10 Things About Children's "Entertainment" That are Ruining My Life...

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1. Is it me or is the Hotdog Dance song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse causing a Pavlovian response to want to choke the life out of Goofy? 

2. Thanks to Elmo for saying once (like 2 years ago) that broccoli is gross and now my kid refuses to even try it because "Elmo said its yucky." Frankly, I don't care if Elmo gets some kind of colo-rectal issue, but I'm over here trying to teach my kid how to eat to live in a world full of diseases from genetically modified food and the damn puppet is veggie-blocking me.  

3. I'm not sure Little Einsteins is creating a culture of classical music officiandos as much as its just angering parents and care givers who must now explain that one cannot simply start a vehicle by clapping.  If you have ever argued with your kids on these types of things you know that a root canal is preferable. 

4. "Dog With A Blog" is a show where an actual dog has more blog followers than I do. 

5. I have a hard "No Calliou" rule.  It's legit whinier than our current administration.  

6. Why in the world do children's movies allow the words "stupid" and "dumb"?! I have had to do damage control since Monsters, Inc.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Disney movies, but hearing the word 'stupid' coming out of your 2 year olds mouth is a bit disconcerting, to say the least.  Honestly, I would rather he drop an F Bomb. 

7. Have you seen these YouTube Kids reality shows? There are several.  All they do is show videos of their everyday life, only in the MOST annoying way possible.  Now my kid thinks sending a cute video to his grandparents should include the words "don't forget to subscribe and 'Like' this video at the link below..." 

8. While I'm on a YouTube Kids rant...just the background music in the app hypnotizes my kid into some sort of stopper and he can't seem to pay attention anyone or anything else.  Case in point: he walked into a wall the other day and bounced right up like something out of the Walking Dead.   

9. What in the actual F*&% is going on with that SpongeBob Squarepants and his gang of weirdo cohorts? I mean, really.  WTF?? 

10. I am totally annoyed that in most children's films the male characters is either a prince who is completely void of any depth and complexity, or a cad, a thief or a complete asshole.  Why? Let's not even begin to discuss the gender roles and age issues of these movies but I mean, come on.  Don't little boys deserve some sort of relatable protagonist that starts out a good person and makes good decisions and doesn't need a to be jerk to get the moral of the story conveyed to the audience? Just a thought.  

 

What annoys you about whatever shows or movies your Little Rebels are geeking out over these days?

MLR Fave Rave: February is Sunny Vacays, Love and Birthdays!

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Hey Rebel Leaders and Domestic Warrior Princesses! I haven't done a Fave Rave since August because, well...I keep forgetting! Oops! Honestly, I have so many new products that I am totally obsessed with that I am feeling the need to share, but also just want to include some tips and tricks of how I get through some of the stuff we have planned for the next few weeks of crazy.  February is my birthday month, annual family vacation to Key Largo, FL (a 6 hour road trip) and Valentine's Day...all of those either being really exciting or super depressing. I'm not sure which, yet. Here's an idea of what I am gathering up for all of this years festivities.  

First of all, I am a huge fan of the "at home spa day." So as my 37th birthday (yes, I said my actual age) approaches I wanted to share some of the new products I have been tinkering with on the rare occasion that I get to indulge in some beautification between loads of laundry and packing lunches.  I love all things Bliss for the best in DIY spa days with high quality products.  Recently I have had all the feels for the Mask-A 'Peel' Radiance Rubberizing Mask! Just mix with water, slather on, let dry and peel. And before I get ready for vacation I like to use a Hot Salt Scrub and Self Tanner because literally no one wants to see my pasty legs without a little sun-kissed glow. When it comes to my hair, I have a serious crush on the Olaplex at home treatment.  It's easy to use, you can get about 4 treatments per bottle (depending on the length of your hair) and it's legit a miracle for color treated tresses like mine. Can we say godsend?!

We all know I am single AF, but that doesn't mean I don't do a little Valentine's Day splurging.  This year I am making a little gift basket for my son with some fun little surprises, like awesome bath bombs, a sweet new shirt to wear to school and my little man's FAVORITE candy.  Don't judge, but may I report back after the most humiliating holiday of the year that I sent myself flowers...and carbs.  Let's face it, I will probably eat a whole pizza that day. That being said, I'm also really into taking ownership and loving my own body this year.  I am getting up there in years and have always battled with weigh issues. I have always worn a one piece bathing suit...but this year, NO WAY! I am learning to LOVE my body for Valentine's Day and letting it shine on our sunny vacay.  This year I will be lounging poolside in a bikini and reading my new favorite book by Ashley Graham.  

