My Parenting Bucket List

I think it's really important to not only have goals and ambitions in life to check off your ultimate bucket list, but also having a "parenting bucket list" for all of the things you hope to achieve with these little humans we're raising.  Here's my list, some things have been checked off the list, some have not, and some are a constant work in progress. 1. Create a garden.  I think it's important to teach Boo the importance of caring for living things and the circle of life through planting seeds and watching them grow.  The opportunity to harvest the veggies, and ultimately eat them (I hope...crossing fingers) is a special lesson in how wonderful life really can be.

2. Watch him perform on stage.  My insecurities have held me back a lot in my life from feeling fully free to be who I am. I want to see him be uninhabited by fear and really let his freak flag fly! I only wish I was that brave as a child.

3. Go camping.  Because much of our life is controlling messes and chaos, I want to go just be out there in the world with him and the dirt and natures and not feel the need to constantly control his urge to get dirty and just be human and explore nature.

4. Travel somewhere exotic.  I want to see things I have never seen with him, experience culture I've never experienced by his side and eat foods I never imagined existed while giggling with anticipation and a hint of hesitation.  We see so many of their firsts, I guess I just don't want that feeling to ever go away.

5. Stand up for what we believe in together.  When he finds a cause, I will champion it. When he finds a passion, I will support it, when he feels like someone is wronged and stands up for his convictions, I will stand beside him.  I want him to know his values are my values and I believe in his heart and spirit.

6. Find a common interest and practice that together weekly. Maybe we both like painting, or cooking new recipes, fishing, or playing the ukulele...whatever it is that we both really love, I want to share that with him so he has those memories forever. That once a week we did "our thing."

7. Make a complete ass of myself for his own enjoyment.  I want him to know that even though as adult we can be crazy insecure and create walls around themselves I am able to get passed those things just for him. Because that's how much I love him...I would be willing to make a complete spectacle of myself just so he laughed.

8. Make our own family traditions.  Just because our family is different and small won't mean that it's lacking in traditions or customs.  I want him to know the uniqueness of our lives together and how special that will be for him as he grows older.

9. Listen to him.  I mean really listen and teach him to really listen to me, and others.  Seems simple, but it's not.  We are so busy most of the time that I have to ask myself, "am I really listening and hearing what he's saying to me?" I want him to know that I am, and I want to know that he hears me too. Every once in a blue moon I do have something profound so say.

10.  Stay up all night and watch the sunrise.  Everyday brings something new and I want him to know that I will be here for all of it.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The dark times and the light.

Use The Force: The Padawan Parent

As a huge 'fan girl' and a Mom of a 'little rebel' (see what I did there?) I must admit that a huge portion of my life revolves around Star Wars.  I blame my older brother and my mom. They ruined me for life.  The object of my geeky fan obsession grew into a model for how I would be handling motherhood.  As I have grown into my own as a parent I have come to realize much of this life is about learning to be Jedi AF.  Much like Master Yoda and Luke Skywalker, it doesn't matter how late you enter the game you will struggle, and that is how you will learn. The Force will be with you.  Trust me.

Padawan Phase: This is the Jedi Parent in training. During that first year everyone goes through the ups and downs of learning what to actually do with your youngling.  These are the times when everyday brings something new to learn and through those lessons you become more and more "force sensitive." Don't worry.  You will get the hang of it, but in the moment it all seems like foreign territory.  You'll be peed on, pooped on, and barfed on, and to make it really awesome, probably all of those at once while at Target or some really special family occasion. The first time this happens you will undoubtedly freak out.  It's ok, we all do it.  I know it seems like other parents have it all handled; they seem to have it all under control.  Here's a secret, they didn't the first time. Real Talk: No one really has it all together, we are just more prepared now. We can sense the dark side because it's all too familiar at this point.

