Truth Bomb: Why Our Modern Framily Goes to Pride

Recently our family participated in our fourth annual Orlando Come Out With Pride parade and celebration.  Our entire family, including my almost-five-year-old son.  To us, this is an exciting and much anticipated family event that we look forward to every year.  We wear rainbows, and catch beads, and give hugs and blow kisses to all of the beautiful people walking in the parade and chant "LOVE IS LOVE" at the top of our lungs for hours on end.  It's fantastic. In past years my son was definitely more interested in playing in the grassy lawn with the other little kids, but this year he was engaged, asking a lot of questions, dancing, finding shoulders to sit on, giving high fives to Drag Queens and waving a rainbow flag up and down the streets with a smile and light in his eyes.  It's that light that inspires me to write this for you. 

Children have an innate sense of happiness and love.  So it is our choice to show him that ALL types of love and those expressions of love are natural and normal.  We want the kind of child who isn't afraid to be a caring person with compassion who can act on his feelings.  Whoever he becomes is totally fine with us.  We cannot dictate the person our son will grow up to be in this world, but we can offer him unconditional love and support. We can dictate the environment he grows up in and show him love through actions and not just words. That is who we have chosen to be as parents.  We do have lengthy discussions about whatever questions he has.  This year he asked his father why everyone was smiling and so happy and his father explained that they were all very joyful about celebrating LOVE.  Our boy immediately said with, "I LOVE this!" You could visibly see how excited he was to share in that feeling of joy.  It is in those moments that we, as his parents, brush our shoulders off a bit and high five one another, because thats a sign we are doing something right.  Parenting win! 

We don't look at it as "exposing" him to anything.  I don't find that complimentary at all. In fact, this is an insult beyond measure. To imply that we "expose" makes it sounds as if we are putting him into danger, or forcing him to be around something negative.  We simply choose to let our son be part of our lives.  We introduce him to our friends and colleagues who are positive influences in our own lives.  We try to make new friends all the time, and in turn give him a wide social network of people.  The expression "it takes a village" is very true.  I want my son be given the opportunity to know many different kinds of people and for him to make connections to those people based on how he feels.  I want to raise a son who is around strong men with character and manners, social conscious, ethics, and honor.  I want my son to see strong women who have drive and passion, who are to be seen as equal to him and to be respected.  I want my son to use the language of love and not to play into the social "norms" and callous disregard for others. This isn't who we want our children to be.  We want them to hold on to their natural sense of warmth toward people.  

I also want my son to see that families come in all forms.  I want him to be proud of his family, albeit not the "norm" of the "typical" family we are a strong unit and parent him with the same morals and ethics as any other...just from two households.  He had the opportunity at Pride to see families of all kinds and to support families of all kinds. He loves to play with all of the kids that show up and trust me, Orlando Pride is all about kids and families.  Every year we see the same kiddos and B loves making new friends, he talks to grown ups and just like any other little boy if hand him a flag and he will wave that thing with all of his might. We are fortunate enough to have some very cool hosts every year that really enjoy seeing our son's presence at Pride.  Just like we ask that acceptance from our community, we return that encouragement and support. 

Pride to us is about so much more than rainbows and glitter and parades.  Its about having the opportunity to allow our son to be a citizen of the world that he, and his generation of children, will mold and shape and change and better through their own life experiences and the compassion that they have cultivated by learning inclusivity and appreciation for all types of people.  We need that more than ever these days.  

One Love.  

An Open Letter To My Friends From a Single Mom

Dear Friends, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I don't call or text.  I'm sorry I don't go to every event you invite me to on Facebook.  Know this: I want to do all of those things. You're important to me.  The reality of my life as a single mother is that socializing takes a back-burner to laundry, messes, runny noses, school involvement, cooking healthy meals, snuggling on the couch when he's sick, trips to Disney, doctor appointments, and whatever I do for myself when I can...like sleep, eat and bathe. 

I'm still me.  Vibrant, fun-loving, creative, adventurous, hopeful, caring, and happy.  I still enjoy dinners out, drinks at the local, movies, museums, dressing up...I still want and NEED to have a life.  When one first gives birth too a tiny human you all come out in droves to the little guy/gal.  I should have charged admission to cover the hospital bills. But some of my friends have slipped away.  4 years later and I just want to remind you...I don't have an infectious disease or anything...I have just lost track of time.  Literally.  I have no idea what day it is and the only reason I know the time of day is because I'm counting down to bedtime. I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I may not reach out to you first, or be the one to initiate communication.  Motherhood has me feeling a bit insecure.  To be real: I've tried to reach out, but your life is moving forward and full and I'm over here like, 'I hope they aren't forgetting about me.' I'm sorry I don't just pop up at events.  I feel a bit awkward just showing up alone. I'm sorry I don't invite you over all the time. I just assume you don't want to spend time when my child is here, because you've never offered to before.  I'm sorry I am a creature of habit and go to the same places all the time or don't really do new and crowded. Motherhood has also given me some anxiety and I just want to be where I feel comfortable and safe.  I apologize for letting life get the better of me sometimes, but you are all the key to helping me through it. Remember, I don't have a significant other here to help clean up the messes, cook the meals, dress the kid or pack the lunch...and I'm OK with that. BUT I do need friends like you to remind me that I am more than just the cleaner of play doh, repair engineer of toys and kisser of playground boo-boos.

