An Open Letter To My Friends From a Single Mom

Dear Friends, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I don't call or text.  I'm sorry I don't go to every event you invite me to on Facebook.  Know this: I want to do all of those things. You're important to me.  The reality of my life as a single mother is that socializing takes a back-burner to laundry, messes, runny noses, school involvement, cooking healthy meals, snuggling on the couch when he's sick, trips to Disney, doctor appointments, and whatever I do for myself when I can...like sleep, eat and bathe. 

I'm still me.  Vibrant, fun-loving, creative, adventurous, hopeful, caring, and happy.  I still enjoy dinners out, drinks at the local, movies, museums, dressing up...I still want and NEED to have a life.  When one first gives birth too a tiny human you all come out in droves to the little guy/gal.  I should have charged admission to cover the hospital bills. But some of my friends have slipped away.  4 years later and I just want to remind you...I don't have an infectious disease or anything...I have just lost track of time.  Literally.  I have no idea what day it is and the only reason I know the time of day is because I'm counting down to bedtime. I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I may not reach out to you first, or be the one to initiate communication.  Motherhood has me feeling a bit insecure.  To be real: I've tried to reach out, but your life is moving forward and full and I'm over here like, 'I hope they aren't forgetting about me.' I'm sorry I don't just pop up at events.  I feel a bit awkward just showing up alone. I'm sorry I don't invite you over all the time. I just assume you don't want to spend time when my child is here, because you've never offered to before.  I'm sorry I am a creature of habit and go to the same places all the time or don't really do new and crowded. Motherhood has also given me some anxiety and I just want to be where I feel comfortable and safe.  I apologize for letting life get the better of me sometimes, but you are all the key to helping me through it. Remember, I don't have a significant other here to help clean up the messes, cook the meals, dress the kid or pack the lunch...and I'm OK with that. BUT I do need friends like you to remind me that I am more than just the cleaner of play doh, repair engineer of toys and kisser of playground boo-boos.

Can I give you some tips on how to help a friend out?  Call me.  Text me.  Offer to meet up with us for dinner...WITH the kiddo.  Come over to our house.  You may end up playing light sabers or legos or watching something animated but we promise you'll have fun and more importantly, we won't lose our connection to one another.  You may see a glimpse of what I do everyday.  You will witness the reason for my unintentional isolation.  I need friends.  I need connections to people.  I need to feel like a priority to someone else sometimes. I need you to know I am lonely without you.  Please, I'm practically begging you to get involved in my life. Pester me. Force me to stop for a second and connect with you. And for goodness sake, if I actually text or call or PM you...RESPOND. Recognize that as the call for help. Help to feel connected, feel relevant and feel human.

At the end of the day, I am happy to be single.  I am happy to be a mother.  I'm not whole without my friends.

Sincerely,

Your Single Mom Friend

PS:  When the shit hit the fan, my soul sisters and closest friends gathered around and helped me through it all. For that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't survive without the compassion and thoughtfulness of all of you. You know who you are and since we are really more like family...most of this letter doesn't apply, but just know you're my ride or die and I love you.

Tears, Laughs and Mini-Heart Attacks: 20 Real Confessions from a Single Mom

Warning: This post contains real confessions from my parenting experience.  Not all of them funny or the happiest moments of my life, but all of them real and raw and HONEST. 