I had a Padawan moment pretty early on.  I needed to go run some errands with him in tow.  He seemed fussy, but I figured it was gas.  I was told to rub his back and pat him gently if he had gas and constipation (which he did) so I rubbed, as instructed by some Jedi baby nurse...but she failed to tell me to beware of projectile poop.  My beautiful little rebel shat all over me, the carrier, his baby blanket, and somehow it even ended up in the diaper bag. The only lucky thing about this situation was that it was in the parking lot of Whole Foods, not actually in the store.  I was able to quickly change him and get him somewhat cleaned up...but I drove home with baby poop all over ME.  Good times.  I thought he had exploded like the Death Star, and we both smelled more like a dead Tan-Tan. Needless to say, I haven't left my house without a full change of clothing for both of us in the car for three and a half years!

These youglings don't just come to us with a handbook, nor does any really hand you a your child and say "I'll be here 24/7, just in case you need me, and I will teach you everything you need to know and hold your hand the entire time."  Reality check! That doesn't happen!! This is, however, the point in your training to learn to rely on your Master-Padawan relationships and learn from your friends and family...cause they have been in the battle and they know their skills. Get to know other parents with older children, lean on family, and have a group that you can trade tips with, even online support like FB groups have helped me in the past.

Padawan Parents, you will be forced out of your comfort zone, made to endure things you never thought you would do. You will have to let down your guard and be willing to admit you need help.  It's totally normal.  None of us know what the hell we got ourselves into for the first year or so. (If someone tells you different, they're lying!!) Try to remember, this is also the parenting phase when all of the amazing firsts happen.  First smile, first tooth, first awkward roll and clumsy crawl, first giggles and babbles will melt your heart.  It's all a balance of wonderfully excellent, beautiful, terrifyingly awful and very, very gross...all in one.

There are  levels to this whole deal.  Just when you think you have Padawan phase on lock, you graduate to "Jedi" and then the struggle gets real...

Keep following me for the next in this series The Jedi Parent.

Truth Bomb: How it feels when you ask a Single Mom if she wants more children.

It sucks.  Not because I am being stand-offish or rude, but because I don't know how to honestly answer the question without bursting into tears.  It's a tough question to ask and a tougher one to answer.  Having my son is the greatest and best thing that has ever happened to me, for me, or that I will ever be part of.  No career or higher education, no relationship or marriage, no accomplishment however big or small makes me feel like being a mother does.  All of that being said, people often feel the need to ask me if he is enough, and I am expected to come up with an answer to that isn't,"well, that's none of your damn business" because when they ask I think they genuinely want to know how I feel.  I will try to answer to the best of my ability to all of you, and maybe you can relate...or at least maybe you'll think before you ask the loaded question at hand.

My road to motherhood wasn't paved with gold, that's for sure.  Little known fact about me: I was previously married and tried to have children for years.  During that time everything on the outside looked good.  We looked happy. We had a great lake house, went on vacations, enjoyed the good life to the fullest and with all of that decided to try to start a family.  People thought we had it all...but I was miserable.  I was eating my feelings of sadness and loneliness, my husband drank his fears of never giving me a child or being a good partner, and eventually that marriage disintegrated into oblivion.  I thought at that time that I would just never be the mother I envisioned myself being.  Freeing myself from the heart-break of a failed marriage and failed attempts to have a family was enough drive me into a new relationship very quickly, and with that I found myself pursuing a higher education and reaching for goals that I never imagined before.  I moved to Brooklyn and thought to myself," this is where you're meant to be, in a new life" and then...boom! Four months after moving I found myself pregnant, in a rocky relationship, and very, very overwhelmed.  I have been a single mother since my son was four months old, and everyday has been a tough but joyous journey into my own personal ever-evolving story of parenting.  Almost four years later I am in a good place with being a single mom, co-parenting, and living my own life.  It took all of those struggles to find myself standing where I am today.

Understandably, friends and family ask if I want more children, if I ever want to be married again, and if I am planning on living the single-mom life forever.  The short answer is,  I just don't know.  There are so many factors to answering, that sometimes I find myself welling up with tears and just avoiding the interrogation all together.  I can't escape myself, though.  I look in the mirror often and ask myself about this very topic.

