Truth Bomb: Mom-Shaming

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image Mom-Shaming is like a sickness. Take something beautiful and corrupt it with words that decay the very thing we love. What's up with all the negative these days? I have a kid. SO WHAT?  He's topic of a lot of my conversations and generally the highlight of what's going on in my life. But when others make the choice to Mom-shame, wether it be other mothers or childless acquaintances, it shows the gross disrespect for what it takes to be a parent. You think any of this is easy? It's not. The general attitude these days is so negative. Maybe it's the political climate or the economy, or maybe I just know a bunch of assholes. I don't know what the answer is but let me list some observations of Mom-Shaming and maybe you will get the idea of what we're working with:

The Childless Life Expert: The person with no children who thinks and says everything that comes to their mind, even when it's A) extremely wrong B) extremely offensive or C) unsolicited commentary on how you live your life. Yes I have a child and am a devoted parent. No, I don't live my life as carefree and reckless as I used to. Yes, it is a lot to deal with. No, I don't hate my life...so stop insinuating that I do. It's like this: when I leave the house to socialize (sans kiddo) I need that time away. I liken it to how you feel when you get out of work or finish a big project. We just need a break. It recharges the batteries but when people say such things as "thank God I don't have kids...that must suck" or "you need to get out more, that must suck" I want to run back home to my child...who, by the way, I have left and given up valuable time with. Let's face it, you're not being cool or sound intelligent when you say this...you're just a dick.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I'm not human.  I miss hanging out at the bar til the morning hours, movies whenever I want and eating at great restaurants that don't have an animatronic band and serve shitty pizza. I respect the fact that a lot of people I know have chosen not to have children. That's great. That's not my life but I appreciate yours. When you shame me it hurts, and that's the truth.

The Relatively Annoying Shamer: This is a relative (like, for example, a mother-in-law) that judges and comments on every parental move you make.  The little digs, the persistent side-eye, or the flat-out ignoring of your rules...you become like a ticking time bomb.  All parents appreciate advice when we need it, but when the relative in question disrespects your authority every time  you step through their door it puts distance where the distance doesn't need to be.  When this happens, do yourself a favor and nip it in the bud.  A respectful, "I appreciate all of your advice and thoughtful consideration of our child, but please remember to adhere to my rules so that we present a unified front and create a cohesive family unit."  You're the parent and what you say goes, and that's the truth...Sometimes Granny has to back the hell up.

The FB Shamer: Yes I have a child and I post about said tiny person on social media.  I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent.  If I hear you say one more time "do you post enough pictures of your kid, I mean geez," followed by an eye roll Someone better hold me back.  I will come across the room and put you into time out or put soap in your mouth. You must spend too much time with the "Childless Life Expert" (aka DICK) that I mentioned above.  How dare you think that your opinion on what I post to social media regarding my child is a place for you to shame me? You post your stuff and I'll post mine but please...leave your judgment for politics and poor fashion sense.  I think my kid is adorable and that's the truth, so deal with it or unfollow me.

The Mom-On-Mom Shame: This is when one Mom shames another Mom/Parent. The worst offense of them all, I believe, because you should know what we're all going through. It's hard enough without having another Mom commenting on your choices as a parent. We all have the same end goal. Survival. So why do we feel like we need to judge one another on how we choose to raise our kid. Listen, he's mine...not yours. So if I don't choose to breastfeed my child until he's 4 or he's not speaking Mandarin in his after school oboe lessons; if he happens to eat a happy meal once in a blue moon or doesn't live off of wheatgrass and barely, it's our choice and by any stretch of the imagination is he going to grow up any less loved or cherished than anyone else's child. I am thankful with every sunrise and sunset for a happy, healthy child. I know some people cannot say the same, so shame on US ALL for this type of preconceived notion that what works for us should be the way everyone else does this parenting thing. The truth is NONE of us are really doing it ALL correctly.

