I am responsible for recipricating respect when he is behaving well, and rewarding that with more autonomy and independence. Again, progress not perfection.