Being a parent has changed everything. I say some shit that I actually NEVER thought would come out of my mouth. I seriously sound like a crazy person. I'm pretty sure I have heard saner rantings on the subway. So here is a quick little rundown of the incredibly socially inappropriate things I find myself repeating. Please, don't judge.

"Don't lightsaber the dog."
"Whose poop is that? Your's or the dog's?"
"Stop licking things at school. They think we're both crazy."
"(Insert superhero name here) poops in the potty. Do we need to call him and ask him how?"
"Dont poop in this pool, dammit!"
"Don't talk about Grandma's boobies in public."
"Don't put your hand in your diaper."
"Please don't stand in the window naked."
"Why does the dog have catsup all over her?"
"Blankets don't fart, people fart."
"Please stop letting the dog lick your butt."
"Is that a floating Chewbacca in the tub or a turd?"
"Please don't lick my face…its just weird."
"No, you may not take your pants off at Target."
"What is that smell? No, seriously…what is that smell?"
"Teacher said you licked your own shoe today. What's up with that?"
"Please use the potty to pee in, not the shower."
"What do you mean by 'don't touch my bubble'? I have no clue what that even is!"
"We don't say 'fuck'…I mean YOU don't say it…you say 'fudge'…ok?"
"Yes, Darth Vader probably has a penis, too."