An Open Letter To My Friends From a Single Mom

Dear Friends, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I don't call or text.  I'm sorry I don't go to every event you invite me to on Facebook.  Know this: I want to do all of those things. You're important to me.  The reality of my life as a single mother is that socializing takes a back-burner to laundry, messes, runny noses, school involvement, cooking healthy meals, snuggling on the couch when he's sick, trips to Disney, doctor appointments, and whatever I do for myself when I can...like sleep, eat and bathe. 

I'm still me.  Vibrant, fun-loving, creative, adventurous, hopeful, caring, and happy.  I still enjoy dinners out, drinks at the local, movies, museums, dressing up...I still want and NEED to have a life.  When one first gives birth too a tiny human you all come out in droves to the little guy/gal.  I should have charged admission to cover the hospital bills. But some of my friends have slipped away.  4 years later and I just want to remind you...I don't have an infectious disease or anything...I have just lost track of time.  Literally.  I have no idea what day it is and the only reason I know the time of day is because I'm counting down to bedtime. I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I may not reach out to you first, or be the one to initiate communication.  Motherhood has me feeling a bit insecure.  To be real: I've tried to reach out, but your life is moving forward and full and I'm over here like, 'I hope they aren't forgetting about me.' I'm sorry I don't just pop up at events.  I feel a bit awkward just showing up alone. I'm sorry I don't invite you over all the time. I just assume you don't want to spend time when my child is here, because you've never offered to before.  I'm sorry I am a creature of habit and go to the same places all the time or don't really do new and crowded. Motherhood has also given me some anxiety and I just want to be where I feel comfortable and safe.  I apologize for letting life get the better of me sometimes, but you are all the key to helping me through it. Remember, I don't have a significant other here to help clean up the messes, cook the meals, dress the kid or pack the lunch...and I'm OK with that. BUT I do need friends like you to remind me that I am more than just the cleaner of play doh, repair engineer of toys and kisser of playground boo-boos.

Can I give you some tips on how to help a friend out?  Call me.  Text me.  Offer to meet up with us for dinner...WITH the kiddo.  Come over to our house.  You may end up playing light sabers or legos or watching something animated but we promise you'll have fun and more importantly, we won't lose our connection to one another.  You may see a glimpse of what I do everyday.  You will witness the reason for my unintentional isolation.  I need friends.  I need connections to people.  I need to feel like a priority to someone else sometimes. I need you to know I am lonely without you.  Please, I'm practically begging you to get involved in my life. Pester me. Force me to stop for a second and connect with you. And for goodness sake, if I actually text or call or PM you...RESPOND. Recognize that as the call for help. Help to feel connected, feel relevant and feel human.

At the end of the day, I am happy to be single.  I am happy to be a mother.  I'm not whole without my friends.

Sincerely,

Your Single Mom Friend

PS:  When the shit hit the fan, my soul sisters and closest friends gathered around and helped me through it all. For that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't survive without the compassion and thoughtfulness of all of you. You know who you are and since we are really more like family...most of this letter doesn't apply, but just know you're my ride or die and I love you.

Mourning The Loss of The Bubble and Other Post Election Thoughts

The last 18 months have been exhausting, emotional, eye-opening and at times, very frightening.  Much to my disappointment in the outcome we now have a President-elect and it is time to focus and move forward.  It's time to parent the hell out of this parenting game.  As if it weren't already hard enough, now we have to deal with the big bag of crap we've just been handed. It is our job to teach our children to be better, choose better and try harder.  To never give up on their dreams, to always stand up for what's right and to change the world with their light and love.  I woke up from a daze yesterday and realized that it's time to step up and stay connected, even more than I thought I was in the past.  As the initial depression fades I feel more awake than I ever have been (figuratively speaking...I mean, come on, I am still an exhausted single Mom surviving on caffeine and whatever's left of my morning runner's high.) I feel like this blog is a place for me to share my thoughts and feelings about what has transpired.   I consider myself educated and in tune with the issues, but I will be honest, maybe I am out of touch.  I was among the many that reacted with "shock and awe" at the outcome of the election.  How did I not realize how divided our country is? Am I living in a dream world where everyone gets along? I AM! I have created a reality for my son that is one of inclusion, diversity, and acceptance.  That's the nature of our family and community we surround ourselves with. My son goes to a very diverse school with both male and female teachers, both of color.  A classroom filled with children of all races and religions.  Our close friends and family represent all classes, races, religions, genders and sexual orientations. We don't spend our time with negative people or in situations that would feel divisive or against our core beliefs.  I know that not all of the people in our lives have similar political views, but that has never really bothered me.  We can cordially agree to disagree and I choose not to talk politics with other adults around my child.  I believe in the choices we are presented in life and that no one should dictate our own patriotism. I'm now realizing I've created the bubble and it burst...and it scares the hell out of me.

People we love feel alone, frightened, isolated and unsure of their futures.  As the days unfold we don't know what may happen.  As it stands we have already seen senseless acts of bigotry, violence, hate and anger spill into streets and classrooms.  IT'S DAY 1 and he isn't even in office yet.  It is up to us all to come together, but I will be honest and (as always in this blog) raw and real with you: I am afraid.  Not for me, but for my son.  For his innocence, his kind heart, his loving spirit and his open mind.  He doesn't know hate, but the world around us all is becoming more and more hateful.  I'm terrified.

