This Single Mom's Bucket List

1. Let's just get the sleep portion of this bucket list out of the way: I would kill for a 48 hour opportunity to soak up uninterrupted REM cycles, preferably in a hotel where I can order room service, wear a fluffy robe and make a mess that I don't have to clean up. 

2. Go on a date and NOT have to wear Spanx.  Seriously, it's just impossible to actively listen to anyone speak when you're realizing your control top panties are slowly rolling down, creating a that-much-more unflattering silhouette and also trying to find the most opportune time to yank those suckers back up to where they belong without looking like a completely unladylike slob of a human being.  

3. Show up at a school event and NOT feel like the black sheep. 

4. Go on a vacation without my son and NOT feel guilty about it.  

5. Create a massively successful business that allows me to spend the majority of my time working braless/pantless.  We are all more productive when we don't have to worry about those formalities, right? 

6. Hit the gym more often and with less insecurities.  I see these people in the gym looking all carefree and unencumbered by years of "fat kid" trauma.  When I go to the gym I am constantly aware of how red my face is, how jiggly some of my parts are and how I'm constantly trying not to cuss like a sailor.  I'd like to just go in there and go full-beast mode and give zero fucks.  

7. Trust more freely and with ease.  This is a big one, and maybe it's an unattainable goal, but I would love to be able to just be the kind of person who makes friends or meets people and isn't constantly questioning motive.  Thanks, anxiety. 

8. Find the perfect haircut.  I know, I know...It's a lifelong journey for some of us.  

9. Roll around in a clean car for more than 3 hours.

10. Have a professional organize my house...and maintain said organization.  I feel like sometimes we live in the center of a tornado made up of toys, laundry and never-ending "to-do" lists.  

11. Meet a man who appreciates the fact that I may not have a perfect body or look flawless 24/7 but I can hold a conversation about world issues, literature, art, music and design...and those characteristics make me sexy AF.  

12. Take a ride out to the beach on the back of a motorcycle or in a convertible just to feel the wind in my hair and feel free for a small amount of time before I get back to worrying about school projects, taking out the trash or hustling to write this blog while balancing my life.  

13. Have someone send me flowers just because they know it would make me smile.  

14. Have a spa day where I am pampered from head to toe.  This is different from when you get enough time to shave both legs past the knees, or commit to blowdrying your hair.  This is the full deal where every part of your body is luxuriated upon, while someone brings you cucumber water and you walk away feeling like you did before you procreated.  

15.  Do all of the laundry without having to run the dryer twice because those clothes have been in there for 2 days.  

16. Leave the house for a night out with matching and even eyeliner for once. (You gals know what I'm saying.) 

17. Eat dinner at a grown up restaurant past 6:00 pm. Preferably someplace that has a longer cocktail menu than a kids menu.  

18. Walk through my house and NOT step over legos, action figures or random articles of clothing. 

19. Convince my child that he does not have to crawl into bed with me at 2 am and proceed to kick, slap or punch me in his sleep.  

20. Meet a partner who can accept and/or relate to the list above.  

10 Reasons I'm OK with Being Single and a Mom

It's been over three years and I'm still single and a Mom...and I couldn't be happier.  It's not that I'm a bad partner or that I don't want love in my life. When I am in a relationship I pour all of my energy into being the best girlfriend I can be, but dating just hasn't been working for me. I'm not looking for a knight in shining armor, or a "baby-daddy" (I have one of those and he's just fine, thanks) and I sure-as-hell am no longer looking for a relationship to define me as a person. Been there, done that...and it was awful.  I had to learn to face myself and what I need head on and change how I felt about being alone and a mother.  Now, after many moons have past, I can finally say that I am OK with being single and a Mom.  Here's 10 reasons why:

1. I have a man in my life, and he's three.  I am focused on raising my son.  I don't have the time or the energy for making sure someone else is taken care of right now.  It's the truth. Trust me, I have tried. Online dating is horrible, Tinder is basically like a bat-signal for weirdos, meeting men in bars means meeting drunks in bars (no thanks) and I'm just not willing to spend my free time away from the house trying so to catch feels for a man I don't need right now.  Honestly, I would rather just hang out with friends, no expectations of love or courtship and have a good time.  When I started to do that very thing, I no longer felt imprisoned by the idea that every woman needs a partner.  I don't.

2. I have control of the remote...after bedtime.  I can watch whatever I want and it's glorious.  No sportsball shows eating up every waking moment! I can marathon watch HGTV and no one is there to judge, preach or complain. Totally worth it.

3. I have to focus on me.  When I became a single mother I lost all focus on myself.  I gained weight, I wasn't sleeping well, I was stressed out and distracted from my own commitment to being the best person (not just parent) that I could be.  I have learned that if I don't eat right, exercise, and take care of myself there is no way I could ever entertain being in a relationship ever again.  No man can ever take care of this stuff for me, I have to do it all for myself.

4. I can sleep in the middle of the bed...most of the time (unless kiddo is taking the whole damn thing.) No fights over the covers, no snoring, no man farts waking me mid-REM cycle.  Win.

5. Facing loneliness makes you stronger.  Without a man around I have had to learn what makes ME happy.  Years of relationships made me focus on someone else.  Being single meant that  I had to face the loneliness head on and kick its ass.  I am more sure of myself and my choices now than I ever have been, and it feels amazing.   I own that shit and I take pride in this place that I am in today.

6. I don't have to pick up after another grown-ass adult who can't seem to find the laundry hamper or dishwasher.  Do I have to pick up toys and clean up after my child all day? Yes.  Do I have to "mom" anyone else? Oh, hell no.