I am single.  I am not dating.  This is a choice.  Doesn't mean I couldn't have more children, but will I?  It's not all about me.  I have my son to consider.  There isn't anything I enjoyed more about my childhood than having a big brother.  He's my lifelong best friend and ally.  I'm positive my son would be a fantastic big brother, but how would I explain that they have different fathers? Would an adopted child feel the void of a daddy? Would a new partner create drama between my son's father and I after all the years of struggling to get to positive place as it is? I have the greatest support system ever.  My family is behind any decisions I make and have held my hand and wiped my tears countless times, and I imagine they would do that again in the future. So, I have that going for me.

I truly LOVED pregnancy.  I was at my best.  I felt strong and healthy...like a warrior! I could do that again, no problem! I can also see myself wanting to help a woman who is faced with the choice of taking on the world as a single mother or putting their child up for adoption. It's a difficult decision that I know many women face everyday. My heart is open and willing.  I think I have enough love for a dozen children, if need be.  But will I ever become a mother again?

See what I mean?  It's such a hard question to answer.  The infinite dreamer in me says "Yes! More babies...I want all the babies!" The hyper realist says "No, I have been given enough and this is all I can handle." I would like to say I am a blend of both of those things most of the time.  Maybe one day whatever will be, will be and that will be good.  I have learned to try to give all that up to a higher power and just pray that I can be content and happy with the life that I am working hard to create today, and that whatever tomorrow brings is welcome with open arms.  With each passing birthday I know my chances are slimmer and slimmer that giving birth to another baby may not be my reality.  And with each day my son grows older and more independent and I delve deeper into a career path the idea of having a new baby in the house seems like a distant memory, I face the mirror and ask, "Will this be enough?" In this moment my answer is "yes."  This makes me whole.  I have been given what I once never thought I would have, and I am completely OK with that.  But tomorrow...well I just don't know.

Do Yourself a Solid: 5 Ways to Stay Sane as a Single Mom

Momlife is crazy.  There are some days I just want to throw my hands up and say "whatever." I mean, I don't, because there is a long list of crap that needs done and I am not about to sacrifice my alone time to do it all. I have definitely been told I have OCD and that I put too much emphasis on making sure I live an orderly life, but I don't (and my child doesn't) thrive in chaos.  As a single mom, sometimes I get mired down in the minutiae and I find myself overwhelmed.  I don't have a partner to turn to and say," you do X Y Z and I'll take a shower." That's not my reality.  It may not be your reality either.  I just thought that I would share some ways I try to manage all of the little things in an enormous effort to keep my own sanity on the daily.  

1. Keep a tight schedule.  Plan, plan and replan the week.  Keep a routine during the day (which you're probably doing anyways, but trust...routine with kids is KEY to survival.) Also, I keep an updated calendar, not only for myself but I make everyone who is involved in our life contribute their stuff to the calendar too...including but not limited to Grandma, babysitters, B's Dad, even B's Dad's girlfriend! This makes it easier for me to be able to reach out for help when I need some.  Every detail is in there.  Soccer, school, curriculum nights, reading days for kiddos class, birthday parties, possible evening events you'll need a sitter for and more can be divided up (if possible) but also remember this: YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL.  Sometimes you're going to have to say NO.  It's ok.  If it works for your schedule, go for it.  If not, send a polite text declining the invite to the said event and move on with your life.  It's busy enough.

2. Keep the house straightened up.  I try to get my son to help out where he can.  Night time is the best time to get this done.  You'll see that starting the day with the house in order will keep things organized. I put my dishwasher on the delay setting so that it washed the load of dishes overnight.  Pack lunches for the next day, lay out school clothes and check backpacks during bath-time if at all possible.   Pick up toys and put them away and HAVE YOUR CHILD HELP! We have started a three toy rule at my house and it's working out pretty good.  I told him he can have 3 toys out at a time, but after that we have to put some away.  After bath-time wipe down the bathroom. Gather all laundry every night and sort.  I do a load a day and I know that sounds insane but it helps me from keeping the mountains from forming and small loads are easier to fold and put away than larger ones. I do my BIG clean every Friday.  Weekends should be spent having fun! The key here is to stay on top of things and don't let the house get crazy...ever! If you're a slob and you know it...it's time to change your ways, like NOW.  Trust.