Can I give you some tips on how to help a friend out?  Call me.  Text me.  Offer to meet up with us for dinner...WITH the kiddo.  Come over to our house.  You may end up playing light sabers or legos or watching something animated but we promise you'll have fun and more importantly, we won't lose our connection to one another.  You may see a glimpse of what I do everyday.  You will witness the reason for my unintentional isolation.  I need friends.  I need connections to people.  I need to feel like a priority to someone else sometimes. I need you to know I am lonely without you.  Please, I'm practically begging you to get involved in my life. Pester me. Force me to stop for a second and connect with you. And for goodness sake, if I actually text or call or PM you...RESPOND. Recognize that as the call for help. Help to feel connected, feel relevant and feel human.

At the end of the day, I am happy to be single.  I am happy to be a mother.  I'm not whole without my friends.

Sincerely,

Your Single Mom Friend

PS:  When the shit hit the fan, my soul sisters and closest friends gathered around and helped me through it all. For that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't survive without the compassion and thoughtfulness of all of you. You know who you are and since we are really more like family...most of this letter doesn't apply, but just know you're my ride or die and I love you.

Mourning The Loss of The Bubble and Other Post Election Thoughts

The last 18 months have been exhausting, emotional, eye-opening and at times, very frightening.  Much to my disappointment in the outcome we now have a President-elect and it is time to focus and move forward.  It's time to parent the hell out of this parenting game.  As if it weren't already hard enough, now we have to deal with the big bag of crap we've just been handed. It is our job to teach our children to be better, choose better and try harder.  To never give up on their dreams, to always stand up for what's right and to change the world with their light and love.  I woke up from a daze yesterday and realized that it's time to step up and stay connected, even more than I thought I was in the past.  As the initial depression fades I feel more awake than I ever have been (figuratively speaking...I mean, come on, I am still an exhausted single Mom surviving on caffeine and whatever's left of my morning runner's high.) I feel like this blog is a place for me to share my thoughts and feelings about what has transpired.   I consider myself educated and in tune with the issues, but I will be honest, maybe I am out of touch.  I was among the many that reacted with "shock and awe" at the outcome of the election.  How did I not realize how divided our country is? Am I living in a dream world where everyone gets along? I AM! I have created a reality for my son that is one of inclusion, diversity, and acceptance.  That's the nature of our family and community we surround ourselves with. My son goes to a very diverse school with both male and female teachers, both of color.  A classroom filled with children of all races and religions.  Our close friends and family represent all classes, races, religions, genders and sexual orientations. We don't spend our time with negative people or in situations that would feel divisive or against our core beliefs.  I know that not all of the people in our lives have similar political views, but that has never really bothered me.  We can cordially agree to disagree and I choose not to talk politics with other adults around my child.  I believe in the choices we are presented in life and that no one should dictate our own patriotism. I'm now realizing I've created the bubble and it burst...and it scares the hell out of me.

People we love feel alone, frightened, isolated and unsure of their futures.  As the days unfold we don't know what may happen.  As it stands we have already seen senseless acts of bigotry, violence, hate and anger spill into streets and classrooms.  IT'S DAY 1 and he isn't even in office yet.  It is up to us all to come together, but I will be honest and (as always in this blog) raw and real with you: I am afraid.  Not for me, but for my son.  For his innocence, his kind heart, his loving spirit and his open mind.  He doesn't know hate, but the world around us all is becoming more and more hateful.  I'm terrified.

I can't change who we as a country have elected as president, but I can be part of positive change, and so can you.  If I have learned anything from this election it is the enormous power of words.  We have been bombarded with negative ads, explosive reactions, damaging language and hateful speech.  Words that, even though we may not realize it, surround our children and the world they live in.  You are the one who controls the narrative in your home.  Choose your words wisely and with great consideration.  Stop and breathe. Remember little ears hear everything.  Little eyes see everything. And remember your kids know you better than you think.  They see your reaction and they react.  They emulate you.  When they say "be the change you want to see in the world" that's this moment right now with your children and every moment moving forward.  The change is you Mom and Dad.  The other lesson I have learned in this process is the stop and listen.  Hear your children.  You are their anchor and their compass.  No politician will ever be that for them.  You are the INSPIRATION for GENERATIONS.  Are they expressing concern or fear? My son is almost 4.  It's our inner circle that is his guide.  His father and I stand united in our love for him, our love of country and our commitment to teaching him positive values and ethics.  No one can come into our homes and teach him otherwise.  It is with a level head, an open heart, and a sincere respect for our jobs as parents that we will choose to teach our child compassion and caring for the community and how to be an involved and integral part of the positivity we represent as creatives, influencers and members of a global citizenship.   He is us and we are him.  We will hear him and be his advocate and voice for change. It won't be easy and we will and have been met with opposition in the past but its with real and true LOVE that we move forward as proud parents to someone who really can change the world.  Believe me, this family of mine has been through some crazy times before and we have worked hard to overcome them, and we will not stop now.