 Also, it takes me a good month to plan for a 6 hour road trip down to the Keys, or anywhere for that matter, so this year I am preparing a few weeks in advance by getting the car super organized and making sure we pack light and save plenty of room for all of the ridiculously amazing road-side crap you can find in Southern Florida.  One of the things I am pretty adamant about it not eating junk food along the way..  It's just not a good idea.  Sour bellies and sugar cranked kiddos don't make for an easy coast down state.  I try to pack healthy snacks, and meals for the backseat where B and passengers can grab something easily.  When we make a pit stop I am fully prepared for the horror of public restrooms.  Trust me and always have these items in your car at ALL times: Trash bag, Gallon ZipLoc Bag, Paper Towels, Toilet Paper.  You never know when these will be needed and you DON'T want to be stuck roadside with no way to clean and contain messes or mishaps.  This has happened to me and they only thing I can say is that if it weren't for my make-shift hazmat kit, I would have been totally screwed.  

So, wish me luck.  Another year closer to 40, another adventure, and another single Hallmark holiday to come and go.  This year its about ME! Time to love myself, own my life and be grateful for every wrinkle, dimple, disaster and triumph.  

 

Bedtime: A Step-By-Step Process of This Mom's Struggle for Peace and Quiet

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Here's the real deal, folks...bedtime routines are imperative, but can be complete bullsh** and a waste of time.  Reality is we are just trying to survive until they fall asleep. I think we can all relate.  I thought I would just give you a quick look into the real-life, daily events that lead up to the peace and quiet that comes with a sleeping (eventually) kiddo.

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Step 1: Dinner...maybe.  I don't know if it's his age (3 years 8 months) or just the fact that he has become a complete asshole at meal times, but dinner is a struggle.  I don't know if he's really hungry, he says he is.  So I make dinner.  It's unacceptable.  At this point the dinner could be ice cream with candy on top...he pushes it aside. "Chocolate milk, please." Ummm, nope, not happening.  Full meltdown.  Throw away the dinner and pray he ate well enough during school and snack time to sustain some sort of normalcy.  So fuck dinner, apparently that's not gonna happen.

Step 2: Bath.  Crying because he didn't get to put in the bubbles.  Get the kid in the bath.  I'm in the splash zone.  Soaked.  Sit and listen patiently to a full reenactment of the movie Jaws staring a Darth Vader and a whale we bought on vacation (please note: he has actually never seen the movie Jaws so I have no clue where this is coming from, but it's pretty damn accurate.) Clean up dishes while listening to the sound of what can only be described as a deluge of soapy waters being haphazardly splashed about.  Pray that the lavender aroma and warmth of the tub are working some kind of magical spell on him, making him tired, and feeling restful, only to realize this is the exact definition of a "pipe dream."

Step 3: Pajamas.  How dare I even suggest putting on pajamas while he runs around naked, only to refute any argument for actually wearing nighttime clothing?  He ends up in a t-shirt, no underwear (obviously that's too much) and a full Kylo Ren costume (complete with mask, gloves and a light saber.)

Step 4: Crazy Hour.  Now I don't know if this is just specific to my child or if it's a universal law that all children lose their damn minds during the twilight hours, but it's definitely  a thing.  Full bat-shit crazy mode. There he is, running in circles, light saber battling with the dog and shouting "the weapon is mine" at the top of his lungs.  Mom losing patience.

Step 5: The Pre-Crash Famishment. Because dinner wasn't an option he's now bargaining for a snack...ugh.  You give in.  Pirates Booty and pudding is officially "dinner."

Step 6: Clinginess.  The tired is sweeping over him.  He's feeling full from the above mentioned snack and now it's time to adhere himself Mom. "Just snuggle me! I need my blanket! Read that book again.  Now this one.  Now tell me a story. I'm thirsty.  I have to pee again!" Initially you try to lay him in his bed but that's literally the most offensive thing that has happened to him all day and he's now in full meltdown, so you try the couch.  Eventually you're both in your bed.  Mom is passing out, the dog is snoring, and kiddo is wide awake and conversations are starting to take on a "whose on first" vibe.  No one is making any sense and you have to pee so badly, but you can't move or its all down hill from there.