7. You're not alone! There are a lot of single parents out there in the world.  Find your tribe! They're out there!  I also feel way more connected to my family and friends now than I have in all the years I spent in long-term relationships. I am making real connections with people again, and it eases the anxious feelings of being alone for the majority of the time.

8. It's forced me to get creative with the moments I share with my son.  Kitchen dance parties, Mommy and B only nights, special trips just for the two of us, and Friday jamming out in the car after school...all the little things we come up with to make memories for our children will add up one of these day and they will look back on them and know that the times alone with their Mom was unique and happy and nothing was missing.  I am enough.

9. I learned to embrace the "modern family" mentality.  My son has a great father and his father lives with his girlfriend...and we're a family.  Yes, all of us.  I never heard of a family that is perfect (if they're out there in the world, good for them...but seriously, it's probably not true.) Ours is uncommon and that's ok.  When it comes to children, they only feel different if you make them feel that way.  We treat our family as a normal, functioning family unit....because it is, and that's all there is to it.

10. I know what kind of man I don't want.  Before I became a parent I just went with my heart.  I'm not saying it was wrong, and I'm not saying that those were bad choices or that they were bad men.  They weren't at all, but it just didn't work for me then and it surely isn't going to work for me now.  I am a completely different person than I once was.  I'm more confident and self-assured, I feel freer to be myself (good, bad and ugly) which makes more less dependent on a man's approval, and I'm sexier than I ever have been in the past.  Yes, that's right...I said it. I am way sexier now.  My attractiveness now comes with my experience, a full heart and strength that only comes from surviving all of the shit I've been through.

...and maybe, just maybe one day someone will come along and be rad enough to appreciate all of these things about me and I won't be single anymore...

Let's Be Friends: What Not To Say To A Single Parent

Parenting is parenting, plain and simple.  It really doesn't matter if someone is single or married.  I am a person, a well-educated woman with many interests and a multitude of passions and talents.  One of those many things is being the best mother that I can possibly be. But I also love music and art, films and books.  I love to see my friends and talk about world issues or just crack jokes back and forth for a few hours over some food and a nice glass of Pinot Grigio.  I am a whole person. Look, I really want to like you and I don't want you to sound like a complete dickhead.  Here are some tips on what not to say to a single parent.  Then, maybe we can see each other's perspective a little better and we won't have those cavernous awkward moments that can fill a room when someone said something stupid or offensive.

1. "How do you do it all?  I wouldn't be able to do it." Yes, you would.  Any of us would.  You love your kid; you take care of your kid.  That's it.  Like Tina Belcher says, " I'm no hero, I put my bra on one boob at a time just like everyone else."
2. Please address me as a person.  Ask me how I am doing.  Yes, I know, you want to know how my child is doing, too, and that’s great.  I really do appreciate it.  Ask me how I am doing.  It's not very often that someone will actually care how or what I have going on outside of parenting, but can you just pretend?  The list is long and I kind of really want to talk about all of that stuff.  As much as I would love to talk about potty training, preschool germs, sleepless nights and temperamental toddler tantrums…give me a break.  Just ask me how I am doing.
3. "I can relate." No, you can't.  Just like I can't relate to your issues.  I don't live in your house. I don't know what you're going through, so please don't assume you can relate to all the shit I have going on.  It's a delicate balancing act of emotions and circumstances, at any minute it could all crumble.  You can't relate to my situation, just like I can't relate to yours.  But I can empathize and I can lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on if you need it and if you offer the same, that would be greatly appreciated.
4. "You should start dating again." Thanks for the opinion, but I'm really good alone right now.  When the time is right, it will happen.  Dating isn't a fix to single parenthood.  I don't want to fix it.  This is working for me, so please keep your opinion on my love life, or serious lack-there-of, to yourself.
5. Back off of the ex.  It's none of your business.  If you aren't in my very, very tiny circle of trust, please keep any and all opinions of the ex to yourself.  Don't make drama where drama doesn't need to be or exist.  We don't have time for that mess.  Move along.
6. I can't stand the terms "baby daddy" or "baby mama." We have names and identities.  At the very least you can call me "Boo's Mom." Its disrespectful to address either of us in such a fashion and I mentally check-out when it happens…so more than likely I have probably ignored all the words that came out of your mouth after "baby mama."
7. "Make sure to take care of yourself first." Yeah, I get it.  The reality is that when you are a single parent taking care of yourself has to take a back seat to taking care of the kid, the house, the dog, feeding the fish, making dinner, running baths, doing your own laundry, etc.  Sometimes I just can't take care of myself first.  I forget to eat, or shower, or take my vitamins or apply my wrinkle creams, but I try to take care of myself the best I can and I don't need a reminder of priorities.  Mine are straight.  Thanks.
8. "I bet you really need a vacation right now." This may be difficult for you to understand, but the minute you are away from your tiny terror you miss them and the thought of being away from them for too long makes every bone in your body ache with a pain that is so indescribable you often just opt for a weekend at Disney World rather than a spa weekend away with your girls.  There is no vacation from this life.  And I don't need one.  I love the chaos and crazy.
9. Don't give me parenting advice unless I ask for it.  Just don't.
10. "I feel so sorry for you." Really? How rude! Why would anyone feel sorry for me? I have an incredible life, an amazing child, a warm home, a full heart and the best and most amazing support system in the world.  Never feel sorry for me.  I got this.

It takes a village to raise every child and every village is different.  I chose this life and I don't regret it.  My child is loved beyond measure by both of his parents, all of his grandparents, and aunts and uncles, cousins, babysitter, neighbors, friends, and teachers.  Are some days harder and longer than others? YES! This can be said for all parents, not just singles parents.  Please don't presume to assume that I'm alone or lonely, or sad and pathetic. I am not…and even when I am feeling that way.  I'm not.  So lets be friends, shall we?