As I write this tears are falling down my face.  I know that today and for many more days people will be hurt and violated, degraded and dismissed.  They will be met with hate and anger, with ignorance and with violence. I cry because that's someone's mother, son, daughter, sister and brother, friends and spouses. And I mourn the loss of my silly little bubble of a life that I thought was one of love and light and positivity. We don't live there any more.  It's time for me to wake up, get focused, and move forward with strength, hope and optimism that for all of the bad we see in the world there is an equal good and that I can only try to be part of that movement.

I have no other words other than, as always...

ALL LOVE,

W & B

Tears, Laughs and Mini-Heart Attacks: 20 Real Confessions from a Single Mom

Warning: This post contains real confessions from my parenting experience.  Not all of them funny or the happiest moments of my life, but all of them real and raw and HONEST. 

1. I have been known to flip my son "the bird" behind his back if he's acting like a little monster.
2. I will be honest, pregnancy was pretty easy for me.  I didn't gain too much weight, or have weird cravings, or get hemorrhoids or stretch marks.  I did, however, gain a new sense of anxiety that has never left me.  At times the anxiety can be paralyzing.  I don't like taking my son into crowds because too many people scare me.  Driving has reached grandma level over-cautiousness.  And anything like foods or medicines that don't meet some  majorly overwhelming standard I have created in my head are outlawed.  There are lists upon lists of things that I just can't even when it comes to my child.  Am I weird? No. Is that normal? Yes.  Does it feel like my fears are weird and abnormal? Completely.
3. If my son gets a bad report from the teacher, I take it way too personally.
4. Don't get me wrong...all kids are a blessing. That being said, I don't like all children.  Some are creepy.
5. I'm grateful to Steve Jobs and everyone at Apple for inventing the iPad...
6. The first time my son spent the night with someone else while I wasn't there felt like someone ripped out my heart and split it in half.  One half was happy and felt free, the other half felt lonely and empty and guilty.  What is that about? He should be with the people who love him! But me? I just felt a deep sense of conflict and heartbreak.  It has since healed a bit, but I don't think I'll ever feel 100% ok with not sleeping in the next room or right next to him all night, every night.  I often cry when he's not there.
7. As if I'm not conflicted about the above enough...I dream of taking a vacation...ALONE.  I mean, I never will, but a girl can have a dream (or a whole secret Pinterest Board about it), amiright?
8. I cannot stand the other parents at school sometimes...hence, the fact that I don't have many friends.  Very few people annoy me these days.
9. Once my son fell off of the bed and got a goose egg on his head... I almost had a heart attack.  It took me months to feel like a good mom again.  Months.  It was awful.
10. I would be happy if I never went back to work ever again and spent my days writing this blog and creating. Confession: I have a Master's Degree that I feel guilty for wasting.
11. I have control issues when it comes to parenting and if everyone isn't doing everything my way I get seriously irritated. Not everyone can do what I do.  Not everyone should. His Dad should do things his way, as long as we have a unified front and core values as a family.  But, in the effort to be totally transparent, I feel like I have been the one doing the work for so long that everyone should do what I say.  I hate that about me. It's annoying and unnecessary but it's completely honest and true.  Do I express that often? No.  I'm careful and I pick my battles.
12. I spoil my kid.  I buy him way too much.  I pray I'm not creating a monster, but I like buying him things.
13. Also, related to the above...toys are good bribery.  Just sayin'.
14. I took up running and the gym as a way to process my emotions, not to get healthy.  I cry a lot at the gym.
15. I have lost friends over parenting.  If you're cool, but your kid is a total nightmare to be around...we can't be friends.  Real Talk.  Sorry.
16. I have parked in the handicapped parking space at school when no other spaces are available for drop-off.  I know...I'm a horrible person.
17. I get excited when I don't have to make dinner for my son so someone else can stress over his nutrition and picky eating a few times a week.
18. I forget to brush my sons teeth at night at least 2-3 times a week.  Thank goodness these aren't permanent.
19. I have never clipped my son's toenails.  I can't explain it.  I have literally never had to and its a mystery to me.  I just go with it.
20. People often say that they admire me for being a single mom, but that doesn't make me feel good.  I didn't plan things this way.  This is how it all played out.  I made conscious decisions that led me to being a single parent.  None of them easy.  Some days I still feel the wounds that got our family here and it hurts.  I am not a hero because I'm a single parent.

Truth Bomb: Why I Am Perfectly OK with NOT being 100% "Happy"

I know it sounds cynical and honestly probably a little rude and off-putting to say this, but I am perfectly OK with not being 100% "happy" all of the time.  It's too much pressure.  As a single parent, I think I have enough stuff to worry about, so why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of happy, too?  The definition of said state of being reads "showing pleasure or contentment." I can do content.  What I can't do is deal with the fact that everywhere I turn, someone or something is telling me I HAVE to be HAPPY.  Why? I am so much more than that.  I have emotions well beyond just that one.  I live a complicated life with ups and downs.  Do I feel happiness? YES, of course I do!!  I feel joyful, and silly and blessed a lot of the time.  But I also am here to be as honest and transparent as I can be in regards to life, parenting and all that I am as a woman raising a son.  I started this blog as an attempt to share tips and tricks of single parenting.  It has evolved into my own way of expressing my real truth.  So here I am, being perfectly frank with all of you.  I don't want to be "happy" all of the time.  What I want is to be free to feel my emotions.  To own them.  To grow from them.  To to express them, and to not hide who I really am under a fake smile and cheerful disposition.  I did that for a long time.  In a marriage, in relationships, in work and even in parenting.  It did me no good.  I lost who I really was for the sake of making everyone else feel comfortable.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want people to know me, not an idea of what inspirational Pinterest quotes tell me I should be.

