Tears, Laughs and Mini-Heart Attacks: 20 Real Confessions from a Single Mom

Warning: This post contains real confessions from my parenting experience.  Not all of them funny or the happiest moments of my life, but all of them real and raw and HONEST. 

1. I have been known to flip my son "the bird" behind his back if he's acting like a little monster.
2. I will be honest, pregnancy was pretty easy for me.  I didn't gain too much weight, or have weird cravings, or get hemorrhoids or stretch marks.  I did, however, gain a new sense of anxiety that has never left me.  At times the anxiety can be paralyzing.  I don't like taking my son into crowds because too many people scare me.  Driving has reached grandma level over-cautiousness.  And anything like foods or medicines that don't meet some  majorly overwhelming standard I have created in my head are outlawed.  There are lists upon lists of things that I just can't even when it comes to my child.  Am I weird? No. Is that normal? Yes.  Does it feel like my fears are weird and abnormal? Completely.
3. If my son gets a bad report from the teacher, I take it way too personally.
4. Don't get me wrong...all kids are a blessing. That being said, I don't like all children.  Some are creepy.
5. I'm grateful to Steve Jobs and everyone at Apple for inventing the iPad...
6. The first time my son spent the night with someone else while I wasn't there felt like someone ripped out my heart and split it in half.  One half was happy and felt free, the other half felt lonely and empty and guilty.  What is that about? He should be with the people who love him! But me? I just felt a deep sense of conflict and heartbreak.  It has since healed a bit, but I don't think I'll ever feel 100% ok with not sleeping in the next room or right next to him all night, every night.  I often cry when he's not there.
7. As if I'm not conflicted about the above enough...I dream of taking a vacation...ALONE.  I mean, I never will, but a girl can have a dream (or a whole secret Pinterest Board about it), amiright?
8. I cannot stand the other parents at school sometimes...hence, the fact that I don't have many friends.  Very few people annoy me these days.
9. Once my son fell off of the bed and got a goose egg on his head... I almost had a heart attack.  It took me months to feel like a good mom again.  Months.  It was awful.
10. I would be happy if I never went back to work ever again and spent my days writing this blog and creating. Confession: I have a Master's Degree that I feel guilty for wasting.
11. I have control issues when it comes to parenting and if everyone isn't doing everything my way I get seriously irritated. Not everyone can do what I do.  Not everyone should. His Dad should do things his way, as long as we have a unified front and core values as a family.  But, in the effort to be totally transparent, I feel like I have been the one doing the work for so long that everyone should do what I say.  I hate that about me. It's annoying and unnecessary but it's completely honest and true.  Do I express that often? No.  I'm careful and I pick my battles.
12. I spoil my kid.  I buy him way too much.  I pray I'm not creating a monster, but I like buying him things.
13. Also, related to the above...toys are good bribery.  Just sayin'.
14. I took up running and the gym as a way to process my emotions, not to get healthy.  I cry a lot at the gym.
15. I have lost friends over parenting.  If you're cool, but your kid is a total nightmare to be around...we can't be friends.  Real Talk.  Sorry.
16. I have parked in the handicapped parking space at school when no other spaces are available for drop-off.  I know...I'm a horrible person.
17. I get excited when I don't have to make dinner for my son so someone else can stress over his nutrition and picky eating a few times a week.
18. I forget to brush my sons teeth at night at least 2-3 times a week.  Thank goodness these aren't permanent.
19. I have never clipped my son's toenails.  I can't explain it.  I have literally never had to and its a mystery to me.  I just go with it.
20. People often say that they admire me for being a single mom, but that doesn't make me feel good.  I didn't plan things this way.  This is how it all played out.  I made conscious decisions that led me to being a single parent.  None of them easy.  Some days I still feel the wounds that got our family here and it hurts.  I am not a hero because I'm a single parent.

Use The Force: The Padawan Parent

As a huge 'fan girl' and a Mom of a 'little rebel' (see what I did there?) I must admit that a huge portion of my life revolves around Star Wars.  I blame my older brother and my mom. They ruined me for life.  The object of my geeky fan obsession grew into a model for how I would be handling motherhood.  As I have grown into my own as a parent I have come to realize much of this life is about learning to be Jedi AF.  Much like Master Yoda and Luke Skywalker, it doesn't matter how late you enter the game you will struggle, and that is how you will learn. The Force will be with you.  Trust me.

Padawan Phase: This is the Jedi Parent in training. During that first year everyone goes through the ups and downs of learning what to actually do with your youngling.  These are the times when everyday brings something new to learn and through those lessons you become more and more "force sensitive." Don't worry.  You will get the hang of it, but in the moment it all seems like foreign territory.  You'll be peed on, pooped on, and barfed on, and to make it really awesome, probably all of those at once while at Target or some really special family occasion. The first time this happens you will undoubtedly freak out.  It's ok, we all do it.  I know it seems like other parents have it all handled; they seem to have it all under control.  Here's a secret, they didn't the first time. Real Talk: No one really has it all together, we are just more prepared now. We can sense the dark side because it's all too familiar at this point.

I had a Padawan moment pretty early on.  I needed to go run some errands with him in tow.  He seemed fussy, but I figured it was gas.  I was told to rub his back and pat him gently if he had gas and constipation (which he did) so I rubbed, as instructed by some Jedi baby nurse...but she failed to tell me to beware of projectile poop.  My beautiful little rebel shat all over me, the carrier, his baby blanket, and somehow it even ended up in the diaper bag. The only lucky thing about this situation was that it was in the parking lot of Whole Foods, not actually in the store.  I was able to quickly change him and get him somewhat cleaned up...but I drove home with baby poop all over ME.  Good times.  I thought he had exploded like the Death Star, and we both smelled more like a dead Tan-Tan. Needless to say, I haven't left my house without a full change of clothing for both of us in the car for three and a half years!