If you're finding yourself in one or all of the categories (remember: to be honest, I have totally been guilty of one or all of these at some point so I'm speaking from experience) please reconsider what seems like no big deal to you, but is actually a huge problem.  It's hard enough to be a parent, but it's even harder to feel isolated from friends and society.  Being a parent is just a part of who I am.  My interests are diverse and expand beyond poopy-diaper discussions.  At the end of the day all that I want is to raise a happy and well-rounded child, and you want me to raise a happy and well-rounded child, so stop shaming and start supporting cause this shit ain't easy...#truthbomb.

 

Post Pulse Parenting and How We are Orlando Strong

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  June 12, 2016. A day our family will never forget.  The day marks our country's worst mass shooting in US history at Pulse nightclub.  49 lives lost.  Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends coworkers and family to many. It has been a month.

I won't focus on the shooter.  I won't focus on the horror of what it felt like to wake up at 4 am and see the scenes playing out on television and social media.  I won't focus on how incredibly lost and lonely and desperately heartbroken I felt lying next to my 3 year old and seeing what was happening.  I'll focus here on how I chose to handle my emotions and parenting, because for us and our family we had to keep going.

That's a major theme in my life and something my mom and I say to each other constantly...keep going.  Meaning, whenever we feel overwhelmed and buried by life's emotions and circumstances we just keep going.  Head down, tunnel vision, laser focus on our jobs as parents.  That's my sole responsibility in life.  Being a great mother to my son.

On this day we happened to be planning on celebrating a big milestone for Boo. He was 100% diaper and pull up free! It felt like a victory.  A long, arduous journey that ended in what should have been a celebratory romp through Disney as a reward for a job well done.  I couldn't help the tears running down my face.  I couldn't help but feel the unrelenting sadness as the body count kept rising. I couldn't help but be real and raw in those moments.  He asked why I was upset.  He knows me.  He's my person, the one I spend all of my time with, the one who spent 9 months inside of me...he is a part of me, so he knew.  Knowing that at this age death and evil are concepts little ones just can't understand, nor should they, I chose to say that I was "OK." But like I said, he knew.  We underestimate kids this age.  They see and feel more than we know or choose to recognize. He asked again and through my tears I said, "I'm sad because something bad happened to people because someone made bad choices." He got it.  But I also assured him,"it's ok to be sad sometimes and it's ok to cry sometimes," and that today we would still have a great day with Gramma at Disney.  And with that I packed up all of my emotions and put them in the "needs attention later" pile and went about a day at the Mouse House.  He was happy and so for that I was happy.

Disney felt like a dazed dreamland of mindless happiness.  I felt the numbness settling in while we rode some rides, sought relief from the heat and ate Mickey shaped cream bars.  But on the car ride home I knew what I needed to do.  I knew I needed to focus on raising my son through the fear and anger and let him see what I had already been seeing.  I saw a community coming together in a time of crisis and pain.  I saw straight allies supporting LGBTQ brothers and sisters. I saw people showing their love and support on social media and through memorial sites.  I saw Orlando come together like never before.  And we would be part of that coming together.

Boo has the fortunate circumstance of having not only a bad ass momma (brush my shoulder off) but an amazingly talented and supportive daddy with a career in theater and close friends from all walks of life. This brought us closer together as parents. We knew we would see tough parenting moments in his life time, but we had no idea it would be like this and not so close to home.  Two single parents searching to unify our message and show everyone we stand side by side in raising a child who is solicitous about the welfare of others.   Volunteer centers were inundated with water, food, toiletries...but not children's items.  I'm a Mom! That's what I think of first...what do the children need?  How can we help the kids that have been left victimized by this? Gathering dollar store children's items and dropping them off at a donation site allowed Boo to be involved on a level he could understand and relate to. "Sharing with people who have nothing makes them feel good and happy and important and so that's what we're going to do." Hanging onto his Dad's leg bashfully as they delivered toys and coloring books and a giant stuffed Nemo, waving at volunteers, and just his presence making people smile a little bit through tears and sweat and exhaustion.  It felt like I was showing him through action that this is how you become involved, even if you're  3.