I can't change who we as a country have elected as president, but I can be part of positive change, and so can you.  If I have learned anything from this election it is the enormous power of words.  We have been bombarded with negative ads, explosive reactions, damaging language and hateful speech.  Words that, even though we may not realize it, surround our children and the world they live in.  You are the one who controls the narrative in your home.  Choose your words wisely and with great consideration.  Stop and breathe. Remember little ears hear everything.  Little eyes see everything. And remember your kids know you better than you think.  They see your reaction and they react.  They emulate you.  When they say "be the change you want to see in the world" that's this moment right now with your children and every moment moving forward.  The change is you Mom and Dad.  The other lesson I have learned in this process is the stop and listen.  Hear your children.  You are their anchor and their compass.  No politician will ever be that for them.  You are the INSPIRATION for GENERATIONS.  Are they expressing concern or fear? My son is almost 4.  It's our inner circle that is his guide.  His father and I stand united in our love for him, our love of country and our commitment to teaching him positive values and ethics.  No one can come into our homes and teach him otherwise.  It is with a level head, an open heart, and a sincere respect for our jobs as parents that we will choose to teach our child compassion and caring for the community and how to be an involved and integral part of the positivity we represent as creatives, influencers and members of a global citizenship.   He is us and we are him.  We will hear him and be his advocate and voice for change. It won't be easy and we will and have been met with opposition in the past but its with real and true LOVE that we move forward as proud parents to someone who really can change the world.  Believe me, this family of mine has been through some crazy times before and we have worked hard to overcome them, and we will not stop now.

As I write this tears are falling down my face.  I know that today and for many more days people will be hurt and violated, degraded and dismissed.  They will be met with hate and anger, with ignorance and with violence. I cry because that's someone's mother, son, daughter, sister and brother, friends and spouses. And I mourn the loss of my silly little bubble of a life that I thought was one of love and light and positivity. We don't live there any more.  It's time for me to wake up, get focused, and move forward with strength, hope and optimism that for all of the bad we see in the world there is an equal good and that I can only try to be part of that movement.

I have no other words other than, as always...

ALL LOVE,

W & B

Tears, Laughs and Mini-Heart Attacks: 20 Real Confessions from a Single Mom

Warning: This post contains real confessions from my parenting experience.  Not all of them funny or the happiest moments of my life, but all of them real and raw and HONEST. 

1. I have been known to flip my son "the bird" behind his back if he's acting like a little monster.
2. I will be honest, pregnancy was pretty easy for me.  I didn't gain too much weight, or have weird cravings, or get hemorrhoids or stretch marks.  I did, however, gain a new sense of anxiety that has never left me.  At times the anxiety can be paralyzing.  I don't like taking my son into crowds because too many people scare me.  Driving has reached grandma level over-cautiousness.  And anything like foods or medicines that don't meet some  majorly overwhelming standard I have created in my head are outlawed.  There are lists upon lists of things that I just can't even when it comes to my child.  Am I weird? No. Is that normal? Yes.  Does it feel like my fears are weird and abnormal? Completely.
3. If my son gets a bad report from the teacher, I take it way too personally.
4. Don't get me wrong...all kids are a blessing. That being said, I don't like all children.  Some are creepy.
5. I'm grateful to Steve Jobs and everyone at Apple for inventing the iPad...
6. The first time my son spent the night with someone else while I wasn't there felt like someone ripped out my heart and split it in half.  One half was happy and felt free, the other half felt lonely and empty and guilty.  What is that about? He should be with the people who love him! But me? I just felt a deep sense of conflict and heartbreak.  It has since healed a bit, but I don't think I'll ever feel 100% ok with not sleeping in the next room or right next to him all night, every night.  I often cry when he's not there.
7. As if I'm not conflicted about the above enough...I dream of taking a vacation...ALONE.  I mean, I never will, but a girl can have a dream (or a whole secret Pinterest Board about it), amiright?
8. I cannot stand the other parents at school sometimes...hence, the fact that I don't have many friends.  Very few people annoy me these days.
9. Once my son fell off of the bed and got a goose egg on his head... I almost had a heart attack.  It took me months to feel like a good mom again.  Months.  It was awful.
10. I would be happy if I never went back to work ever again and spent my days writing this blog and creating. Confession: I have a Master's Degree that I feel guilty for wasting.
11. I have control issues when it comes to parenting and if everyone isn't doing everything my way I get seriously irritated. Not everyone can do what I do.  Not everyone should. His Dad should do things his way, as long as we have a unified front and core values as a family.  But, in the effort to be totally transparent, I feel like I have been the one doing the work for so long that everyone should do what I say.  I hate that about me. It's annoying and unnecessary but it's completely honest and true.  Do I express that often? No.  I'm careful and I pick my battles.
12. I spoil my kid.  I buy him way too much.  I pray I'm not creating a monster, but I like buying him things.
13. Also, related to the above...toys are good bribery.  Just sayin'.
14. I took up running and the gym as a way to process my emotions, not to get healthy.  I cry a lot at the gym.
15. I have lost friends over parenting.  If you're cool, but your kid is a total nightmare to be around...we can't be friends.  Real Talk.  Sorry.
16. I have parked in the handicapped parking space at school when no other spaces are available for drop-off.  I know...I'm a horrible person.
17. I get excited when I don't have to make dinner for my son so someone else can stress over his nutrition and picky eating a few times a week.
18. I forget to brush my sons teeth at night at least 2-3 times a week.  Thank goodness these aren't permanent.
19. I have never clipped my son's toenails.  I can't explain it.  I have literally never had to and its a mystery to me.  I just go with it.
20. People often say that they admire me for being a single mom, but that doesn't make me feel good.  I didn't plan things this way.  This is how it all played out.  I made conscious decisions that led me to being a single parent.  None of them easy.  Some days I still feel the wounds that got our family here and it hurts.  I am not a hero because I'm a single parent.