I have great days where everything comes together and no one is injured, the house is clean, the laundry actually gets past the folded stage and gets put into drawers, the kid ate a vegetable and I feel genuinely good and peaceful.  But, not every day is like that. Some days are horrible and nothing comes together and we're late to school, he bumps his head, the dog pissed on the rug and forget about laundry....we're lucky if we're wearing pants at all.  Those days I feel defeated, tired, lonely, frustrated or maybe even just sad.  Fun Fact: one definition of sad is "pathetically inadequate or unfashionable." Yo! That describes parenting to a T!

There are moments in a sad day that are happy.  Those moments, for me, outweigh any whole day of happiness because what can bring me out of the dark and into the light is truly special and genuine, unique and real.   When the kiddo just says "I love you, Mom" for no reason at all, or you get a text from your bestie that makes your smile, when you look down at a sleeping, sweet-faced child and know you all actually survived another day and that they, your children, are actually 100% happy.  That's really what matters to me.

So, there it is. My Mom confession.  I am perfectly OK with not being 100% happy, because all of the other emotions that I feel make up the person I am and are born out of the wonderfully complex life that I live.  Real Talk.

My Parenting Bucket List

I think it's really important to not only have goals and ambitions in life to check off your ultimate bucket list, but also having a "parenting bucket list" for all of the things you hope to achieve with these little humans we're raising.  Here's my list, some things have been checked off the list, some have not, and some are a constant work in progress. 1. Create a garden.  I think it's important to teach Boo the importance of caring for living things and the circle of life through planting seeds and watching them grow.  The opportunity to harvest the veggies, and ultimately eat them (I hope...crossing fingers) is a special lesson in how wonderful life really can be.

2. Watch him perform on stage.  My insecurities have held me back a lot in my life from feeling fully free to be who I am. I want to see him be uninhabited by fear and really let his freak flag fly! I only wish I was that brave as a child.

3. Go camping.  Because much of our life is controlling messes and chaos, I want to go just be out there in the world with him and the dirt and natures and not feel the need to constantly control his urge to get dirty and just be human and explore nature.

4. Travel somewhere exotic.  I want to see things I have never seen with him, experience culture I've never experienced by his side and eat foods I never imagined existed while giggling with anticipation and a hint of hesitation.  We see so many of their firsts, I guess I just don't want that feeling to ever go away.

5. Stand up for what we believe in together.  When he finds a cause, I will champion it. When he finds a passion, I will support it, when he feels like someone is wronged and stands up for his convictions, I will stand beside him.  I want him to know his values are my values and I believe in his heart and spirit.

6. Find a common interest and practice that together weekly. Maybe we both like painting, or cooking new recipes, fishing, or playing the ukulele...whatever it is that we both really love, I want to share that with him so he has those memories forever. That once a week we did "our thing."

7. Make a complete ass of myself for his own enjoyment.  I want him to know that even though as adult we can be crazy insecure and create walls around themselves I am able to get passed those things just for him. Because that's how much I love him...I would be willing to make a complete spectacle of myself just so he laughed.

8. Make our own family traditions.  Just because our family is different and small won't mean that it's lacking in traditions or customs.  I want him to know the uniqueness of our lives together and how special that will be for him as he grows older.

9. Listen to him.  I mean really listen and teach him to really listen to me, and others.  Seems simple, but it's not.  We are so busy most of the time that I have to ask myself, "am I really listening and hearing what he's saying to me?" I want him to know that I am, and I want to know that he hears me too. Every once in a blue moon I do have something profound so say.

10.  Stay up all night and watch the sunrise.  Everyday brings something new and I want him to know that I will be here for all of it.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The dark times and the light.

Use The Force: The Padawan Parent

As a huge 'fan girl' and a Mom of a 'little rebel' (see what I did there?) I must admit that a huge portion of my life revolves around Star Wars.  I blame my older brother and my mom. They ruined me for life.  The object of my geeky fan obsession grew into a model for how I would be handling motherhood.  As I have grown into my own as a parent I have come to realize much of this life is about learning to be Jedi AF.  Much like Master Yoda and Luke Skywalker, it doesn't matter how late you enter the game you will struggle, and that is how you will learn. The Force will be with you.  Trust me.