Our "modern family" chose to participate in a candlelight vigil at Lake Eola honoring the 49 victims and supporting the LGBTQ community and Orlando as a whole.  We chose to do so because we all wanted him to se what coming together means, what it looks like, smells like, feels like, sounds like.  The reality was that being there with him was overwhelmingly profound for us.  I can't speak for everyone but I was proud to have my child with me that night.  He saw all kinds of people supporting each other for no other reason than LOVE and sense of community.  For peace and to show solidarity as ONE people.  Isn't that what we want? Isn't that who we want them to be?  Good, honest, kind, loving, respectful and to stand up for their convictions?  To know that no matter who you love, you deserve love?  That's what I want for myself let alone my own child.  I don't know who he will end up being as an adult, but my hope for him that he feels safe to be the person he chooses to be and to be that person with his head held high.  By the way, the whole time we were at the vigil he thought it was a Pride event (which he is not a stranger to) and waved his glow stick and enjoyed the free rainbow Mickey sticker and lots of hugs from friends. As his parents I think we felt like we offered some service by showing people who were feeling devalued and hurt that we knew they were important and that we vowed to raise our kid to know that people, all people, are important and should be loved.image

During times like this it's hard to know what to say to your children.  Too much or too little.  I wish we could have done more.  I myself felt depressed  for some time, thinking I could have or should have done more.  But this is what I have to offer the world.  Being a Mom.  There's no handbook explaining how to deal with this kind of hate and crazy for adults let alone our children. And I'm still struggling with what to say or how to say it.  I don't want to shelter him, but I also don't want him to live in fear or to feel defeated in times when all feels lost.   All I know is that children respond to action, so be active in how we raise these little guys.  Show them that compassion and kindness is the center of how your family chooses to live and they too will show the world that love back.

 

ALL LOVE,

W & B and our modern family

#OrlandoStrong #OrlandoUnited #OneLove

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"The Incident" Part Two: How to survive dealing with a toddler in a Spica Cast...

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IMG_1078 I know what you're thinking by seeing the picture above. You're thinking "how in the actual f*&% do you survive that on your toddler?" Well, I am here to tell you that you can and you will...if you're ever faced with this like I was.  Boo's spica cast ran from chest to toes with a big bar between his knees.  There is an open hole in the cast large enough for his "little man parts" and "toosh" to be exposed for "bathroom purposes" (I will explain diapering below.) Remember, boo's leg break was a spiral fracture of the upper femur, a pretty sever break, so the cast kept any rotating joints from moving and disrupting proper healing.  They did place him under anesthesia to put on the cast.  We had no issues with that at all, thank goodness.  After the cast was on, the most important thing is to try to keep it clean and dry. That seems like an impossible chore, but trust me it can be done (for the most part.) We had to deal with our spica cast for 10 weeks, and if that doesn't seem like enough of a nightmare, the healing after is a whole challenge in itself.  I will also explain how we recovered from cast removal and rehabbing little man in enough time for the ever important SUMMER CAMP!

**Ask for two things before leaving the hospital: A wheelchair and a specialized car seat. The hospital may have resources where these can be donated to you only for the duration of time the cast needs to be on.

First thing's first: DIAPERING!

When Boo's cast went on we were potty training. We decided to put that on the back burner.  Heres how I would diaper him to keep him clean, dry and healthy. **You may find yourself diapering a lot more than you used to before that cast, that great! Keeping the little ones hydrated and their tummies healthy is an important part of healing. Boo did not feel like eating much at all the entire time he was in the cast which is very normal.  In the future I will post a blog on smoothie recipes that keep Boo full and happy.  We lived on these for the 10 weeks during the cast.**

  1. Create a diapering area on the floor. I used his old crib mattress but you can use an old changing pad as well.  This worked better for us.  I could diaper him, sponge bathe him, "dress" him and brush his teeth all while sitting and not throwing my back out.  (These casts are heavy and you'll be carrying them everywhere when they aren't in the wheelchair so save yourself the pain of a back injury.)
  2. Supplies: 2 different size diapers: I used a size 3/4 diaper and a size 6 diaper, Aquaphor, Honest Soothing Bottom Wash, wipes, and Moleskin Padding
  3. Place the the moleskin padding around the edges or the opening to prevent the cast from rubbing on the skin. (Your nurse will help you in the hospital. But it's nice to have replacement moleskin for cleanliness.)
  1. Tuck the smaller diaper back to front into the hole in the cast.  Make sure the diaper is tucked in as for as it will go into the back and front to prevent any liquids from touching the cast.
  2. Place the large diaper over the other diaper and securing over the cast.  The double diaper ensures dryness also looks ridiculous, but it works.