Step 7: The Crash...it finally happened.  He succumbed to the need to sleep. You can finally finish the dishes, take a shower, have a glass of wine, read, catch up on a show, oh wait...and pee...alone!!! Whatever you want to accomplish, now is your time.  This is the peace and quiet you've been craving. You peel off his Kylo Ren costume and do a little happy dance.   Quietly.

Step 8: Move the child. I put him into his own bed. Usually without any issue, but occasionally you lay him down and he freaks out, almost levitating above the bed as if it's some sort of magic trick and refuses to entertain the idea of snoozing in the expensive Pottery Barn Kids twin bed with organic mattress you painstakingly picked out for his Star Wars themed big boy bedroom and so you just put him back where he started.

Step 9: Time for Mom to sleep.  It only takes 5 seconds for you to fall asleep because this whole process has you so bone-weary that your eyes just shut and you're done...

Step 10: Mid-REM crisis: "Mommy I have to pee! I want to sleep on your bed! I need my blanket! I'm thirsty! Is it time to wake up?" You're startled awake, ripping you from your dreams.  Oh hell no! ...back to sleep...You are allotted 6 inches of the queen sized bed.  He has the rest, but still manages to kick, slap, and sweat or drool (and on a great day...pee) on you while you struggle to eek out just a few more hours of some-what quality shut-eye.

And it all repeats itself the next night... The struggle is real, Moms.  Respect.

 

5 Things I Do For Myself...and I'm Not Ashamed to Admit It.

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This momming thing is hard.  We pour our everything into being mothers, caretakers, chauffeurs, chefs, maids, nurses, teachers, decorators, peacemakers...all in one extremely stressed and sleep deprived body.  How the F do we survive this? Well, I know what I need to feel sane and I am not one bit ashamed to share all of the ways I have learned to get selfish about "me time" and doing things for myself every once and awhile.  Note: If you're one of those people who thinks that it's ok to completely let yourself and who you are at your core fall to the wayside so that you may martyr yourself as some super-human who doesn't need to do some maintenance and rejuvenating for yourself, you will not be interested in what I have to say. No judgment.  I did that for a bit, and it was killing me. BUT, if you feel like you need to regain some sense of normalcy and get back to who you are (outside of being a parent) than keep reading, because you'll relate to a few things on this list and maybe be inspired to do a bit more for YOU!

1. I put my son in pre-school.  OK, hear me out.  This isn't for everyone but I had to do it.  As a single parent I was drowning in an overwhelming sea of self neglect.  When I put my son into preschool he was 18 months old and for two days a week for three whole hours at a time I could breathe! I knew that he was in great hands and he was learning to be with other people and play with other children.  Before, he was with me so much I almost felt like I was doing him a disservice.  I could only do so much and I know I wanted him to experience more than what I was giving him at home in the midst of cleaning, laundry and errands.  I could only play or snuggle or engage with him for so long until the next thing needed to be done and he had to wait.  The house had to be clean, the laundry had to get done, the shopping had to happen...and to do that he couldn't be my central focus.  I felt like as asshole every time I had to stop being 100 percent involved in coloring or building blocks.  It is two years later and I feel so proud of him as we have transitioned to a different school, with longer days and more challenges and he has handled it like  pro! He is social, outgoing, inquisitive and loves school and I feel better leaving him to learn from teachers during the day so that I can have the time to handle all of life's menotomy.  We both get time for ourselves. I do all of the chores (and some not-so-chores) while he's in school so that after-school time we can really spend quality time together.  That's what's important.

2. I make time for maintenance.  Not household maintenance or automobile maintenance, but ME maintenance.  I get a facial once a month.  Religiously.  It invigorates me and makes me feel like I am taking time to treat myself.  I don't want to sound vain, but I want to look good.  My Mom introduced me to getting facials when I was a preteen and I have always loved them, but I must admit that there was some time in my life when I fist had B that I didn't get my monthly facials and I regret that I didn't.  Not because my skin looked bad or anything, but because it is something I truly LOVE that I gave up because I thought I had to.  I didn't.  In fact, once I started getting my facials again I started also going for regular pedicures and manicures. I am the first to raise my hand and admit I get Botox.  There's no shame in my beauty game.  I have started going to the gym to exercise (gasp!) and liking it!! Crazy, I know, but all of these things help me be a better Mom.  I feel better when I look better.  That's just how I am.  I know this isn't what fuels everyone fire but what we need to understand is that doing things to nurture ourselves, however you choose to do it, allows us to feel whole and is an example to our children to take time to place value on themselves, too.