Padawan Phase: This is the Jedi Parent in training. During that first year everyone goes through the ups and downs of learning what to actually do with your youngling.  These are the times when everyday brings something new to learn and through those lessons you become more and more "force sensitive." Don't worry.  You will get the hang of it, but in the moment it all seems like foreign territory.  You'll be peed on, pooped on, and barfed on, and to make it really awesome, probably all of those at once while at Target or some really special family occasion. The first time this happens you will undoubtedly freak out.  It's ok, we all do it.  I know it seems like other parents have it all handled; they seem to have it all under control.  Here's a secret, they didn't the first time. Real Talk: No one really has it all together, we are just more prepared now. We can sense the dark side because it's all too familiar at this point.

I had a Padawan moment pretty early on.  I needed to go run some errands with him in tow.  He seemed fussy, but I figured it was gas.  I was told to rub his back and pat him gently if he had gas and constipation (which he did) so I rubbed, as instructed by some Jedi baby nurse...but she failed to tell me to beware of projectile poop.  My beautiful little rebel shat all over me, the carrier, his baby blanket, and somehow it even ended up in the diaper bag. The only lucky thing about this situation was that it was in the parking lot of Whole Foods, not actually in the store.  I was able to quickly change him and get him somewhat cleaned up...but I drove home with baby poop all over ME.  Good times.  I thought he had exploded like the Death Star, and we both smelled more like a dead Tan-Tan. Needless to say, I haven't left my house without a full change of clothing for both of us in the car for three and a half years!

These youglings don't just come to us with a handbook, nor does any really hand you a your child and say "I'll be here 24/7, just in case you need me, and I will teach you everything you need to know and hold your hand the entire time."  Reality check! That doesn't happen!! This is, however, the point in your training to learn to rely on your Master-Padawan relationships and learn from your friends and family...cause they have been in the battle and they know their skills. Get to know other parents with older children, lean on family, and have a group that you can trade tips with, even online support like FB groups have helped me in the past.

Padawan Parents, you will be forced out of your comfort zone, made to endure things you never thought you would do. You will have to let down your guard and be willing to admit you need help.  It's totally normal.  None of us know what the hell we got ourselves into for the first year or so. (If someone tells you different, they're lying!!) Try to remember, this is also the parenting phase when all of the amazing firsts happen.  First smile, first tooth, first awkward roll and clumsy crawl, first giggles and babbles will melt your heart.  It's all a balance of wonderfully excellent, beautiful, terrifyingly awful and very, very gross...all in one.

There are  levels to this whole deal.  Just when you think you have Padawan phase on lock, you graduate to "Jedi" and then the struggle gets real...

Keep following me for the next in this series The Jedi Parent.

Truth Bomb: How it feels when you ask a Single Mom if she wants more children.

It sucks.  Not because I am being stand-offish or rude, but because I don't know how to honestly answer the question without bursting into tears.  It's a tough question to ask and a tougher one to answer.  Having my son is the greatest and best thing that has ever happened to me, for me, or that I will ever be part of.  No career or higher education, no relationship or marriage, no accomplishment however big or small makes me feel like being a mother does.  All of that being said, people often feel the need to ask me if he is enough, and I am expected to come up with an answer to that isn't,"well, that's none of your damn business" because when they ask I think they genuinely want to know how I feel.  I will try to answer to the best of my ability to all of you, and maybe you can relate...or at least maybe you'll think before you ask the loaded question at hand.

My road to motherhood wasn't paved with gold, that's for sure.  Little known fact about me: I was previously married and tried to have children for years.  During that time everything on the outside looked good.  We looked happy. We had a great lake house, went on vacations, enjoyed the good life to the fullest and with all of that decided to try to start a family.  People thought we had it all...but I was miserable.  I was eating my feelings of sadness and loneliness, my husband drank his fears of never giving me a child or being a good partner, and eventually that marriage disintegrated into oblivion.  I thought at that time that I would just never be the mother I envisioned myself being.  Freeing myself from the heart-break of a failed marriage and failed attempts to have a family was enough drive me into a new relationship very quickly, and with that I found myself pursuing a higher education and reaching for goals that I never imagined before.  I moved to Brooklyn and thought to myself," this is where you're meant to be, in a new life" and then...boom! Four months after moving I found myself pregnant, in a rocky relationship, and very, very overwhelmed.  I have been a single mother since my son was four months old, and everyday has been a tough but joyous journey into my own personal ever-evolving story of parenting.  Almost four years later I am in a good place with being a single mom, co-parenting, and living my own life.  It took all of those struggles to find myself standing where I am today.

Understandably, friends and family ask if I want more children, if I ever want to be married again, and if I am planning on living the single-mom life forever.  The short answer is,  I just don't know.  There are so many factors to answering, that sometimes I find myself welling up with tears and just avoiding the interrogation all together.  I can't escape myself, though.  I look in the mirror often and ask myself about this very topic.

I am single.  I am not dating.  This is a choice.  Doesn't mean I couldn't have more children, but will I?  It's not all about me.  I have my son to consider.  There isn't anything I enjoyed more about my childhood than having a big brother.  He's my lifelong best friend and ally.  I'm positive my son would be a fantastic big brother, but how would I explain that they have different fathers? Would an adopted child feel the void of a daddy? Would a new partner create drama between my son's father and I after all the years of struggling to get to positive place as it is? I have the greatest support system ever.  My family is behind any decisions I make and have held my hand and wiped my tears countless times, and I imagine they would do that again in the future. So, I have that going for me.