1. I have been known to flip my son "the bird" behind his back if he's acting like a little monster.
2. I will be honest, pregnancy was pretty easy for me.  I didn't gain too much weight, or have weird cravings, or get hemorrhoids or stretch marks.  I did, however, gain a new sense of anxiety that has never left me.  At times the anxiety can be paralyzing.  I don't like taking my son into crowds because too many people scare me.  Driving has reached grandma level over-cautiousness.  And anything like foods or medicines that don't meet some  majorly overwhelming standard I have created in my head are outlawed.  There are lists upon lists of things that I just can't even when it comes to my child.  Am I weird? No. Is that normal? Yes.  Does it feel like my fears are weird and abnormal? Completely.
3. If my son gets a bad report from the teacher, I take it way too personally.
4. Don't get me wrong...all kids are a blessing. That being said, I don't like all children.  Some are creepy.
5. I'm grateful to Steve Jobs and everyone at Apple for inventing the iPad...
6. The first time my son spent the night with someone else while I wasn't there felt like someone ripped out my heart and split it in half.  One half was happy and felt free, the other half felt lonely and empty and guilty.  What is that about? He should be with the people who love him! But me? I just felt a deep sense of conflict and heartbreak.  It has since healed a bit, but I don't think I'll ever feel 100% ok with not sleeping in the next room or right next to him all night, every night.  I often cry when he's not there.
7. As if I'm not conflicted about the above enough...I dream of taking a vacation...ALONE.  I mean, I never will, but a girl can have a dream (or a whole secret Pinterest Board about it), amiright?
8. I cannot stand the other parents at school sometimes...hence, the fact that I don't have many friends.  Very few people annoy me these days.
9. Once my son fell off of the bed and got a goose egg on his head... I almost had a heart attack.  It took me months to feel like a good mom again.  Months.  It was awful.
10. I would be happy if I never went back to work ever again and spent my days writing this blog and creating. Confession: I have a Master's Degree that I feel guilty for wasting.
11. I have control issues when it comes to parenting and if everyone isn't doing everything my way I get seriously irritated. Not everyone can do what I do.  Not everyone should. His Dad should do things his way, as long as we have a unified front and core values as a family.  But, in the effort to be totally transparent, I feel like I have been the one doing the work for so long that everyone should do what I say.  I hate that about me. It's annoying and unnecessary but it's completely honest and true.  Do I express that often? No.  I'm careful and I pick my battles.
12. I spoil my kid.  I buy him way too much.  I pray I'm not creating a monster, but I like buying him things.
13. Also, related to the above...toys are good bribery.  Just sayin'.
14. I took up running and the gym as a way to process my emotions, not to get healthy.  I cry a lot at the gym.
15. I have lost friends over parenting.  If you're cool, but your kid is a total nightmare to be around...we can't be friends.  Real Talk.  Sorry.
16. I have parked in the handicapped parking space at school when no other spaces are available for drop-off.  I know...I'm a horrible person.
17. I get excited when I don't have to make dinner for my son so someone else can stress over his nutrition and picky eating a few times a week.
18. I forget to brush my sons teeth at night at least 2-3 times a week.  Thank goodness these aren't permanent.
19. I have never clipped my son's toenails.  I can't explain it.  I have literally never had to and its a mystery to me.  I just go with it.
20. People often say that they admire me for being a single mom, but that doesn't make me feel good.  I didn't plan things this way.  This is how it all played out.  I made conscious decisions that led me to being a single parent.  None of them easy.  Some days I still feel the wounds that got our family here and it hurts.  I am not a hero because I'm a single parent.

Truth Bomb: Why I Am Perfectly OK with NOT being 100% "Happy"

I know it sounds cynical and honestly probably a little rude and off-putting to say this, but I am perfectly OK with not being 100% "happy" all of the time.  It's too much pressure.  As a single parent, I think I have enough stuff to worry about, so why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of happy, too?  The definition of said state of being reads "showing pleasure or contentment." I can do content.  What I can't do is deal with the fact that everywhere I turn, someone or something is telling me I HAVE to be HAPPY.  Why? I am so much more than that.  I have emotions well beyond just that one.  I live a complicated life with ups and downs.  Do I feel happiness? YES, of course I do!!  I feel joyful, and silly and blessed a lot of the time.  But I also am here to be as honest and transparent as I can be in regards to life, parenting and all that I am as a woman raising a son.  I started this blog as an attempt to share tips and tricks of single parenting.  It has evolved into my own way of expressing my real truth.  So here I am, being perfectly frank with all of you.  I don't want to be "happy" all of the time.  What I want is to be free to feel my emotions.  To own them.  To grow from them.  To to express them, and to not hide who I really am under a fake smile and cheerful disposition.  I did that for a long time.  In a marriage, in relationships, in work and even in parenting.  It did me no good.  I lost who I really was for the sake of making everyone else feel comfortable.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want people to know me, not an idea of what inspirational Pinterest quotes tell me I should be.

I have great days where everything comes together and no one is injured, the house is clean, the laundry actually gets past the folded stage and gets put into drawers, the kid ate a vegetable and I feel genuinely good and peaceful.  But, not every day is like that. Some days are horrible and nothing comes together and we're late to school, he bumps his head, the dog pissed on the rug and forget about laundry....we're lucky if we're wearing pants at all.  Those days I feel defeated, tired, lonely, frustrated or maybe even just sad.  Fun Fact: one definition of sad is "pathetically inadequate or unfashionable." Yo! That describes parenting to a T!

There are moments in a sad day that are happy.  Those moments, for me, outweigh any whole day of happiness because what can bring me out of the dark and into the light is truly special and genuine, unique and real.   When the kiddo just says "I love you, Mom" for no reason at all, or you get a text from your bestie that makes your smile, when you look down at a sleeping, sweet-faced child and know you all actually survived another day and that they, your children, are actually 100% happy.  That's really what matters to me.

So, there it is. My Mom confession.  I am perfectly OK with not being 100% happy, because all of the other emotions that I feel make up the person I am and are born out of the wonderfully complex life that I live.  Real Talk.