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Bathing a kiddo in a Spica Cast:

I felt like this was very important to keeping our "nighttime routine" of dinner, bath, pjs, bedtime in tact. We did this on his diapering area.

  1. Warm bowl of water
  2. Johnson's Washcloths
  3. dry hand towel

Using the bowl of warm water, wet the washcloth and beginning with the head wash kiddo and dry each area one at a time.  Face/ears, neck, chest, arms and arm-pitters, hands, then the diaper area, then…last but not least…stinky piggies.  This cast is going to get dirty (despite all of our best efforts, it does and it SUCKS) but keeping their skin clean in paramount to good health so just try your best here.  The Washcloths are also helpful in washing kiddo hair, but we didn't need to do this more than once a week, given nothing weird ended up rubbed all over his head.

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Keeping kiddo entertained:

i propped Boo up on the couch with a series of pillow configurations that worked (it took a while to figure this out, but you will) and purchased a lap tray for playing Playdoh, legos, coloring, etc.  Also, we have an iPad mini that was essential.

I used the wheelchair for meals, snacks, a change of position, etc.  By placing two pillows (one to sit directly on and one to rest his back against) I created a more comfortable sitting position for him and used this travel tray to place these amazing PB Kids plates.

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Like I have said.  You make it work.  My ways may not be exactly what you need to do for your situation, but trust me, I tried a many different solutions only to end up at the point where i had finally found what worked for Boo and I ran with it.

I actually took Boo to Walk Disney World while he was in the cast and it worked out pretty well.  it was a short and sweet little trip and Disney made the whole experience very special and happy for all of us.  I will eventually post a "how to" on Disney with the cast and Disney without the cast.

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Healing post Spica Cast:

Don't be shocked when the cast comes off…I was.  Your child will cry so have Motrin on hand at the doctors office.  I used the special car seat on the way home.  Remember, your child will feel very strange after the cast comes off so offer lots of snuggles and prepare for a long day ahead.

My sons skin was raw and red and it looked horrible. it was very itchy!  I coated him in organic coconut oil with a drop of lavender oil added in for good measure.

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Once he was home I got him into a luke warm bath to clean the areas well.  He had a hard time sitting up, just a heads up.  But he was extremely happy to be angle to get into the bath again!

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Walking was very difficult at first.  I used this Pewi YBike to help him move freely and regain strength in his legs and some confidence.

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The key to our rehabbing Boo was swimming.  The day after his cast came off I got him into the swimming pool.  He was intimidated at first (which was new for my little fish) but once he realized how great it felt he became more comfortable and was smiling in no time.

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Just remember that before it gets better , it gets harder.  It takes a lot of physical and emotional work for these little guys to regain their full abilities.  He would walk perfectly one day and the next day be unable to stand.  You've got this! Just breathe and allow them to work at their own pace.  Our doc didn't not think we needed the physical therapy so I was left to figure it all out on my own.

I really hope that this post can help someone navigate the world of what its like to deal with a situation like this.

Good luck and much love!

-W and Boo

"The Incident"… Part One: Emergency Preparedness Like a Boss!

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So long story, very short: In March of 2014 "Boo" fell at a playground and broke his leg.  To be exact it was a spiral fracture of the upper femur bone.  Why yes, that IS the biggest bone in the body.  And YES it is extremely scary to have a then 25 month old in an emergency room for 5 hours, only to be transferred to a larger hospital for surgery in the next morning.  Surgery.  That word made me want to vomit and punch someone all at the same time.  It was only until I was told no cutting would be involved that the 'punchy' feeling subsided a little.  Luckily, we have access to the best children's hospital in our area and everyone treated my little rebel like a Jedi Knight.  Largely, the hospital experience pretty much sucked.  Your stressed and tired and extremely emotional.  I have to say this, a huge shout out and lots of hugs an thanks your have to go to the incredible staff at Florida Hospital for Children. All of the docs and nurses were amazing and totally put us at ease (well, as much as they could.) IMG_1070