I truly LOVED pregnancy.  I was at my best.  I felt strong and healthy...like a warrior! I could do that again, no problem! I can also see myself wanting to help a woman who is faced with the choice of taking on the world as a single mother or putting their child up for adoption. It's a difficult decision that I know many women face everyday. My heart is open and willing.  I think I have enough love for a dozen children, if need be.  But will I ever become a mother again?

See what I mean?  It's such a hard question to answer.  The infinite dreamer in me says "Yes! More babies...I want all the babies!" The hyper realist says "No, I have been given enough and this is all I can handle." I would like to say I am a blend of both of those things most of the time.  Maybe one day whatever will be, will be and that will be good.  I have learned to try to give all that up to a higher power and just pray that I can be content and happy with the life that I am working hard to create today, and that whatever tomorrow brings is welcome with open arms.  With each passing birthday I know my chances are slimmer and slimmer that giving birth to another baby may not be my reality.  And with each day my son grows older and more independent and I delve deeper into a career path the idea of having a new baby in the house seems like a distant memory, I face the mirror and ask, "Will this be enough?" In this moment my answer is "yes."  This makes me whole.  I have been given what I once never thought I would have, and I am completely OK with that.  But tomorrow...well I just don't know.

Do Yourself a Solid: 5 Ways to Stay Sane as a Single Mom

Momlife is crazy.  There are some days I just want to throw my hands up and say "whatever." I mean, I don't, because there is a long list of crap that needs done and I am not about to sacrifice my alone time to do it all. I have definitely been told I have OCD and that I put too much emphasis on making sure I live an orderly life, but I don't (and my child doesn't) thrive in chaos.  As a single mom, sometimes I get mired down in the minutiae and I find myself overwhelmed.  I don't have a partner to turn to and say," you do X Y Z and I'll take a shower." That's not my reality.  It may not be your reality either.  I just thought that I would share some ways I try to manage all of the little things in an enormous effort to keep my own sanity on the daily.  

1. Keep a tight schedule.  Plan, plan and replan the week.  Keep a routine during the day (which you're probably doing anyways, but trust...routine with kids is KEY to survival.) Also, I keep an updated calendar, not only for myself but I make everyone who is involved in our life contribute their stuff to the calendar too...including but not limited to Grandma, babysitters, B's Dad, even B's Dad's girlfriend! This makes it easier for me to be able to reach out for help when I need some.  Every detail is in there.  Soccer, school, curriculum nights, reading days for kiddos class, birthday parties, possible evening events you'll need a sitter for and more can be divided up (if possible) but also remember this: YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL.  Sometimes you're going to have to say NO.  It's ok.  If it works for your schedule, go for it.  If not, send a polite text declining the invite to the said event and move on with your life.  It's busy enough.

2. Keep the house straightened up.  I try to get my son to help out where he can.  Night time is the best time to get this done.  You'll see that starting the day with the house in order will keep things organized. I put my dishwasher on the delay setting so that it washed the load of dishes overnight.  Pack lunches for the next day, lay out school clothes and check backpacks during bath-time if at all possible.   Pick up toys and put them away and HAVE YOUR CHILD HELP! We have started a three toy rule at my house and it's working out pretty good.  I told him he can have 3 toys out at a time, but after that we have to put some away.  After bath-time wipe down the bathroom. Gather all laundry every night and sort.  I do a load a day and I know that sounds insane but it helps me from keeping the mountains from forming and small loads are easier to fold and put away than larger ones. I do my BIG clean every Friday.  Weekends should be spent having fun! The key here is to stay on top of things and don't let the house get crazy...ever! If you're a slob and you know it...it's time to change your ways, like NOW.  Trust.

3. Have a support system.  I have a babysitter, baby daddy and my mom to help when I need it.  It's totally worth it.  If you don't have those people, I get it, I really do.  BUT it's paramount that you find people in your life to become your "village." Seek out and find other moms, aunties, best friends...shit...hire help if you need to, but get some help for yourself and your child.

4. Declutter, and I ain't talkin' about the cupboards.  It's time to re-evaluate your life, sister.  Are you spreading yourself too thin? Maybe! Big stuff, little stuff...it all makes a difference. Personally, I decided to give up dating.  It takes up more time than I want to be away from my own life and my child.  I totally understand that this isn't for everyone, but for me it was cluttering up my life.  I also decline most events these days unless it's an opportunity for growth and connections with people who make my life more rewarding! Think quality...not quantity.  You may find yourself spending too much time on friend/family drama, social media bullshit, work squabbles, and the like as yourself "Why?" For what reason? Stand back from it for a week and really ask yourself if the people in your life are adding to your crazy or if they're truly around to support you as a parent and a person.  I have had to get rid of a lot of relationships in my life, and it's very sad and can be lonely at times, but I know that piling on the baggage will get me nowhere.