3. I pay for help.  Yup, that's right.  Listen to me Moms, occasionally someone else should scrub, mop, de-funk and squeegee the hell out of your house while you go out for coffee.  I find this frees up a lot of time and helps my general OCD-driven stress level.  Allowing yourself to have some assistance around the house that actually cleans and doesn't just move mess from one place to another is well deserved, so go for it! Wether it is once a week or once a year...treat yourself to a break from the bleaching. While you're at it, find a great babysitter that you can pay to come regularly.  Someone you can trust to take the kids to the park while you're at home taking a bath or watch the kids while you go on a date.  Totally worth it and well deserved.

4.  I go out.  And I enjoy myself.  It's not a foreign concept.  Before you had children you went out.  You did stuff, saw stuff, danced to stuff, bought stuff and ate places where they served wine and stuff...whose to say you can't do that now? Why do we think that as parents we have stop being social with our peers? I try to go out as often as I can plan to do so.  Not every night, but at least once a week.  Dinner with girl-friends, art shows, movies, concerts, fundraisers, or just grabbing a beer at the local and catching up with pals...I need that time to connect with the world. I don't remember anywhere in the baby books where it said "stop being you when the baby comes out of your vagina." We are social people with a lot of interests and passions.  I want my son to be a well-rounded and gregarious person too, so I lead by example. It's not selfish...its living your life. Being a Mom doesn't mean lock yourself indoors and never leave your child's side.  It means having a child is part of a life that is ever-growing and evolving and now includes loving a tiny human. SO get out of the house.  Do you and enjoy it!

5. I have spiritual time everyday.  I started doing this when we started looking for a church to take our son.  I realized I wasn't taking the time to connect with my own belief system, so how could I ask my son to do the same? Everyday I try to meditate or sit in prayer for not only myself and my son but for whatever is really weighing on my heart at the time.  In recent months it has really pulled me out of feeling overwhelmed by all of the negativity on the news and social media. Having the time to spiritually connect is what balances me.  I'm more patient, more relaxed, less stressed and feel like my emotions are easier to handle, and that is making me a better mother.  I'm connecting to my son and the other people in my life more than I have in the past.  To me, that's a great reward.

I know we all want to be super-parents.  I know what it feels like to say that all other things come before myself ,and I know it feels like to get lost and feel alone in those moments.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  Now that I am taking time to be better to myself I really notice how much more I am enjoying this life.  I am not ashamed to say I do things for myself, and you shouldn't either.

Mom Purse: WTF is in there?

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Let me just preface this by saying that I hate wearing a purse.  In my former life I would never wear a purse.  Cash and keys in pocket and out the door.  Now, with a child, I'm just proud I'm not leaving the house without luggage.  So while I was walking around the grocery store the other day and realized...this purse is heavy as F%$#! Then I stuck my hand in there..."WTF is in here?!?" In an effort to be as transparent as possible here's what I found in there after I removed the 47 crinkled up receipts and about a dozen expired coupons: sunglasses (severely scratched so thank good they're cheapos from the drugstore), Disney passes, 14 pounds of loose change, enough singles to make a stripper jealous, 4 tubes of lip balm and 2 shades of lip gloss that I NEVER wear, a beer ticket (you know, just in case), some Boogie Wipes (because I have used a sleeve in the past and thought that maybe that was my "rock bottom"), hand sanitizer, hair ties for pulling up my barely brushed tresses, a lollipop stick (that was still wet), my hard case wallet that holds my debit card, Costco membership card (hallelujah) and my variety of discount cards for ice cream, cupcakes and coffees from around town and the piece de resistance...hidden in one of the pockets was a unwrapped and unused (obviously) tampon that I found Boo swinging around by the string one day in the middle of Target (not pictured...you're welcome.) Feel free to share what's in your purse because we all know it's a disaster in there.

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