It just so happens we had been traveling earlier that month by car down to the Keys and I had packed an emergency roadside kit for traveling with toddlers.  It was still in my car! Needless to say, I literally always have it with me now.  It has a permeant home  in my vehicle along with an additional "go bag."  I think this really was what helped keep my sanity. Our first night in the hospital was a long one and I found the kit to be a total life saver for both of us, but looking back on the experience now I know that had I not had some forethought in packing these things the less focused I could have been on all of the commotion happening around us and keeping up with the utter chaos of having a kiddo i the hospital really is for a parent. I just cannot tell you how much my heart goes out to all of the parents that have to deal with this as their "normal." I just kept saying to myself "it's just a broken leg, its just a broken leg, thank God it's just a broken leg."

You should know this about me: I'm a research junkie.  I am totally addicted to Pinterest and I Google things constantly. So when it was time to take a 5 hour road trip with my Mom and Boo I was looking for ideas of what could make the ride feel less like hell on earth and more like a slight pain in the ass.  I am also a planner to the Nth degree and prefer to have a solid plan of action laid out before me, rather than jump into too much blindfolded and head first.  You never know whats going to happen when you have child.  I mean, really…how many times have you been caught out without a diaper and wipes or a change of clothes and then IT happens and when IT happens IT happens all over you, your child and any innocent bystander or freestanding objects within a 100 yard radius? Yeah…A LOT.  So, i really wanted to avoid this and by being over prepared i was able to turn this unmitigated disaster into a somewhat bare able situation.

So lets get to it.  Here's what i packed as an emergency kit that then turned into my hospital surveil kit.  As a bonus, I'll also throw in what I pack in my regular "go bag." Both of these things have come in handy on multiple occasions. Remember this is just for one toddler and one adult.

  1. Honest Company Hand Sanitizer
  2. Tylenol or Motrin and measuring cup
  3. Anti-"bad tummy" meds like Pepto
  4. BAND-AIDS
  5. 2 Diapers or pull on training pants and a travel pack size of wipes.
  6. 2 spare pairs of underwear for kiddo and one for grown up (better safe than sorry)
  7. Tiny Portable Humidifier
  8. Benadryl or any other allergy meds etc.
  9. A 2 day supply of any supplements you and your family may take regularly. We like Zarbee's brand.
  10. Travel pack of tissues
  11. Aquaphor has multiple uses
  12. Arnicare is great for bruises and bumps
  13. small pair of scissors
  14. wash cloth
  15. a toothbrush and toothpaste for each of us
  16. electrolyte packs for water like NUUN
  17. spare plastic bags
  18. a kitchen size trash bag
  19. Boogie Wipes
  20. Sunscreen (we LOVE MD Moms)
  21. These are really handy! Johnson's Head-to-Toe Washcloths
  22. lavender oil (great for stress relief)
  23. Kids plate, spoon, fork, and cup
  24. and some travel sized paper towels
  25. phone charger
  26. batteries (2 AA, 2 AAA)

I pack all of this into a clear plastic tub and it never leaves my car.  I cannot tell you how useful this has been.  Not only in our worst times but in some of our best, too.

Bonus: "The Go-Bag"

This idea came about AFTER "the incident" and now I swear by it.  I keep a tote bag packed and hanging somewhere easily accessible in emergencies.

  1. kiddo cotton pj's (we love Hanna Anderson)
  2. adult change of clothes (think yoga pants and a cotton t-shirt)
  3. kiddo socks
  4. adult socks
  5. umbrella
  6. phone charger
  7. non-perishable snacks
  8. brita water bottle
  9. crayons
  10. grab and go fun packs
  11. Honest 3 in 1 Facial wipes

I try to separate and pack things into gallon size baggies.  This makes it easier to use what I need and leave the rest and to repack for the next outting or emergency.

I am taking suggestions to improve the emergency kit and go-bag, but I hope you find this helpful and i really hope you never have to use it in a circumstance like we did.