5. You do you.  Lately I have seen so many ways that social media is allowing moms (particularly single mothers) to be pitted against each other in some war for perfection.  No! Stop! Be open to positive changes to allow some light into your very stressful life, but don't think we all have to be Super Mom! It's setting yourself up on for failure.  Don't waste your time thinking that you can be soccer mom/room mom/ working mom/ crafty mom...or whatever.  Real talk: I don't do ANY of that shit!! I only do what I know I can commit to and execute wholeheartedly. Seriously, I hate to admit how uninvolved I am sometimes, because I know it sounds a bit lazy, but I can only do so much and a lot of my time is focused elsewhere.  Being selfish sometimes isn't a bad thing...it means you're HUMAN!

You got this, Momma...

Truth Bomb: Mom-Shaming

Mom-Shaming is like a sickness. Take something beautiful and corrupt it with words that decay the very thing we love. What's up with all the negative these days? I have a kid. SO WHAT?  He's topic of a lot of my conversations and generally the highlight of what's going on in my life. But when others make the choice to Mom-shame, wether it be other mothers or childless acquaintances, it shows the gross disrespect for what it takes to be a parent. You think any of this is easy? It's not. The general attitude these days is so negative. Maybe it's the political climate or the economy, or maybe I just know a bunch of assholes. I don't know what the answer is but let me list some observations of Mom-Shaming and maybe you will get the idea of what we're working with:

The Childless Life Expert: The person with no children who thinks and says everything that comes to their mind, even when it's A) extremely wrong B) extremely offensive or C) unsolicited commentary on how you live your life. Yes I have a child and am a devoted parent. No, I don't live my life as carefree and reckless as I used to. Yes, it is a lot to deal with. No, I don't hate my life...so stop insinuating that I do. It's like this: when I leave the house to socialize (sans kiddo) I need that time away. I liken it to how you feel when you get out of work or finish a big project. We just need a break. It recharges the batteries but when people say such things as "thank God I don't have kids...that must suck" or "you need to get out more, that must suck" I want to run back home to my child...who, by the way, I have left and given up valuable time with. Let's face it, you're not being cool or sound intelligent when you say this...you're just a dick.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I'm not human.  I miss hanging out at the bar til the morning hours, movies whenever I want and eating at great restaurants that don't have an animatronic band and serve shitty pizza. I respect the fact that a lot of people I know have chosen not to have children. That's great. That's not my life but I appreciate yours. When you shame me it hurts, and that's the truth.

The Relatively Annoying Shamer: This is a relative (like, for example, a mother-in-law) that judges and comments on every parental move you make.  The little digs, the persistent side-eye, or the flat-out ignoring of your rules...you become like a ticking time bomb.  All parents appreciate advice when we need it, but when the relative in question disrespects your authority every time  you step through their door it puts distance where the distance doesn't need to be.  When this happens, do yourself a favor and nip it in the bud.  A respectful, "I appreciate all of your advice and thoughtful consideration of our child, but please remember to adhere to my rules so that we present a unified front and create a cohesive family unit."  You're the parent and what you say goes, and that's the truth...Sometimes Granny has to back the hell up.

The FB Shamer: Yes I have a child and I post about said tiny person on social media.  I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent.  If I hear you say one more time "do you post enough pictures of your kid, I mean geez," followed by an eye roll Someone better hold me back.  I will come across the room and put you into time out or put soap in your mouth. You must spend too much time with the "Childless Life Expert" (aka DICK) that I mentioned above.  How dare you think that your opinion on what I post to social media regarding my child is a place for you to shame me? You post your stuff and I'll post mine but please...leave your judgment for politics and poor fashion sense.  I think my kid is adorable and that's the truth, so deal with it or unfollow me.

The Mom-On-Mom Shame: This is when one Mom shames another Mom/Parent. The worst offense of them all, I believe, because you should know what we're all going through. It's hard enough without having another Mom commenting on your choices as a parent. We all have the same end goal. Survival. So why do we feel like we need to judge one another on how we choose to raise our kid. Listen, he's mine...not yours. So if I don't choose to breastfeed my child until he's 4 or he's not speaking Mandarin in his after school oboe lessons; if he happens to eat a happy meal once in a blue moon or doesn't live off of wheatgrass and barely, it's our choice and by any stretch of the imagination is he going to grow up any less loved or cherished than anyone else's child. I am thankful with every sunrise and sunset for a happy, healthy child. I know some people cannot say the same, so shame on US ALL for this type of preconceived notion that what works for us should be the way everyone else does this parenting thing. The truth is NONE of us are really doing it ALL correctly.

If you're finding yourself in one or all of the categories (remember: to be honest, I have totally been guilty of one or all of these at some point so I'm speaking from experience) please reconsider what seems like no big deal to you, but is actually a huge problem.  It's hard enough to be a parent, but it's even harder to feel isolated from friends and society.  Being a parent is just a part of who I am.  My interests are diverse and expand beyond poopy-diaper discussions.  At the end of the day all that I want is to raise a happy and well-rounded child, and you want me to raise a happy and well-rounded child, so stop shaming and start supporting cause this shit ain't easy...#truthbomb.

Post Pulse Parenting and How We are Orlando Strong

  June 12, 2016. A day our family will never forget.  The day marks our country's worst mass shooting in US history at Pulse nightclub.  49 lives lost.  Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends coworkers and family to many. It has been a month.