3. Have a support system.  I have a babysitter, baby daddy and my mom to help when I need it.  It's totally worth it.  If you don't have those people, I get it, I really do.  BUT it's paramount that you find people in your life to become your "village." Seek out and find other moms, aunties, best friends...shit...hire help if you need to, but get some help for yourself and your child.

4. Declutter, and I ain't talkin' about the cupboards.  It's time to re-evaluate your life, sister.  Are you spreading yourself too thin? Maybe! Big stuff, little stuff...it all makes a difference. Personally, I decided to give up dating.  It takes up more time than I want to be away from my own life and my child.  I totally understand that this isn't for everyone, but for me it was cluttering up my life.  I also decline most events these days unless it's an opportunity for growth and connections with people who make my life more rewarding! Think quality...not quantity.  You may find yourself spending too much time on friend/family drama, social media bullshit, work squabbles, and the like as yourself "Why?" For what reason? Stand back from it for a week and really ask yourself if the people in your life are adding to your crazy or if they're truly around to support you as a parent and a person.  I have had to get rid of a lot of relationships in my life, and it's very sad and can be lonely at times, but I know that piling on the baggage will get me nowhere.

5. You do you.  Lately I have seen so many ways that social media is allowing moms (particularly single mothers) to be pitted against each other in some war for perfection.  No! Stop! Be open to positive changes to allow some light into your very stressful life, but don't think we all have to be Super Mom! It's setting yourself up on for failure.  Don't waste your time thinking that you can be soccer mom/room mom/ working mom/ crafty mom...or whatever.  Real talk: I don't do ANY of that shit!! I only do what I know I can commit to and execute wholeheartedly. Seriously, I hate to admit how uninvolved I am sometimes, because I know it sounds a bit lazy, but I can only do so much and a lot of my time is focused elsewhere.  Being selfish sometimes isn't a bad thing...it means you're HUMAN!

You got this, Momma...

"The Incident" Part Two: How to survive dealing with a toddler in a Spica Cast...

I know what you're thinking by seeing the picture above. You're thinking "how in the actual f*&% do you survive that on your toddler?" Well, I am here to tell you that you can and you will...if you're ever faced with this like I was.  Boo's spica cast ran from chest to toes with a big bar between his knees.  There is an open hole in the cast large enough for his "little man parts" and "toosh" to be exposed for "bathroom purposes" (I will explain diapering below.) Remember, boo's leg break was a spiral fracture of the upper femur, a pretty sever break, so the cast kept any rotating joints from moving and disrupting proper healing.  They did place him under anesthesia to put on the cast.  We had no issues with that at all, thank goodness.  After the cast was on, the most important thing is to try to keep it clean and dry. That seems like an impossible chore, but trust me it can be done (for the most part.) We had to deal with our spica cast for 10 weeks, and if that doesn't seem like enough of a nightmare, the healing after is a whole challenge in itself.  I will also explain how we recovered from cast removal and rehabbing little man in enough time for the ever important SUMMER CAMP!

**Ask for two things before leaving the hospital: A wheelchair and a specialized car seat. The hospital may have resources where these can be donated to you only for the duration of time the cast needs to be on.

First thing's first: DIAPERING!

When Boo's cast went on we were potty training. We decided to put that on the back burner.  Heres how I would diaper him to keep him clean, dry and healthy. **You may find yourself diapering a lot more than you used to before that cast, that great! Keeping the little ones hydrated and their tummies healthy is an important part of healing. Boo did not feel like eating much at all the entire time he was in the cast which is very normal.  In the future I will post a blog on smoothie recipes that keep Boo full and happy.  We lived on these for the 10 weeks during the cast.**

1. Create a diapering area on the floor. I used his old crib mattress but you can use an old changing pad as well.  This worked better for us.  I could diaper him, sponge bathe him, "dress" him and brush his teeth all while sitting and not throwing my back out.  (These casts are heavy and you'll be carrying them everywhere when they aren't in the wheelchair so save yourself the pain of a back injury.)
2. Supplies: 2 different size diapers: I used a size 3/4 diaper and a size 6 diaper, Aquaphor, Honest Soothing Bottom Wash, wipes, and Moleskin Padding
3. Place the the moleskin padding around the edges or the opening to prevent the cast from rubbing on the skin. (Your nurse will help you in the hospital. But it's nice to have replacement moleskin for cleanliness.)