These youglings don't just come to us with a handbook, nor does any really hand you a your child and say "I'll be here 24/7, just in case you need me, and I will teach you everything you need to know and hold your hand the entire time."  Reality check! That doesn't happen!! This is, however, the point in your training to learn to rely on your Master-Padawan relationships and learn from your friends and family...cause they have been in the battle and they know their skills. Get to know other parents with older children, lean on family, and have a group that you can trade tips with, even online support like FB groups have helped me in the past.

Padawan Parents, you will be forced out of your comfort zone, made to endure things you never thought you would do. You will have to let down your guard and be willing to admit you need help.  It's totally normal.  None of us know what the hell we got ourselves into for the first year or so. (If someone tells you different, they're lying!!) Try to remember, this is also the parenting phase when all of the amazing firsts happen.  First smile, first tooth, first awkward roll and clumsy crawl, first giggles and babbles will melt your heart.  It's all a balance of wonderfully excellent, beautiful, terrifyingly awful and very, very gross...all in one.

There are  levels to this whole deal.  Just when you think you have Padawan phase on lock, you graduate to "Jedi" and then the struggle gets real...

Keep following me for the next in this series The Jedi Parent.

Truth Bomb: Mom-Shaming

Mom-Shaming is like a sickness. Take something beautiful and corrupt it with words that decay the very thing we love. What's up with all the negative these days? I have a kid. SO WHAT?  He's topic of a lot of my conversations and generally the highlight of what's going on in my life. But when others make the choice to Mom-shame, wether it be other mothers or childless acquaintances, it shows the gross disrespect for what it takes to be a parent. You think any of this is easy? It's not. The general attitude these days is so negative. Maybe it's the political climate or the economy, or maybe I just know a bunch of assholes. I don't know what the answer is but let me list some observations of Mom-Shaming and maybe you will get the idea of what we're working with:

The Childless Life Expert: The person with no children who thinks and says everything that comes to their mind, even when it's A) extremely wrong B) extremely offensive or C) unsolicited commentary on how you live your life. Yes I have a child and am a devoted parent. No, I don't live my life as carefree and reckless as I used to. Yes, it is a lot to deal with. No, I don't hate my life...so stop insinuating that I do. It's like this: when I leave the house to socialize (sans kiddo) I need that time away. I liken it to how you feel when you get out of work or finish a big project. We just need a break. It recharges the batteries but when people say such things as "thank God I don't have kids...that must suck" or "you need to get out more, that must suck" I want to run back home to my child...who, by the way, I have left and given up valuable time with. Let's face it, you're not being cool or sound intelligent when you say this...you're just a dick.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I'm not human.  I miss hanging out at the bar til the morning hours, movies whenever I want and eating at great restaurants that don't have an animatronic band and serve shitty pizza. I respect the fact that a lot of people I know have chosen not to have children. That's great. That's not my life but I appreciate yours. When you shame me it hurts, and that's the truth.

The Relatively Annoying Shamer: This is a relative (like, for example, a mother-in-law) that judges and comments on every parental move you make.  The little digs, the persistent side-eye, or the flat-out ignoring of your rules...you become like a ticking time bomb.  All parents appreciate advice when we need it, but when the relative in question disrespects your authority every time  you step through their door it puts distance where the distance doesn't need to be.  When this happens, do yourself a favor and nip it in the bud.  A respectful, "I appreciate all of your advice and thoughtful consideration of our child, but please remember to adhere to my rules so that we present a unified front and create a cohesive family unit."  You're the parent and what you say goes, and that's the truth...Sometimes Granny has to back the hell up.

The FB Shamer: Yes I have a child and I post about said tiny person on social media.  I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent.  If I hear you say one more time "do you post enough pictures of your kid, I mean geez," followed by an eye roll Someone better hold me back.  I will come across the room and put you into time out or put soap in your mouth. You must spend too much time with the "Childless Life Expert" (aka DICK) that I mentioned above.  How dare you think that your opinion on what I post to social media regarding my child is a place for you to shame me? You post your stuff and I'll post mine but please...leave your judgment for politics and poor fashion sense.  I think my kid is adorable and that's the truth, so deal with it or unfollow me.

The Mom-On-Mom Shame: This is when one Mom shames another Mom/Parent. The worst offense of them all, I believe, because you should know what we're all going through. It's hard enough without having another Mom commenting on your choices as a parent. We all have the same end goal. Survival. So why do we feel like we need to judge one another on how we choose to raise our kid. Listen, he's mine...not yours. So if I don't choose to breastfeed my child until he's 4 or he's not speaking Mandarin in his after school oboe lessons; if he happens to eat a happy meal once in a blue moon or doesn't live off of wheatgrass and barely, it's our choice and by any stretch of the imagination is he going to grow up any less loved or cherished than anyone else's child. I am thankful with every sunrise and sunset for a happy, healthy child. I know some people cannot say the same, so shame on US ALL for this type of preconceived notion that what works for us should be the way everyone else does this parenting thing. The truth is NONE of us are really doing it ALL correctly.

If you're finding yourself in one or all of the categories (remember: to be honest, I have totally been guilty of one or all of these at some point so I'm speaking from experience) please reconsider what seems like no big deal to you, but is actually a huge problem.  It's hard enough to be a parent, but it's even harder to feel isolated from friends and society.  Being a parent is just a part of who I am.  My interests are diverse and expand beyond poopy-diaper discussions.  At the end of the day all that I want is to raise a happy and well-rounded child, and you want me to raise a happy and well-rounded child, so stop shaming and start supporting cause this shit ain't easy...#truthbomb.