I won't focus on the shooter.  I won't focus on the horror of what it felt like to wake up at 4 am and see the scenes playing out on television and social media.  I won't focus on how incredibly lost and lonely and desperately heartbroken I felt lying next to my 3 year old and seeing what was happening.  I'll focus here on how I chose to handle my emotions and parenting, because for us and our family we had to keep going.

That's a major theme in my life and something my mom and I say to each other constantly...keep going.  Meaning, whenever we feel overwhelmed and buried by life's emotions and circumstances we just keep going.  Head down, tunnel vision, laser focus on our jobs as parents.  That's my sole responsibility in life.  Being a great mother to my son.

On this day we happened to be planning on celebrating a big milestone for Boo. He was 100% diaper and pull up free! It felt like a victory.  A long, arduous journey that ended in what should have been a celebratory romp through Disney as a reward for a job well done.  I couldn't help the tears running down my face.  I couldn't help but feel the unrelenting sadness as the body count kept rising. I couldn't help but be real and raw in those moments.  He asked why I was upset.  He knows me.  He's my person, the one I spend all of my time with, the one who spent 9 months inside of me...he is a part of me, so he knew.  Knowing that at this age death and evil are concepts little ones just can't understand, nor should they, I chose to say that I was "OK." But like I said, he knew.  We underestimate kids this age.  They see and feel more than we know or choose to recognize. He asked again and through my tears I said, "I'm sad because something bad happened to people because someone made bad choices." He got it.  But I also assured him,"it's ok to be sad sometimes and it's ok to cry sometimes," and that today we would still have a great day with Gramma at Disney.  And with that I packed up all of my emotions and put them in the "needs attention later" pile and went about a day at the Mouse House.  He was happy and so for that I was happy.

Disney felt like a dazed dreamland of mindless happiness.  I felt the numbness settling in while we rode some rides, sought relief from the heat and ate Mickey shaped cream bars.  But on the car ride home I knew what I needed to do.  I knew I needed to focus on raising my son through the fear and anger and let him see what I had already been seeing.  I saw a community coming together in a time of crisis and pain.  I saw straight allies supporting LGBTQ brothers and sisters. I saw people showing their love and support on social media and through memorial sites.  I saw Orlando come together like never before.  And we would be part of that coming together.

Boo has the fortunate circumstance of having not only a bad ass momma (brush my shoulder off) but an amazingly talented and supportive daddy with a career in theater and close friends from all walks of life. This brought us closer together as parents. We knew we would see tough parenting moments in his life time, but we had no idea it would be like this and not so close to home.  Two single parents searching to unify our message and show everyone we stand side by side in raising a child who is solicitous about the welfare of others.   Volunteer centers were inundated with water, food, toiletries...but not children's items.  I'm a Mom! That's what I think of first...what do the children need?  How can we help the kids that have been left victimized by this? Gathering dollar store children's items and dropping them off at a donation site allowed Boo to be involved on a level he could understand and relate to. "Sharing with people who have nothing makes them feel good and happy and important and so that's what we're going to do." Hanging onto his Dad's leg bashfully as they delivered toys and coloring books and a giant stuffed Nemo, waving at volunteers, and just his presence making people smile a little bit through tears and sweat and exhaustion.  It felt like I was showing him through action that this is how you become involved, even if you're  3.

Our "modern family" chose to participate in a candlelight vigil at Lake Eola honoring the 49 victims and supporting the LGBTQ community and Orlando as a whole.  We chose to do so because we all wanted him to se what coming together means, what it looks like, smells like, feels like, sounds like.  The reality was that being there with him was overwhelmingly profound for us.  I can't speak for everyone but I was proud to have my child with me that night.  He saw all kinds of people supporting each other for no other reason than LOVE and sense of community.  For peace and to show solidarity as ONE people.  Isn't that what we want? Isn't that who we want them to be?  Good, honest, kind, loving, respectful and to stand up for their convictions?  To know that no matter who you love, you deserve love?  That's what I want for myself let alone my own child.  I don't know who he will end up being as an adult, but my hope for him that he feels safe to be the person he chooses to be and to be that person with his head held high.  By the way, the whole time we were at the vigil he thought it was a Pride event (which he is not a stranger to) and waved his glow stick and enjoyed the free rainbow Mickey sticker and lots of hugs from friends. As his parents I think we felt like we offered some service by showing people who were feeling devalued and hurt that we knew they were important and that we vowed to raise our kid to know that people, all people, are important and should be loved.

During times like this it's hard to know what to say to your children.  Too much or too little.  I wish we could have done more.  I myself felt depressed  for some time, thinking I could have or should have done more.  But this is what I have to offer the world.  Being a Mom.  There's no handbook explaining how to deal with this kind of hate and crazy for adults let alone our children. And I'm still struggling with what to say or how to say it.  I don't want to shelter him, but I also don't want him to live in fear or to feel defeated in times when all feels lost.   All I know is that children respond to action, so be active in how we raise these little guys.  Show them that compassion and kindness is the center of how your family chooses to live and they too will show the world that love back.

ALL LOVE,

W & B and our modern family

#OrlandoStrong #OrlandoUnited #OneLove