1. Tuck the smaller diaper back to front into the hole in the cast.  Make sure the diaper is tucked in as for as it will go into the back and front to prevent any liquids from touching the cast.
2. Place the large diaper over the other diaper and securing over the cast.  The double diaper ensures dryness also looks ridiculous, but it works.

Bathing a kiddo in a Spica Cast:

I felt like this was very important to keeping our "nighttime routine" of dinner, bath, pjs, bedtime in tact. We did this on his diapering area.

1. Warm bowl of water
2. Johnson's Washcloths
3. dry hand towel

Using the bowl of warm water, wet the washcloth and beginning with the head wash kiddo and dry each area one at a time.  Face/ears, neck, chest, arms and arm-pitters, hands, then the diaper area, then…last but not least…stinky piggies.  This cast is going to get dirty (despite all of our best efforts, it does and it SUCKS) but keeping their skin clean in paramount to good health so just try your best here.  The Washcloths are also helpful in washing kiddo hair, but we didn't need to do this more than once a week, given nothing weird ended up rubbed all over his head.

Keeping kiddo entertained:

i propped Boo up on the couch with a series of pillow configurations that worked (it took a while to figure this out, but you will) and purchased a lap tray for playing Playdoh, legos, coloring, etc.  Also, we have an iPad mini that was essential.

I used the wheelchair for meals, snacks, a change of position, etc.  By placing two pillows (one to sit directly on and one to rest his back against) I created a more comfortable sitting position for him and used this travel tray to place these amazing PB Kids plates.

Like I have said.  You make it work.  My ways may not be exactly what you need to do for your situation, but trust me, I tried a many different solutions only to end up at the point where i had finally found what worked for Boo and I ran with it.

I actually took Boo to Walk Disney World while he was in the cast and it worked out pretty well.  it was a short and sweet little trip and Disney made the whole experience very special and happy for all of us.  I will eventually post a "how to" on Disney with the cast and Disney without the cast.

Healing post Spica Cast:

Don't be shocked when the cast comes off…I was.  Your child will cry so have Motrin on hand at the doctors office.  I used the special car seat on the way home.  Remember, your child will feel very strange after the cast comes off so offer lots of snuggles and prepare for a long day ahead.

My sons skin was raw and red and it looked horrible. it was very itchy!  I coated him in organic coconut oil with a drop of lavender oil added in for good measure.

Once he was home I got him into a luke warm bath to clean the areas well.  He had a hard time sitting up, just a heads up.  But he was extremely happy to be angle to get into the bath again!

Walking was very difficult at first.  I used this Pewi YBike to help him move freely and regain strength in his legs and some confidence.

The key to our rehabbing Boo was swimming.  The day after his cast came off I got him into the swimming pool.  He was intimidated at first (which was new for my little fish) but once he realized how great it felt he became more comfortable and was smiling in no time.

Just remember that before it gets better , it gets harder.  It takes a lot of physical and emotional work for these little guys to regain their full abilities.  He would walk perfectly one day and the next day be unable to stand.  You've got this! Just breathe and allow them to work at their own pace.  Our doc didn't not think we needed the physical therapy so I was left to figure it all out on my own.

I really hope that this post can help someone navigate the world of what its like to deal with a situation like this.

Good luck and much love!

-W and Boo

"The Incident"… Part One: Emergency Preparedness Like a Boss!

So long story, very short: In March of 2014 "Boo" fell at a playground and broke his leg.  To be exact it was a spiral fracture of the upper femur bone.  Why yes, that IS the biggest bone in the body.  And YES it is extremely scary to have a then 25 month old in an emergency room for 5 hours, only to be transferred to a larger hospital for surgery in the next morning.  Surgery.  That word made me want to vomit and punch someone all at the same time.  It was only until I was told no cutting would be involved that the 'punchy' feeling subsided a little.  Luckily, we have access to the best children's hospital in our area and everyone treated my little rebel like a Jedi Knight.  Largely, the hospital experience pretty much sucked.  Your stressed and tired and extremely emotional.  I have to say this, a huge shout out and lots of hugs an thanks your have to go to the incredible staff at Florida Hospital for Children. All of the docs and nurses were amazing and totally put us at ease (well, as much as they could.)

It just so happens we had been traveling earlier that month by car down to the Keys and I had packed an emergency roadside kit for traveling with toddlers.  It was still in my car! Needless to say, I literally always have it with me now.  It has a permeant home  in my vehicle along with an additional "go bag."  I think this really was what helped keep my sanity. Our first night in the hospital was a long one and I found the kit to be a total life saver for both of us, but looking back on the experience now I know that had I not had some forethought in packing these things the less focused I could have been on all of the commotion happening around us and keeping up with the utter chaos of having a kiddo i the hospital really is for a parent. I just cannot tell you how much my heart goes out to all of the parents that have to deal with this as their "normal." I just kept saying to myself "it's just a broken leg, its just a broken leg, thank God it's just a broken leg."

You should know this about me: I'm a research junkie.  I am totally addicted to Pinterest and I Google things constantly. So when it was time to take a 5 hour road trip with my Mom and Boo I was looking for ideas of what could make the ride feel less like hell on earth and more like a slight pain in the ass.  I am also a planner to the Nth degree and prefer to have a solid plan of action laid out before me, rather than jump into too much blindfolded and head first.  You never know whats going to happen when you have child.  I mean, really…how many times have you been caught out without a diaper and wipes or a change of clothes and then IT happens and when IT happens IT happens all over you, your child and any innocent bystander or freestanding objects within a 100 yard radius? Yeah…A LOT.  So, i really wanted to avoid this and by being over prepared i was able to turn this unmitigated disaster into a somewhat bare able situation.

So lets get to it.  Here's what i packed as an emergency kit that then turned into my hospital surveil kit.  As a bonus, I'll also throw in what I pack in my regular "go bag." Both of these things have come in handy on multiple occasions. Remember this is just for one toddler and one adult.

1. Honest Company Hand Sanitizer
2. Tylenol or Motrin and measuring cup
3. Anti-"bad tummy" meds like Pepto
4. BAND-AIDS
5. 2 Diapers or pull on training pants and a travel pack size of wipes.
6. 2 spare pairs of underwear for kiddo and one for grown up (better safe than sorry)
7. Tiny Portable Humidifier
8. Benadryl or any other allergy meds etc.
9. A 2 day supply of any supplements you and your family may take regularly. We like Zarbee's brand.
10. Travel pack of tissues
11. Aquaphor has multiple uses
12. Arnicare is great for bruises and bumps
13. small pair of scissors
14. wash cloth
15. a toothbrush and toothpaste for each of us
16. electrolyte packs for water like NUUN
17. spare plastic bags
18. a kitchen size trash bag
19. Boogie Wipes
20. Sunscreen (we LOVE MD Moms)
21. These are really handy! Johnson's Head-to-Toe Washcloths
22. lavender oil (great for stress relief)
23. Kids plate, spoon, fork, and cup
24. and some travel sized paper towels
25. phone charger
26. batteries (2 AA, 2 AAA)

I pack all of this into a clear plastic tub and it never leaves my car.  I cannot tell you how useful this has been.  Not only in our worst times but in some of our best, too.

Bonus: "The Go-Bag"

This idea came about AFTER "the incident" and now I swear by it.  I keep a tote bag packed and hanging somewhere easily accessible in emergencies.

1. kiddo cotton pj's (we love Hanna Anderson)
2. adult change of clothes (think yoga pants and a cotton t-shirt)
3. kiddo socks
4. adult socks
5. umbrella
6. phone charger
7. non-perishable snacks
8. brita water bottle
9. crayons
10. grab and go fun packs
11. Honest 3 in 1 Facial wipes

I try to separate and pack things into gallon size baggies.  This makes it easier to use what I need and leave the rest and to repack for the next outting or emergency.

I am taking suggestions to improve the emergency kit and go-bag, but I hope you find this helpful and i really hope you never have to use it in a circumstance like we did.